This is going to be a mixed bag of a post; I'm withdrawing from a loooong & heavy cannabis addiction & frankly, life looks shite! I'll try and be concise & to the point, but excuse the extended story. Only read this, if you have time on your hands!
I think my background & experiences has a lot to do with why I'm feeling the way I do, right now, but I can't see what I can do to change my outlook on life. I am an only 'child', with a large maternal family; however, my maternal family has a fair few skeletons. Both grandparents were unfit parents- the grandfather was a child-molester & the grandmother was both a child-molester & violent. Both are dead now & luckily, I wasn't a victim of either (although some of their grandchildren were). As a consequence of a bad family environment, my mother fell pregnant as a teenager (to get out of the family home) & ended up a single mother. My biological father started a family with someone else within a year of my birth & I didn't see him again until I was 18. My mother went on to marry a man, who became my 'Dad'. Throughout my childhood, he demonstrated jealousy & didn't really like that my mother was very protective of me. He was also an alcoholic & we had to move around a lot due to him losing jobs, etc. However, he was a good man & in my view was my REAL dad; he wasn't abusive to me & despite our personality differences & competition over my mother, he DID treat me as his real daughter.
He was infertile, so I never had any brothers & sisters. Yet there was a small age difference between me & my mothers younger brothers & in my childhood, I looked up to them as my older brothers. I was 10 when my closest uncle watched & encouraged his friend to sexually abuse me on a swimming trip- then tell me it was 'a bit of a laugh' and 'nothing to get worked up about'. I was quite a confident 10 year old & remember telling my attacker afterwards that if he did it again, I'd kill him. I didn't tell anyone, until I was in my 30's. As I saw it- it hadn't necessarily effected me in life- it had only happened once & I had heard worst stories about the abuse my mother went through, so I repressed it. Even now- I don't feel that the incident itself has effected me too much in adulthood, with regards to my perception of the opposite sex. Yet I do believe that it's significant & fits in to a bigger picture of feelings & thought patterns that have occured since.
This uncle is now a registered child sex-offender. I have no idea what happened to his friend.
Later on, it was revealed that another uncle I was close to was also a child molester & was accused of attacking my cousin. Thus, for most of my adulthood, I have been distant from my mother's family. Only a few know where I live & I haven't spoken to most of them since my own child was born.
At 11, I started showing symptoms of a psychotic disorder. I had just started a new school & smoking cannabis with my friends. Soon afterwards, I was having delusions that I was psychic & from another planet. This was when I first tried to commit suicide. I attempted to slash my wrists with a rosery cross.
I was being bullied at school- obviously, I was the weird kid; the mental case; the one no-one wanted to hang out with- apart from the two girls who ritualistically bullied me & gave me weed. After being threatened & tortured by these 2 girls (they trapped me in a house, held me down- stripped me & rubbed bleach in to my skin), I tried to commit suicide again at age 14, by taking an overdose. I was hospitalized & saw a psychiatrist. However, after 3 days of hospital & an agreement with the school to let me attend half-days, it was business as usual.
Three months later, my dad died instantly in a drink-driving accident. I didn't go back to school after that. Those were the days, when if the teachers didn't see any hope in you- they didn't pursue you. My mother got a couple of letters, but as soon as I was 15, I started working full-time in a factory, so the education authority didn't bother chasing me. Needless to say, I didn't do any high school qualifications.
At 18, I met my biological father & his family. I was quickly rejected by them. His step-daughter had BIG problems with me turning up & made it clear from day one that I wasn't welcome in their family. Her mother- my biological father's wife- was different. She welcomed me at first- in fact, she was overly accepting- but after meeting them for the 3rd time, she turned against me & I had to be quickly whisked away from their home, because she was threatening to stab me. She was convinced that her daughter would be pushed out with my arrival. After a few months, she started harrassing me by phone (they lived in Ireland- me in England) and threatening to kill me, if she saw me again.
Ironically, when I got in touch with my biological father, I wasn't looking for a replacement dad. I had had my dad- I wanted a family. I wanted brothers & sisters, nieces & nephews. When I went to meet them, on each occasion I bought gifts for them all, including my step-sisters 2 children & husband. The person I most wanted to be accepted by was her- I would have loved to have had a sister to confide in & be close to.
My biological father was eventually given an ultimatum by his wife & step-daughter- me or them. He chose them & I haven't seen or heard from him or them since. This was 16 years ago.
Throughout my 20's, I was promiscious, took drugs & drank quite heavily. I always had a job- but there were a lot of them. I wasn't a stable person, by any measure. Then I fell pregnant at age 24.
The father of my son is waste of space. He made physical threats when I was pregnant- although, I never took any of them seriously, as he's all mouth & no action in every sense of the word! He refused to believe he was the father- so I told him to get a DNA test; he refused, despite me getting the forms sent to him. Then he 'disappeared'; didn't get in touch & wouldn't respond to my contact, unless it was to make idle threats of solicitors letters. When our son was 6 months old, I went to a solicitor to try & force him to have contact with our son, but was told I couldn't do anything. My ex had to CHOOSE to have contact with our son! He chose not to see him, so we didn't see him again for 2 years. It was then that I got in contact with him to give him another chance of fatherhood.
At this time, he would turn up whenever he felt like it; would cancel visits or turn up with his girlfriend and sit talking to her, rather than pay attention to his child. Then he disappeared again & when I got in contact with his sister, I was told that he was in Tunisia with his girlfriend. He hadn't told us he wouldn't be seeing his son for over a month & had been pleading poverty, saying he couldn't contribute to our son's upbringing!
On his return, he didn't bother getting in touch again and it was another 5 years before he would see his son. On this occasion, I had met his new girlfriend at a party & got on really well with her. He was supporting his new girlfriends two children & I assumed that perhaps, he had grown up & was able to take responsability for his own child. I disgussed this with his girlf & then arranged a meeting with him.
I honestly thought it would work out that time. But it was only 3 months before he started his old tricks. He wasn't contributing, but would boast about gifts he had bought for his step-children; he also asked me for money to take our son & her children out on his afternoons with our son, he started cancelling visits to spend time with his girlfriend & her family, let our son regularly watch a racist comedy show, wouldn't feed him or give him drinks on their time together & on a few occasions, used our son as a babysitter for his girlf's younger children (our son was 7 & her children were 5).
When I found out, I confronted him about these issues, but instead of stopping the visitations- I tried to educate him & talk about how he could bond appropriately with our son. I also questioned why he had to behave this way & even talked to his girlfriend to see what her opinion on it all was. They're not together now, but I did genuinely like her. She's quite a weak woman- always needs a man in her life & is a submissive partner- but is generally a sweet, nice person.
Rather than work with me, he blew up about it all & again, stopped seeing his son.
I gave him another chance a couple of years later, but this time went through mediation. I arranged it & paid for it. I agreed to his times & place- he had complete control. After 3 months, he stopped arranging the visits.
The last time he was seeing our son regularly- he initiated it after a chance meeting with him in a pub (certaintly a chance meeting, as I very rarely drink). Everything was great for 6 months, until he again- started his old tricks. He was no longer with a girlfriend, but would brag about the knives he likes to spend hundreds on and the nights out he was having. Then he was telling our son "Sorry, mate- I'm skint this weekend, so can't take you out". He would also take his pocket money off of him for losing bets they had made! Our son is 11.
Thus, our son started cancelling afternoons with his father & has said that he doesn't want to see him again. He doesn't like him- he said he's self-centred & talks about nothing but himself. Our son would tell him about concerts & events at school, etc & his father would either ignore him or start telling about when he was in a rock band (he was in a band that played clubs, when he was a teen- it didn't even record!). He's never actually attended any school events, despite knowing about them.
Anyway- to tie all these experiences up; my grandfather, my uncles, my biological father, my step-father & the father of my child- all of them have turned out to be major disappointments. All have let me down & either abandoned me or shown me that they are not nice, trustworthy people.
Thus, instrinsticly, I have a negative thought schemas concerning men. They haven't affected my sexuality, yet I do think that perhaps I put 'something out there'. I'm not outwardly aggressive- in fact, around men I'm shy & don't know how to communicate with them. However, once I get in to a conversation with a man, I come accross as overly independent & dismissive. It seems that I am unloved & unliked by them.
And it hurts.
I'm in my mid-30's now & haven't been able to maintain a relationship for over 6 months. In my years as a mother, I've had short-lived relationships & dates, but have only introduced one partner to my child & that was after 5 months of seeing him & by accident (he turned up when he was told not to). Out of the 11 men I've had dates or short relationships with in the past 12 years, 9 turned out to have secret girlfriends- one even had a wife that I had no idea about until I'd been seeing him for over a month. This is usually why they were short-lived or didn't go beyond one or two dates.
I feel I have good reason to be cautious- afterall, not one significant male in my life has turned out to be trustworthy. Yet I feel completely destitute because of it & I'm tired of being independent & strong. I want to have a protective father & a man I can turn to.
Lately, my son has been having anxiety problems. He's very sensitive- probably because of the all-female childhood- and has just started high school. The rough and tumble of lads his age is beyond him, and recently he was mugged by an older boy.
This has set me off on a complete head-spin & I feel quite close to a breakdown.
In my 20's I was diagnosed with mental health problems & later on- after a number of years trying to find suitable medication- I started self-medicating with cannabis. This was not a good idea & some of my own social anxieties have been made worse by my use. I stopped smoking, but it seems that the feelings I was able to repress while smoking are now coming to the surface.
The ironic thing is that I am now a qualified psychologist & specialise in attachment theories! I used my experiences to my advantage & have made a career out of my past. Yet at the moment, my education & knowledge means absolutely nothing. I can't do anything to help my son- I feel totally helpless.
Right now, I'm in a circle of blaming the men in my life, yet feeling unusually needy for a man in my life! I don't feel as if I have anyone to help & support me. I want to run back to the weed. When I'm stoned, I couldn't care less & am more focused on solutions to the way I'm feeling, rather than sinking in to them.
And the c**p thing- I've deleted my dealers number, so I can't get any anyway.
I better end this now- apologies for the eye strain & thank you for reading. Perhaps, simply getting it out there will help. I have no idea!
If anyone actually managed to read all that- a big well done to you!
I am now feeling much better & very pleased my 'mental head' was only screwed on for one day.
After writing the post, I screwed on my 'action head'- turned up the Black Eyes Peas on the stereo & cleaned my house; developed new things to be pee'd off about (like how a close friend of mine is actually quite patronising) & decided that "Duck it- I'd rather be me, than a sad, man- dependent, submissive, little woman".
And after all- I have a Plan B. If I'm still single at age 40- I WILL be a cougar!
I just read your post, and it was exactly what I needed. I've been through alot too, but have managed to COMPLETELY turn my life around and am applying to medical school this year. My mom struggles with alcohol and my brother with drugs and anxiety, and it really affects me. All day I've been wondering "How can I possibly help people with their lives if I can't handle my own?" Reading your post made me feel 100% more confident in moving forward. We're all human, and nothing should hold us back. I guess its better to try and help people rather than dwell on the past and let your insecurities limit your future. Thanks for posting the update. Knowing that you got through your "mental head" gives me hope that I will too.
Dear Violet_Ivy, I hear what your saying and I can relate to a lot of it. Hang in there. Don't give up. If you get off track or fall back into a bad habit, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Then get back in line with what you know you should be doing. Love yourself which is hand in hand with the forgiving. Also, release the negative feelings and resentments as much as can. Know that you are doing that for your health not theirs. It really does matter that you let that stuff go. I hope things have turned for the better at this time for you. If not. please hang in there and you can respond to this post if you need someone to talk to who's not biased or involved in the daily drama to help you keep your head up. Best wished and love to you.
I am really sorry to hear about the sh*t you have had in your life, it's funny because I can relate to a lot of the stuff you have been through. I used to grow my own cannabis and self medicate like yourself. Istopped over two years ago now.My (x) girlfriend if thats the correct terminology died of a heroin overdose in 2006,my best friend and mother died a couple of years before and i was left to bring up my daughter, aged 4 by myself, even though at the time I felt suicidal. it was a real sh*t time as a result I ended up on a high morphine prescription. One day I decided I had enougth and stopped my medication at home without any reduction plan, help or support. I asked my x girlfriend's parents to mind my daughter Daya while I had to do what I had to do, thinking this would only take a couple of weeks at the most to get well again. I ended up having a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with opiate withdrawl scitzophrenia. my daughters grandparents took this as a golden oppertunity to involve the social services and children's court at a time when I needed help and support (bastards) they had my beutifull little angel legally taken from me which only added to my pain. It took six months before I could even see her for 1 hour a week. This eats away at my heart on a daily basis, I do not understand why people are so cruel. I could add a lot more but I am quite tired now. Oh I am very much like yourself in respect to no family support , I myself am tired of being independent and strong and would love to share my thoughts and life with a caring lady but I have a track record of picking the wrong ones. I live in Leigh a small town near Manchester. I would hope the bad men in your life have not made you think they are all the same,I would like to think I am a very genuine, kind, considerate man.
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Love, Light, and happiness to you allways you sound like you deserve it.
Hi Truth Seeker,
Thank you for your reply- it was very kind of you to take time out and read all that.
It's been a couple of weeks since you posted and you don't appear to be a member, so perhaps you won't see this.
I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. Are you still getting to see your daughter for an hour a week? This is utterly cruel and I have no doubt that the impact of being seperated from your daughter made your mental health issues worse. I really hope you and your in-laws manage to work something out eventually- not only for your sake, but your daughters. After losing her mother, the family should have done a better job of keeping you and your daughter together, by SUPPORTING you through your problems and not ostracising you. And btw- your daughters name is absolutely gorgeous! Very unique.
I don't see all men as the same and I understand that some men have been through the works with women. Such is life! We're all individuals and all have our own set of personalised baggage, despite gender. When I wrote that post over a year ago, I suppose I felt pissed off that I am still struggling to find 'The One' and while I see others around me getting support from their significant others, I've never had one and I feel like I'm missing out. I don't want to miss out and it's feels unfair that I should.
A year later and nothing has changed in my situation, but something inside me has changed- I've accepted it.
Love and light to you too, Truth Seeker and say Hello to Manchester for me- I love the place! One of my favourite cities.