Suffering through a painful breakup, boyfriend thinks hes gay.

You are not alone. And supposedly, it happens to lots of people. My first boyfriend broke up with me 7 months ago because he is gay. I was completely crushed. And still am a little hurt by it. But if he says he still loves you, then what's the reason in cutting off all ties? He can't help how he feels. And I'm sure he is going through a lot right now also. My ex and I are still great friends. I felt so much like you, you won't even believe. I didn't trust him that he wanted to still stay in my life after he had told me. But he did. And still is. And now that I know this about him, things have been so much better between the two of us than ever before. Knowing the real him is what makes up for it. You just have to accept him for who he is. I know it's hard right now. But just trust me. I've had the same issues with suicide and such. I made it...haven't found someone new yet. But I'm doing okay. I know you will too. You just have to hang in there. I'd be glad to talk. I know it's hard to find people who have been in a similar situation.

 ***this post is edited by moderator *** *** private e-mails not allowed*** Please read our Terms of Use

I am responding because I am looking for advice too. I hope you are happier now and that things all worked out.

I am struggling because about 5 months into my relationship with my boyfriend he told me he had a couple sexual encounters with men. He comes from a family that does not tolerate gay people, so I am worried that I am his cover because he is too scared to tell them the truth. I have had such a hard time dealing with this because I have low self esteem and worry that I am not enough for him because I don't have a penis and cannot fulfill his needs that way. He is always saying that I am the woman for him and says how he wants to get married, but he never initiates sex and lately hasn't been in the mood. And I am terrible and looked through his online history and saw that he started watching gay porn and was taking quizzes trying to determine his sexual orientation and googled "I like penis and girls". 

I am just not sure how to talk to him. I won't be mad at him and I want him to be happy even if it means we aren't a couple anymore. He is my best friend and always will be. But I also don't want to get married and have kids and have him break it off when we are 50 because he has been keeping this pushed deep down inside of him.

Please help...

It's timely that I found this page. I am browsing for some enlightenment on how I feel right now. I have a mutual understanding with a man for more than 2 years now. He courted me as a normal man, gave me flowers and sweets and lured me to fall for him. I was there for him too during his dark and low moments. I even supported him financially even he needs. After a year, I learned that he is gay. I felt like I was splashed with a bucket of icy waters. I felt being used as a front but I gave him a chance. I did not confront him at first but my woman's instinct told me to snoop into his emails and I found the answer. When I told him about it, he said we will discuss it later. He is not yet ready to talk about it and I gave him time. I love him but I felt being betrayed. He said he will turn his back away from gay lifestyle but his sms messages tell otherwise. Worse is I found out that he has an endearment with a guy friend. I suspect that he has a relationship with him as his attention to me now is not like before.

I pondered on this during my sleepless night. I fear for the uncertainties in the future and I decided to let him go. It's excruciating but worth it as I know that I can't love someone who has divided attention and affection towards me.

I think the issue with these relationships is that the guy is so endearing, and sweet. They chase you and make you feel like the best girl in the world. I'm currently in a relationship for about 11 months now and it was a mutual agreement that my boyfriend was bi, and I accepted him for it. Recently, he's been pushing me away and ignoring me because he needed space. In actuality, he was thinking of breaking up with me because he wanted to go figure out whether he was gay or not. Of course I automatically thought it had something to do with me, but it doesn't. He says i'm the most perfect, loving girl he has ever truly loved, but there is a feeling in him that he wants something different, and that something is not me. The way he said it was very hurtful, but I truly believe he was trying to be open and honest. He was my first love and it sucked to think something was so great and really was a lie. I don't think he didn't love me, though. He's proved that before and our sexual relationship is great. He just needs space to figure things out. The best thing to do is to break it off and tell him you'll support him, but you cannot get into any emotional/sexual encounters. You have to fully come to an understanding that he may not ever come back. It is tough and I am suffering right now too. I went into depression during my time with him because of his threats of breaking up and not being able to tell me why. And now that he finally decided to come out with it, it wasn't too much of a shock, but it certainly didn't make me feel good. I felt alone and deserted. He said we were soulmates and we were absolutely perfect. He doesn't have gay stereotypes, but I guess it's something he wants to explore. It's been over a year now since you last posted, and I hope that you are okay. I felt a lot better when I found out that other people are going through the same thing. It's easier listening from them than with my friends because they don't really understand what is going on. I hope the best for all of you, and I know that we will all find someone that will be committed to us and only us. 

Hi, I can really identify with the last few posts. Two years ago I searched through the web for similar threads. I was madly in love with a wonderful man. He treated me like a queen. When we began dating I used to tell my friends "I hope this one lasts because he'll have ruined me for other men." Then after we had known each other about seven months he told me that he was bisexual. I read everything, looked for as much information as I could find. I loved him but was worried that I might not be able to meet his needs long term. Ultimately, I realised that as sexuality is unique to each individual no one can answer that question except your partner. Unfortunately, I've come to know that his answer may not be truthful or complete depending upon how comfortable he is with his sexuality.

I asked him. He told me that he liked men and women, had explored both genders and relationships with each and had a strong sexual and emotional preference for women. He said he wanted to be honest with me as he loved me. He was also, on the face of things, comfortable with his sexuality: his friends and family all knew. I trusted him and was relieved that he had had the opportunity to explore before meeting me. He was 31 when we met, is 34 now. He was first with men at 19 but had been with far more women. He'd had an on-off relationship with a man for a couple of years. His most recent relationship had been for 1.5 years with a woman.  He had loved both. He could love both. He had never broken up with either a man or woman because of their gender. Great, I thought, he's the elusive bisexual people doubt but he's real and he's wonderful and he's mine!

He is no longer mine. He broke up with me in January. He couldn't do it to me anymore he said. He had lied. He had to imagine men in order to orgasm with me. He wanted to be straight very badly. He wanted to get married and have a family. He loved me and thought I'd make a great mom but he was gay. He didn't want to be gay, wanted to be bi but wasn't. Over the past few months he's been coming to terms with it. He's been re-coming out to friends and family. He has started dating and is happier in himself. The whole relationship has devastated me.

I don't know what your partners' stories are. I don't know if they are bi or gay. However, as nasty as it may sound: I weighed up all the information I had and it pointed to Bi; I listened to the man I loved as he told me he was Bi; I don't doubt that bisexuality exists BUT if I had to do it all again I'd have told him I loved him but had to let him go. The damage to your self-esteem is not worth it. Love them BUT love yourself more. When I searched I found lots of posts by women who had doubts or who had just found out. I always wondered how their stories had ended. I hope this helps.