I hate masturbation! Guilt and disgust filled me with sadness and rage

First off let me say, I have had no traumatic experiences from childhood and No one ever told me sex or masterbation, or porn was wrong. I also do not believe in any god or religion. And just to halt confusion I am male.  OK.  Now, I am just so tired of being in this cycle and I am at the point were I don't care anymore I am so pissed off right now and I just need to say this sh*t because no one seems understand!!! (also, read completely before responding!)       

     Ever since I first discovered masterbating, I knew something was wrong. When I first masterbated I was relatively ok with it.  It felt good.  I felt a little shocked with my self and didn't like the feeling after words, but I went on with life. Eventually I began masterbating in a regular basis, about once every week or two, but every time I did it I began feeling more and more wrong. Especially after I started getting into porn, guilt and disgust would fill me with sadness and rage. Each time I would wish I had never masterbated ever, and I would swear I would never do it again. The rage would take over my life I was mad at everything I hated everything, but most of all I hated masterbation and I thought to myself if masterbation had a physical form I would kill it! Of course the rage would weaken and the urge would rise. I would tell my self how much it angered me and that it would make me feel disgusting again, but time and time again I would end up masterbating. I never really wanted to have sex or a companion, the idea always just seemed off-putting. But after being in this cycle I now knew I Hated any sexual desires, and I no longer wanted them!!! I began hating my body and everything that it had to do with sex. Time After Time After Time I continued in this cycle! I Began hating my Penis to my very soul, AND EVERY TIME IT GETS ERECT I WANT TO SHOOT MY SELF IN THE HEAD!!!  I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS sh*t!  AND DON'T YOU DARE f*****g SAY  "~ooohh, but masterbation is natural~"  OR  "~ooohh, but everyone dose it~"   I HATE MASTERBATION, I WANT TO HATE MASTERBATION, AND NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND!! HONESTLY AT THIS POINT I WANT TO CHOP MY f*****g penis OFF!!!