Would Adderall withdrawal ALL be in my head?? Long story w/ Suboxone AND klonopin...

Hi there, so I've come across these boards, there IS some excellent info here, but I felt it necessary to start a new topic since my situation is a bit different... Lets rewind.. About 3 1/2 years ago, I had been VERY dependent on opiates, FIRST dependent, but after about 7 years ON, 2 shoulder surgeries (failed surgeries at that), I was a full blown addict, not just dependent, addicted. I managed to quit cold turkey generally once a year, never made it 2 months, came VERY close a few times, but for one reason or another I would start up again~each time being worse than the last (like they say about addicts, for me this proved to be true, each relapse, I ended up worse than before). By the end of the 7-8 years on/off opiates, I had gotten to the lowest I'd been on them, was abusing Oxy Contin, the worst of the worst, 80mgs green SOB's, this was before they were taken off the market. Both smoking and snorting them, I knew there were only 2 places left to go, putting a needle into my veins, whether Oxy or heroin, I've heard what I was doing WAY too much of is about as close to H as you can get, OR I was going to die from an OD, any given day. I was also using benzos the majority of that time, generally Xanax, then klonopin, managed to taper off the klonopin safely before the Oxy addiction got VERY bad. I decided that I absolutely could not quit on my own, every time before had been cold turkey, but was lower scale since I'd never been abusing drugs quite like I was at this time. Always Vicodin, Norco, Percs, the 'easy' opiates to w/d from imo. I got married on July 1st 2009, & on July 9th 2009 I made the choice to go see a 'suboxone' doctor. If I could go back, I would, & I would just deal with the w/d, how I had in the past. Unfortunately I didn't, he never prescribed me the subs for 'addiction' as he likely should have, but instead for 'chronic pain' since I did have pain, that was chronic, it lasted 10 years, & is still there, but in now way was it necessary to be on sub for this. At first I started a somewhat 'normal' dose of sub, about 1 1/2 8mg tablets daily, until I was about a year and a half in, wasn't feeling 'well' and thought INcreasing was the answer. I was wrong, got myself up to about 3, 8mg tablets daily, while also on Xanax for extreme anxiety & panic that I experienced early on, about 6 months into the sub. Eventually the Xanax stopped working & once again I was switched to klonopin, I am still on klonopin now, 2mgs daily, AGAIN feeling that my tolerance is so high that it does NOTHING for me, I see myself tapering the klonopin once again in the NEAR future once the current issue is at bay. I became VERY depressed at around the 3 year mark on subs, I didn't know anything else to do except TAPER, everyone always said LESS IS MORE, so I finally chose to listen and DO, I successfully tapered down to 1 8mg sub daily, all in one drop. I was OK, hardly ANY withdrawal at all. I believe w/ large sub drops, it IS in your mind. The mind is powerful... Once to steadied out, I was sitting at the 1 sub tablet a day, and the 2 1mg klonopins daily. This was the point where I realized I'd never felt SO LOW in my entire life.. Depression, anxiety, insomnia, manic episodes where I was NOT myself, everything had just become DARK. This was right before Christmas this past year, 2012. I didn't have a job any longer, I had quit my job in Sept 2012, it was extremely stressful retail management, I was extremely exhausted, overworked and underpaid.. But had also become anorexic as a result of this. Started to drink about 3 Monster energy drinks daily, was NOT eating one bite of food most days until about 11pm, and once I did, it wasn't much. Between the malnutrition and running around like a crazy person for about 16 months straight, I gave up. We were understaffed, there was NO solution, I could not work less than the 55-60 hours a week I was averaging, I never saw my husband or my dogs, this wore on me slowly at first, and drastically near the end. The day I quit that job I weighed 102 pounds. I'm about 5'6, female, & an 'ideal' weight for myself is roughly 130-140 according to doctors, charts, etc. I was extremely depressed as well, on top of the stress & exhaustion, I couldn't do it. Was extremely sick of friends and family constantly asking me 'are you on drugs? Why are you so thin? Are you sick?' The answer was YES, I was stress sick, & it turned into some type of an eating disorder, primarily from malnutrition and doing TOO much. Just no gas in the tank for me to keep going like that. Once I quit and got some rest (and some nutrition, QUIT energy drinks for GOOD because I'd developed mild ulcers, according to the doctor FROM not only stress, but ALSO the energy drinks and all the junk in those), I had gained about 25 pounds quickly, in less than 2 months. I had changed everything I thought was wrong, and was still very depressed, VERY fatigued, unable to focus on anything, was convinced I could not work because I was in such bad shape. Meanwhile, I'd met a friend, who had been taking adderral for YEARS for adhd, I compared him, to myself, compared the mood differences, everything.. Went back to thinking about how life was BEFORE the 11 some years of drug fog so to speak. Remembered that at age 15 my parents (shortly after the divorced) took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me w/ adhd, and depression. I was put on adderral and Zoloft, much to my mothers dismay (this was my father & stepmother taking me to the doctor). I didn't remember IF the adderral had helped my 'ADHD', done nothing, worse or better because as soon as my mother caught wind of this she flushed ALL meds. There was NO reason for a CHILD to take medications in her opinion. I stopped, and went on with life.. Don't recall any withdrawal from this, but also don't recall the duration of time I was ON them steadily.. After sitting with this friend of mine, I thought a light bulb turned on in my head! This has to be the adhd that I'm feeling.. It's BACK, because I'm 'sober' for the first time in a decade... I made a terrible mistake & made an appointment with a psychiatrist, this was roughly 5 weeks ago, in between Christmas and January 1st. This particular doctor didn't have any problem prescribing me adderral 20mg IR once again. He didn't know my entire history, like I posted here, he knew bits and pieces, & knew the diagnosis I'd had when I was 15. At first I noticed an incredible difference w/ adderral, I was ME again, I could manage to get everything done, and then some. I'd had a job handed to me, a simple job at that, I am a caretaker (3 days a week, 4 hours a day MAX), and this was ok, since my husband previously thought I was capable of absolutely nothing. Moving forward to weeks 2-5 on adderral (week 5, being NOW), I wasn't feeling NEARLY as good as I was.. Still had the energy, but hated the person I was becoming.. My OCD has taken over my personality, I don't fall asleep til 3am most nights, I am once again extremely depressed, just w/ energy.. Clearly I was talking too MUCH adderral, so 3 days ago I cut it back a bit. I realized after reading too much online, that I am a FOOL, an ADDICT, and I do NOT need to change my brain chemistry ANY more than I already have over many years.. I NEED to be OFF of this junk asap, there is no reason for me to throw something else into the cocktail that I will likely be trapped on for years to come. Now, I'm extremely frightened and panicked.. Have I already damaged my brain further? Am I going to go through withdrawals? If so, am I going to be able to make it to work? What HAVE I done? Am I insane for thinking ANYthing will happen because it was such a short time? Am I panicking for NO reason? Am I going to be 10x's more depressed now, than I was prior to the 5 weeks of adderral? I'm scared.. Some people around me believe I should stay on it, some people say get off as FAST as you can, I KNOW I need to be off of it for MYSELF. It is not helping me, I'm not a nice person anymore.. If I were to continue like this I guarantee I will lose EVERYthing, my wonderful husband included. I have out him through hell and BACK with my mental & physical problems.. I just need help, and a STRAIGHT answer from someone, anyone? What HAVE I done? Am I ever going to be OK? I realize the sub and klonopin need to GO as well, but I could MANAGE on those, and in TIME I will take care of it, the issue at hand, right NOW is this adderr garbage.. I cannot continue to use legal amphetamines ANY longer.. My mind is set, my body just doesn't know what to expect, & I'm scared to death that in only 5 weeks I could have set myself up to lose everything.. Can ANYthing help? I cannot take Wellbutrin (major interaction w/ sub), MOST anti depressants that I've checked out ALL have a moderate CNS interaction w/ sub OR klonopin... ANY thoughts or help would be GREATLY appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read if you were able to sort through my mess... I'm just fed up.. I will likely stop the adderral tomorrow, it was 20mgs-40mgs daily, 5 weeks, past 3 days, about 15mgs. I tapered a bit, but I HAVE to stop.. What can I expect? Please and thank you in advance.. And these questions, are ONLY regarding the adderral. I understand what a mess I have w/ the sub AND the klonopin, but one thing at a time, PLEASE.. Thanks in advance, ~Lily