HILARIOUS book but ladies, beware! It may hit a leeeetle too close to home and you may find yourself simultaneously saying "I know that son of a..." and "holy c**p, did I ACTUALLY DO THAT?" all in the same sentence!!! :LOL:
A great eye opening look into the inner workings of a man's mind, rotten as it is ;) but definitely a positive education for anyone who's ever wasted even one night wondering "why didn't he call, what did I do wrong?" You didn't do anything wrong, dear.....this is his issue. Write him off and move on. Truly the no-excuses truth to understanding guys!
The authors, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo, give a great "he said, she said" perspective of the hazards of dating and the dangers of dysfunctional relationships. Greg does a nice recap at the end of each chapter, reminds us all that we are fabulous and deserve better than these losers we are wasting our time crying over, and punctuates his point with quotes from men, who share such words of wisdom as "I'm afraid of being hurt again" is bullsh*t. If a guy is really interested, he'll go for it regardless of what "the last one did to him." Boy did I recognize some of these a**holes....... :?
I'm buying a copy of this for every one of my single girlfriends. Definitely 5 out of 5 bonbons. Greg ROCKS!
Don't waste the pretty. Amen to that.
Just finished it last week and already bought it for a girlfriend.
The problem with books like these is that the whole dating, relationship, marriage, divorce, remarriage, issue is that the whole thing is far meatier and more serious than any of the media is facing up to. It s not a girls group giggle. It s a serious issue.
The whole scene is absolutely reeking with misinformation, double standards, and disasters waiting to happen.
Typical is the self help book, He s not into you , which I had no problem absolutely ripping to pieces in the following review.
These self help books do far more harm than good. More to the point they are virtually the only large scale source of relationship advice. And they are leading people into relationship disasters. Better advice can be found in university studies and much much better advice can be found in the hands of professional marriage guidance counsellers but the second is only normally consulted AFTER the marriage has run its course. And is on the rocks. Too late then
Not into you Page 1
Introduction By Liz
It started out like any other day. We were pitching around ideas for our fiction stories from Sex and the City and one of the women asked for feedback on the behavior of a man who she liked. He was giving her mixed messages and she was confused.
After much discussion we concluded that she was fabulous and that he must be scared.
But on this day we had a male consultant in the room who gives a straight male perspective. Greg listened and then said to the woman. Listen it sounds like he s just not into you.
===== OK ladies. Listen up! Open your ears and, far more importantly, open your minds. Firstly the average woman is about as fabulous as the average man. But the over inflated, and totally fragile female ego can t handle the possibility of being average . This despite the average female making frantic efforts to power dress to the same average as those around her, to date the same type of boyfriends, to patronize the same bars etc etc etc. Baa baa baa!
But Greg couldn t give the straight male perspective that I am giving because even one female ego couldn t handle true male honesty, let alone the half a dozen in the average office environment that Greg normally occupies.
The guy being discussed wasn t giving mixed messages. The woman, like any AVERAGE woman, has been dishing out the mixed messages to the guys for so long that now she s hearing mixed messages even when the guy is talking straight.
We were shocked, appalled, amused, horrified and above all intrigued. We sensed that this man might be speaking a truth that, in our combined hundred years of dating we had never considered.
==== And if you really understood men the way you like to say you do then Greg s comment should have come as no surprise at all.
How many clich s like men they re all the same or we all know what men are like have you been spouting out over the years? Fact is, that in your combined hundred years, you have been getting your information about men, third hand, mostly from women with a string of relationship failures under their belts, and therefore you know nothing at all about men. Face it! Your hundred years is not just useless. Its worse than useless if you have been shoveling the same misinformation onto one another over that time. The girl, on a first date, with no information, or misinformation, has a definite advantage because she starts with a clean slate.
But Greg couldn t possibly understand my very busy and complicated future husband.
===== Liz.! If you are getting this information, about men, from Greg, for the first time in your life, then you should postpone your wedding for at least two years. This kind of information should have come from your future husband long before it came from Greg. If he can t be honest with you in the same way as Greg has been then YOU, not him, have a serious relationship problem. The problem being that, like most women, you can t face the truth in relationships. And, unlike Greg, your future husband knows how much damage he will do to your hopelessly fragile ego by telling you the truth.
Greg made us see that if a sane guy really likes you that there aint nothing gonna get in his way.
===== Where he failed miserably was in demonstrating that if a worthwhile guy really likes you that you that there shouldn t be anything in his way in the first place. But there is. Heaps of stuff.
And, in the present dating environment you, more than anyone else, are throwing barriers in his way left right and centre. While you are doing this some other girl, with a brain of her own, with far more male savvy than you, is throwing herself at the worthwhile guys tits first and brains a close second. Tit s and brains vs barriers! Which one do you think any male, worthwhile or otherwise, is going to choose?
Not into you Page 8
Greg reminded us that we were all beautiful, smart, funny, women and we shouldn t be wasting our time figuring out why a guy is not calling us.
===== Greg failed to mention that beautiful is the last on the list of desirable traits that real men seek. The other traits can be as undesirable as desirable. I note that Greg never used the word turned on when he described the ladies. From a purely sexual point of view that s a hundred times more important than beautiful . From a general point of view the most important characteristic of the lot is likes men Most women are actually so conditioned to man hating that even they aren t aware of how bad they really are.
Smart is desirable. Smart ass is not. Funny ceases to be funny, in a hell of a hurry, if funny consists of a continuous stream of malicious jokes about men. To get some idea of how unfunny this sort of thing becomes, in a hurry, try spending a couple of days cracking nothing but blonde jokes and see how fast the blondes in the office lose their sense of humor.
It s hard. We re taught that in life we should look on the bright side. To be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case look on the dark side.
===== In reality only the kiddy story books end in a happy ending where the handsome prince rides off with the beautiful princess. Only the child s garden looks on the bright side. If you are still being taught from these kiddy books then you certainly can t be called smart .
In business studies we are taught that only five percent of new businesses last more than five years. In marriage we are taught that sixty percent of marriages fail and that fifty percent of husbands and eighty percent of wives cheat in a marriage.
But women seem to suffer some sort of selective deafness when it comes to facing this sort of reality.
Assume rejection first. Assume you are the rule, not the exception. It s intoxicatingly liberating. But we all know it s not an easy concept.
===== It s strange that it s so often touted as not an easy concept when women are discussing it. Because, in the classic style of ignorant spinsters, these same women are advising one another to continually reject the men. EG Don t say yes the first time or he won t respect you. And similar drivel.
(In fact you should ALWAYS say yes the first time or he will never ask you again. He will reject you for somebody who does say yes. Although it s not him rejecting you of course. It s you rejecting him.)
Not into you Page 10
WE go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper excuse mode because the last thing that we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is turning into a creep.
WE go out with someone, we kid ourselves that we have finally found the elusive perfect man , and then they do something, less than perfect, that mildly disappoints us. Something so petty so insignificant that any decent woman wouldn t even notice it, let alone get upset about it. But, even then, instead of talking with him in a civil manner about the issue we sulk and brood over it and wonder why he s so insensitive that he cant read our minds. Then they keep doing a lot more petty things that disappoint, petty, finicky girls like us. Then we go into hyper excuse mode because the last thing that we want to think is that this perfect man that we are so excited about is the usual, good man, quality man, but definitely not a perfect man.
The most extreme , example, of this pickiness, taken way too far, has been touring the internet for some years now. A true story so it s claimed..
"I go on this great first date and we decide to share a cab home - separate stops. When we get in, he buckles his seatbelt! I know that's a wise thing to do, so I feel like a jerk saying this, but it totally turned me off. It just seemed so kid-like and lame. Is he too much of a weenie for me, or am I out of my mind?" wrote Unrestrained Lady, Upper West Side.
To the uninitiated, Unrestrained Lady may seem like a neurotic aberration. But ditching men because they fail to measure up in some infinitesimal way has been a staple gag in real-life single girl chats for years. We all know Ascham women who won't go out with men who don't drive brand cars or didn't go to a "brand" school. Or the woman who instantly went off a man she had been crazy for because he turned up at her front door wearing a plaited belt. In the days before e-tags, another felt her stomach turn when her date fumbled with the bridge toll. These are usually not just excuses to jettison an unsatisfactory male, but genuine reasons for spontaneous revulsion.
For a true creep you would have to be talking about a junkie, addicted to multiple drugs, who had beaten up at least one girlfriend badly enough to cripple her, and had raped his own five year old daughter. These men DO exist and they are absolute barstards. But how many readers actually know them personally? They do exist but they are, thankfully, extremely rare.
We try to come up with some explanation for why they re behaving that way. Any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that s the truth. He s just not into me.
We try to come up with some explanation for why they re behaving that way. Any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, except the one explanation that s the truth. He s a good man. Not a perfect man. The only ridiculous assumption is the whole idea of a perfect man in the first place.
And above all if the guy you re dating doesn t seem to be completely into you or you feel the need to start figuring him out please consider the glorious thought that he might not be into you. And then free yourself up to go find the one that is.
And above all, if the guy you are dating doesn t seem to be perfect or you feel the need to start figuring him out please consider the glorious thought that there may be no such thing as the perfect man. And that you will never figure him out when you rely on information from your girlfriends who know even less about men than you do.
And then free yourself up to either accept the good man you have or to go looking for that mythical perfect man till you are that lonely wasted skeleton on the park bench with no family, no kids, no friends, and still no perfect man.
He s just not into you Page 5
Introduction by Greg
So I m sitting in the writers room at Sex and the City when the writers start talking about guys they re seeing.
So, on this particular day one of the ladies pipes up with Greg, you re a guy. So I ve been seeing this guy .Well I think I have. See we went to a movie and it was great. I mean he didn t hold my hand but that s cool. I don t like to hold hands. But afterward he kissed me in the parking lot. So I asked if he wanted to come over, but he had a really important meeting in the morning so he didn t come over
C mon. Are you kidding me? So I asked Have you heard from him?
Well that s the thing. This was like a week ago. And then today he e mails me and is like Why haven t I heard from you?
I stared at her for a moment while the answer was bursting out of my eyeballs. Here is this beautiful, talented, super smart girl, who is a writer on an award winning TV show known for it s incisive observation about men who you would think could have her pick of just about any dude around. This superstar of a woman is confused about a situation that to me is so clear. Actually confused is the wrong word. She is too smart for that. She s hopeful, not confused. But the situation is hopeless, so I broke the news to her. He s just not that into you.
Greg s been hanging around the girls too long! Actually that s not quite right or quite fair. Greg s writing for a market of female readers, just as the Sex and the City program is written for a market of female viewers and there s a whole bucket load of taboos in this market. (EG You re fat! Which doesn t matter. I like fat chicks. Double taboo there! Fat girls and the guys who like them that way.) Sex in the City would be the worst program I could think of for observations about men. It follows the lives of four women who live in a full on female culture and use men in the same way as they use vibrators. No problem for the men as they still get sex.
They may, or may not, be after more than just sex but at least they do get sex Anything else they are after is irrelevant anyway. This series is about the girls. Not the men that they date.
Let s start with the taboo of mind reading and mixed messages. She refuses to even hold his hand during the movie. He steals a goodnight kiss from her in the car park. It s the obvious place, from a guys point of view, to steal such a smooch, from the average neurotic, rape phobic, stalker phobic, harassment phobic, New York girl. Because if she takes offence and throws a tantrum, there s far less of an audience, far fewer witnesses, and its far easier for him to just walk away, than in the theatre.
The girl suddenly goes into reverse so fast that the gears are practically grinding. From an absolute ice cold b***h who wont even hold his hand she s suddenly inviting him home. Hellooo! It s mixed messages all right but she s the one who s sending them. Not him.
And let me tell you. That s the good news. Because wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person believe me you re not going to wish you had spent more time with Stinky the Time Waster of Freddy Cant remember to Call.
And let me tell you. That s the good news. Because wasting time with this good, but less than perfect man is going to prove the best time you ve ever spent. And when you do move on and start dating a whole heap of different men, who are all less than perfect, that s the first step to coming to terms with the reality that nobody s perfect.
And when you end up dating a genuine creep you will, hopefully, finally, realize just how good the rest of these less than perfect men really are.
At the moment you are wasting your time kidding yourself that your present beau is perfect and agonizing that he isn t. When you finally find yourself genuinely desperate and dateless then you are going to wish you had spent more time with Stinky the Time Waster or Freddy Cant remember to Call.
Look I am not a doctor. But I am an expert who should be listened to for several important reasons. I am a guy. More importantly I am a single guy. A regular guy who has had his fair share of dud relationships with girls who are still seeking a child s handsome prince and can t understand why I am not a handsome prince.
I know how a guy thinks feels and acts. I m tired of seeing women destroying their relationship chances by shoveling the same BS onto one another.
Hes just not into you Page 7
When a guy is into you he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he can t keep his hands off you.
However no guy is into you after the first date, the first dance. He barely knows you. Checking you out involves far more than the ten second look over as he passes you on the street.
He s checking you out for the entire first date. Look long term and clearly and DEMONSTRATE that you are worth getting into before you expect him to be into you.
It s what you demonstrate, by what you do, that he will notice. Not what you say.
Men are not complicated. Things are crazy right now I ve got a ton of sh*t going We are driven by sex although we d like to pretend otherwise.
Men are not complicated. Things are crazy right now I ve got a ton of sh*t going on means just that.
We are driven by the twin forces of survival (job and money) and reproduction (sex) that all successful species are driven by. And sex pulls second fiddle to survival. If he s sorting out a big contract then he fits in sex, with you, behind that contract for the next few months, until that contracts finished. If you stomp off with your nose out of joint about that then he finds a girl with a bit more male savvy. Not you!
Move on sister. Cut your losses and don t waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory.
So what to do? Move on sister? To where? From a very average Joe to better territory? Good idea if you have better territory already in your sights. But from average, but adequate, Joe to nobody at all? That s your call sister. If you can honestly say that you would be happier alone than putting up with average Joes minor faults, with not a pang of regret, then by all means cut your losses and don t waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you are happier alone? But if average Joe is good enough for the moment then hang around till you have better territory lined up. Average Joe may well be heaps better than you can ever imagine. Remember the neurotic who dropped the guy who wore his seat belt. She s just turned down dates with every Indy car and Formula 1 driver in the business. Yea! Those guys all wear seat belts.
You are all dating the same guy.
Hey I know that guy you are dating
Yea I do. He s that guy who s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he s working on. He just been through an awful break and it s really hitting him hard. His parents divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He s just got a new apartment and the move is a b***h As soon as it calms down he ll leave his wife, girlfriend, crappy job. God he s so complicated.
He is a man made up entirely of Your excuses. The minute you stop making excuses for him he will completely disappear from your life .
Are there men who are too busy, or have been through something so horrible that makes them hard to get involved? Yes, but there are so few of them that they should be concerned urban legends.
For, as already suggested, a man would rather be trampled by elephants than tell you that he s not into you.
That s why we have written this book so that they can be seen for what they are. Really bad excuses.
Hey I know that guy you are dating
Yea I do. He s that guy who s so tired from working seventy hours a week because it s that or he s on the dole, and that s not counting the stress itself. He gets home, picks up the phone to ring you, stretches out on the couch to get comfortable and bang, its dawn. He s fallen asleep mid dial. That s how hard he s been working.
He just been through the kind of awful break up that leads one in thirteen of these guys to suicide. Forget everything you have ever heard about youth suicide. Guys outnumber girls by three to one in the suicide data and post divorce trauma accounts for twice as many suicides as all the rest put together. Almost all of them guys! Yes! He is doing it that hard.
His parents divorce has scarred him since the day he sought out the long lost dad who his mum told him had abandoned him ten years ago. That dad has told him that, contrary to the man hating lies of his mum, he has been paying full maintenance, and has sent him a present every birthday and Christmas even if mum made sure he never received them..
And that dad has been living in a residential trailer park on an income of twenty dollars a week, by the time the tax man and the maintenance women have helped themselves to his pay envelope.
Right now he has to focus on his career or he will have no career whatsoever. Not even just a job. He can t get involved with anyone unless she s the absolute perfect woman who definitely delivers the commitment she expects.
If, and only if, it calms down he ll dump his crappy wife, and if and only if, he can find a better one he will leave his crappy job.
He is a man made up entirely of his own perfectly valid reasons. Reasons that you would consider perfectly valid for knocking back any guy who was bothering you when you had other things on your mind.
The minute you stop making allowances for them he will certainly disappear from your life and will possibly suicide. Not your fault of course although your dumping him may have been the last straw, It s actually the fault of an abusive ex and an abusive court system.
Are there men who truly fit this mould. Yes! Quite literally millions of them. Almost every man who divorces seriously contemplates suicide at some stage and that one in thirteen are only the ones who happen to succeed. That one in thirteen accounts for as many dead bodies as the total number of road deaths.
But, because you are so hung up on the idea of a handsome prince the average ordinary, abused, male would rather be trampled by elephants than tell you the real reason that he s not into you.
No female is game to put these reasons to print. To really get them out of the closet. These really bad excuses cop a heap of sympathy when the women use them as excuses to skip the dating game and the women aren t the ones so distressed that they are blowing their brains out.
Do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask him out, when then made excuses when he didn t. Then she slept with him when they were both drunk and basically hung around until they were kind of dating? Then he cheated on her, but because she knew deep down inside that if she forgave him and kept her expectations low and was really agreeable that she s get him in the end He was drunk at the wedding and they lived miserably ever after, on an unsatisfying relationship that was built on a shitty foundation.
You don t? That s because these movies don t get made because that s not what love is like. People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one that they love. Big movies are made about it and every relationship that you admire bursts with the kin d of greatness that you hope for in your own life. And the more you value yourself the more chance you ll have of getting it.
So read these excuses, have a laugh at them and then put them to rest. You re worth it.
Do you remember that movie when the girl waited around for the guy to ask him out, when she should have simply asked him out and then taken the yes or no answer with good grace. Then she slept with him when they were both drunk and basically hung around until they were kind of dating? Then he cheated on her, that is if you can even call it cheating when they were only kind of dating in the first place. She forgave him because she knew that if she kept her expectations realistic that she s get him in the end? He was drunk at the wedding but the kid somehow cemented their lives toghther a few years later.
You don t? That s because this guy isn t evil enough and the girl not pure enough for the tastes of most movie goers. The guy, fictional or factual, has to be a perfect man or a perfect barstard before directors take an interest. This hypothetical guy has never beaten her up, never raped anyone in his past, never committed a jailable crime.
And the girl is a mug. Stupid enough to keep after him. Not pure enough. No female ego can tolerate a stupid female depicted on screen.
Generally great movies are made about great people doing great things. TV family series are made, not about great families, but certainly about perfect families who only ever cop minor problems. Nanny series are a good example where the nanny moves in as an otherwise perfect family where the father never seems to have any grief problems, if he s a widower, or legal problems with his ex wife.
And the more you try to make these movies reality the closer you are coming to this ridiculous perfect man again.
People are not inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one that they love. Not when those people include women. Ask any group of women what remarkable things they have done to find and be with the one they love and the answers start to look seriously feeble.
So, if you actually have a brain, and genuinely want a man, read these reasons, think about them, be aware of them and allow for the stress and pain that your next prospective date is going through and you will have a chance.
If you haven t got a brain, or don t want a man, then read them, dismiss them as feeble excuses, have a laugh at them, which will make you feel so much better and then put them to rest. After that find yourself a good comfortable park bench to spend the next sixty years, waiting for the perfect man.