Two years ago, my father left us: Mother, self, and five siblings. He left us for another woman, who claimed she had his son almost fifteen years earlier. The same year he "fathered" her son, another woman claimed she had his son also. This son of his was brought to our home because the mother refused to raise him on her own, and was an alcoholic/drug abuser. Same can be said about the other woman as well.
We grew up believing our father was a beloved and respectable community member.
When I was eleven, we lived in New Mexico. Around summer time, I remember the arguments my parents use to have about seeing another woman in another town. Around the same time, my father had moved in his alcoholic brother who had lost his family because of his addiction. He would claim the woman who was calling was calling for his brother. And that his brother had used my father's name when he gave out the number.
At the end of the summer, my mother could not take anymore of the lies and arguments. She had enough of the drunken brother not contributing to the house bills or housekeep. She told my father's brother to leave. In doing so, my father had argued about being alone without his brother near by and threatened to leave. She told him that he was free to leave if he chose and that it was selfish of him to favor his brother over his wife and children because he "felt alone".
He took the car, cleared the bank accounts, even though my mother was the one working two jobs to support us. We didn't see or hear from him again until I was in high school.
I had overheard my mother talking to my grandmother about my father coming to see us. I was excited, hurt, and angry at the same time. Why now, after all these years was he trying to come back into our family? He chose to leave. He chose to hurt us. Sure I was angry. But I had finally learned that watching the driveway and hoping one day that he would pull back into our lives was a waste of my time. How could I trust him again?
November 13th, 1995, 8:15 AM, he checked me out of class. I didn't even get to clean out my locker or say good bye to my friends. 11:39 PM, we were in South Dakota. A whole new world. My father's world.
He promised a lot of things. A home, a car, friends, a new school. He kept some of his promises. The new school was fun. Friends were definitely new. But the house was horrible. A 2 bedroom house for an 8 person family. The car was my mom's car that she had bought at a used car lot after he took her first car. Of course, he had a job. And that was a good thing. My mom found a job right away: Teaching elementary school.
We were finally beginning to trust him again.
My freshman year of college was a disaster. I lost my cousin to colon cancer. I had a cancer scare myself. I left school to stay close to family. That's when the arguments started again.
Soon after that is when the two women interrupted our lives. My mother was shattered. My brothers began to distance themselves. My sisters became suicidal. I got a job to keep the bills paid. My father was gone.
I wrote him a very opinionated email. I sought counseling. I encouraged my brother to get a job to help my mom pay bills. I helped my sisters through high school. In turn, they helped the twins with their homework as well. We pulled our efforts together and made the best of what we had. My mom was working and was in counseling as well.
Almost six months went by. Here he was again. Promising the world, apologizing up and down. She relented and allowed him to come back.
Now almost two years later, he started up his cycle again. Refusing to work, ignoring his youngest children, and yet tending to his "other son", and literally destroying vehicles are some of the actions we have seen. He claims that he is disabled, a horse riding accident last winter, and yet he is fixing engines and other vehicular problems that other people are having, but cannot lift a finger when it comes to changing the oil in our vehicles. He even makes us pay, even though his work is free to others. He quit his job, sleeps all the time, uses my mother's money freely, hardly ever cleans the house, and refuses to take my brother's to school if they miss the bus. He doesn't even acknowledge that they are his sons. But takes his other son, Rodney where ever he wants to go.
My mother tells me all of her thoughts, and yet, when it comes to actually doing it, she backs out, thinking he'll change. I told her that his attitude will never change. He'll always be that way. She'll never have anything good for herself. She can't just accept it as life. That's not her life. It's his life that he keeps dragging her into. She, of all people, deserves to be happy. If she can't do it for herself, then for her children. Even though this is the twin's senior year, she has grandkids she dotes on. They deserve for her to be happy.
I told her to make him leave. All the bills are in his name, but WE pay them. I even chose to put them in my name so he can leave without have excuses to come back. What more can I say...?
If your mother is already paying the bills see if she can just transfer the bills into her name. If not, cancel and then go back to the companies with your mother's name etc.
Most of all,
Take care of yourself and know things can and do get better. Sometimes its just a waiting game.
Try not to get too down.
Pppfff... you really don't believe all that stuff about "lovable and respected community member" do you? because i feel such things hold people on such a high pedestal and you really should hold people to a reputation they never asked to be... nobody is "perfect" and nobody can behave all the time... we are all human, make mistakes and do bad things... some people though have bigger inner demons than others and just behave the way your dad does, it's nothing new really... it's just some people really do have bigger more destructive darker sides, we all have dark sides and darkness within us and it's not fair to think everybody can always be this "perfect citizen", that's just a WHOLE lot of social pressure and nobody asked for that and it's one of the reasons people are such a mess in this society... darn social pressures... As someone who is generally an outsider i get bullied and i'm the target of such pressures all the time but i don't blaime to be "perfect" ether but i'm not afraid of my dark side, i own it, i use it for inspiration, creativity and without her i wouldn't be as strong as i am, she is my strength, instinct, intuition, cunning, passion, inspiration and looks after me, i say she because it really is like another person lol, so nobody is in any way "perfect" and i highly doubt your farther ever said he were... so don't get roped into believing such things... that SURE is a lot to live up to... What he did wasn't right though cheating on your mother then knocking up 2 other women, then continuing to leave, abandon your mum, you and all your other siblings NOT caring the damage he's doing and he definitely needs to leave and not come back... THAT is definitely NOT acceptable and the cops should of been called on him years ago and he should of been arrested for neglect, he just keeps using your mum and other women, knocking them up, raising them up then knocking them down because of how badly he feels about himself, your mother though isn't innocent in this ether for sure when she's part of the problem and doesn't entirely seem to care the damage she's doing to any of you ether and you need to tell her to make a voice, her children or him, i know it's not great to make her make a choice like that but she has to... otherwise if she doesn't listen you should all probably just leave, of course that's probs what he's counting on to mess your mothers up life too, perhaps if you told her that point of how he's trying to isolate her from all her friends, family and all of you... she might listen, if not then there ain't nothing you can do but leave... Parents are VERY selfish these days and most of us know how you feel... most of us these days are neglected to some extent and it's VERY hurtful beyond anything but at the end of the day you just gotta look after yourself, if she still don't listen you are your siblings should just look after each other, it seems it's all you've got right now.