If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, his mind sees things differently than most do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
7- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
8- The early bird may get the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.
9- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
10! - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
11- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
13- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.
14- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
15- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
16- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
17- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
18- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
19- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
20- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
21- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
22- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
23- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
24- The sooner you! fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
25- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."
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