I have been with my girlfriend for seven years now. I love her deeply, but over the years like any long term relationship there have been some significant hurdles. Our hurdles however, are especially involving sex. But it wasn’t always this way; in the beginning of our relationship we had sex all the time. She would take initiative and show me that she wanted me and we would bang for an hour or more. Around our two year anniversary something happened to her mind-set and ever since then sex has been a struggle. She never could really communicate what she wants or needs which is frustrating but I deal with it. She constantly gets into these slumps where we go long periods of time with out even fooling around let alone have sex which I find terribly annoying. The longest period of time we went with out sex was three years and I was seriously considering ending the relationship, when I would try to have a conversation about what was going on and how much it upset me and how it was driving me away from her she would just get up set and cry and talk about how she was “trying” and that she “wants to” but that she was scared. This would happen every time I would bring up how not having sex was affecting me. Even when we do have sex I can tell she’s uncomfortable when I penetrate her, she says it hurts and I think it’s because we wait so long in between each time we have sex, and the pain just turns her off to sex even more. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m becoming more frustrated and angry and she can tell, and I know it will not help the situation. Please, any advise on what to do, preferably from a female.
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Hm... Well... You never said in your question what she actually enjoys (probably since you don't know because she doesn't communicate?). I think you should really try to find out what the root cause of her silence about what she likes is. Why doesn't she tell you? Can she not trust you? Is she extremely shy? Does she have a secret she hasn't told you? Has she been in any sexually abusive relationships? Does she feel suffocated by your irritation at the situation? Does she feel self-conscious about her feelings or appearance?
I don't understand why sex would hurt for her. If she is healthy and wet, and you're taking it slowly enough for her, it shouldn't... Does she have an underlying medical problem?
My boyfriend didn't understand why I hated sex (I am very shy, so sometimes it takes a while for me to communicate when I have a problem!) until I finally expressed to him that having sex without foreplay hurts because I am not wet/expanded, and it makes me bleed a little and peeing sort of hurts. Since I'd been so uncomfortable so many times before, it's taken a lot of work to get over that, and stop associating sex with pain or fear. If your girlfriend is "scared" of sex, you really need to be patient, because no amount of frustration or anger will calm her nerves...
Also, you only mentioned penetration in your post. Does your girlfriend ever orgasm before/during/after sex? If the answer is no, I totally understand her problem and hope she dumps you if you keep hounding her for sex. But you seem pretty nice so I'll assume this is not the case.
Random advice tidbits that may or may not make sense for your situation:
To make her more comfortable, you could try just focusing on her for a bit. Quit bothering her with your penis until she's comfortable being intimate with you in general. Kiss, snuggle, lick her, tell her she's beautiful, etc... Then slowly try to regain her trust in things that you enjoy, too. Think of it as reconditioning her, starting over.
Encourage her to masturbate? If her sex drive is super low, masturbating more often might help raise it, because she'll get used to orgasming again.
I don't understand why sex would hurt for her. If she is healthy and wet, and you're taking it slowly enough for her, it shouldn't... Does she have an underlying medical problem?
My boyfriend didn't understand why I hated sex (I am very shy, so sometimes it takes a while for me to communicate when I have a problem!) until I finally expressed to him that having sex without foreplay hurts because I am not wet/expanded, and it makes me bleed a little and peeing sort of hurts. Since I'd been so uncomfortable so many times before, it's taken a lot of work to get over that, and stop associating sex with pain or fear. If your girlfriend is "scared" of sex, you really need to be patient, because no amount of frustration or anger will calm her nerves...
Also, you only mentioned penetration in your post. Does your girlfriend ever orgasm before/during/after sex? If the answer is no, I totally understand her problem and hope she dumps you if you keep hounding her for sex. But you seem pretty nice so I'll assume this is not the case.
Random advice tidbits that may or may not make sense for your situation:
To make her more comfortable, you could try just focusing on her for a bit. Quit bothering her with your penis until she's comfortable being intimate with you in general. Kiss, snuggle, lick her, tell her she's beautiful, etc... Then slowly try to regain her trust in things that you enjoy, too. Think of it as reconditioning her, starting over.
Encourage her to masturbate? If her sex drive is super low, masturbating more often might help raise it, because she'll get used to orgasming again.
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guest, you are fantastic.
loved your post. i saw myself in there.
come back to steadyhealth lol we need you.
loved your post. i saw myself in there.
come back to steadyhealth lol we need you.
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