My medical abortion through Planned Parenthood, hour by hour, typed in as real time as possible.

My goal with this post is to write out the first 48 hours of a medical abortion. I am experiencing this as I write. I don't know any more than anyone could whose only resource has been planned parenthood and the internet. I'm not writing this to change anyone's mind and as I now type, I really hope people with negative things to say just go be an as****e in some other comment section. I am writing this because, as much experiences as I have read, I feel like so much was left to the imagination in each story. I don't expect to writhe in a bathtub filled with bloody water for hours, like one woman described, and, considering the doctor who did my initial consult looked at me and said "It will definitely hurt," I definitely don't expect it to feel like a normal period where I am simply able to go through my day, like now women described it, including her being able to care for her two small children. I've already been to my appointment, taken the first pill, the antibiotic, got my painkiller prescription filled but skipped the anti-nausea meds because I had some and because I find them to be personally ineffective.

My appointment to get the pills for the medical abortion was at 8:30 am this morning. I sat in a waiting room with other women who looked, admittedly, way more depressed than I am now or was then. Remember, there are many reasons women have to or want to do this. I just tried to keep my eyes to myself. Some women were fidgety, some women were visibly upset, some had a friend, a mother, or a man with them. I was alone, like the majority of women. I just sat, playing on my phone, waiting for my name to be called.
I was called and asked to sit in another room. The woman who walked me to the second waiting room handed my a brown bag that had the four pills inside that I would insert vaginally later. I had made that choice because I know I won't be able to function well with the 24 hour wait just looming ahead. I am not a fan of the unknown. I've read so many stories, some women describing extreme pain, others making the process seem relatively easy considering the potential for extreme pain, diarrhea, vomiting, etc.
I sat in the second waiting room for a few minutes. another woman and her friend came in. Nobody spoke. But, really, what were we supposed to say? So, excited about not having a baby? Probably not appropriate.
My name was, again, called within 10 minutes. I was guided into an office with a doctor who handed me an antibiotic and a pill to block progesterone. He watched me swallow them both. He asked how I would take the next four pills and explained to wait at least six hours to insert them vaginally. He then handed me two prescriptions, one for pain, one for nausea, and that was basically it. He was nice, not interested in discussing anything personal, and seemed a little surprised when I held my had out to shake his hand and thank him. He delicately shook my hand and I left.
When I got to my car and looked at my prescriptions, I really wish there had not been Planned Parenthood printed at the top. With all the ways they seem to keep this a very confidential experience, including never even saying your last name, I felt a little betrayed by the obviousness of the prescription itself. Either way, I wasn't going to not fill my pain killers because I didn't know what to expect. 8 pain killers cost me nine dollars and change.
When I got home I finished prepping for my nightmare of an experience (as some people make it seem) or just a day of not being at work with cramps and bleeding.
This is where I should tell you that I have no idea whether I will need the following items but this is what I have and have prepared.
1. Incontinence diapers because I didn't want to be at the mercy of pads or leaks or, god forbid, leaky diarrhea (it could happen, right?). I placed small piles of these in the bathroom and in my room, making sure they were always within easy reach.
2. Incontinence pads for my bed and/or anywhere else I choose to be. I used four large safety pins and pinned one down to the sheet on my bed in the hopes that I may sleep through some of this (I have several things to take to try to make that happen - to each their own) and do not want my memory foam stained or wake up in a pool of blood. I spread one pad out on the bathroom floor, one on the sofa, a few next to each pile of pull-ups, and an extra next to the sofa and my bed.
3. A plethora of comfort food: Macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes to feed a family of four, my favorite meal from the Chinese take out place I love, chips and hummus and cheese so that I can have nachos or hummus, Gatorade, water, popsicles, ice-cream, chocolate cake, soup, and cookies. It may be overload but I didn't want to be miserable and hungry and not have something I wanted. Today is not the day to give a sh*t about weight gain. Plus, if I do vomit, I feel like I'll just be hungry again. Right? I don't know, maybe not. But I am prepared.
4. A collection of movies I have been recording on my DVR. A list of movies I have been wanting to see which are available for rent on the sources we all have for renting movies on our TVs or computers.
5. A set up to watch any of the above from bed, from my sofa, or from the bathroom (some women have reported spending a lot of time in the bathroom and one woman reported just staying in there for hours so I am prepared for that, too).
6. Bathroom flushable wipes, an extra roll of toilet paper on the toilet for easy access, tons of new dog toys and chews to keep my fur babies happy and entertained, large doggy potty pads set out by the door in case I can't walk them or the can't wake me up in time. Water bottles and Gatorade set out in every room along with cold ones in the refrigerator.
7. I made sure to have some paper bowls and plastic spoons and forks so I wouldn't have dirty dishes piling up.
8. I have also made sure to have an empty trash bag in the trash can and hung a second empty trash bag in my bathroom, on the shower rod, for any and all bathroom related garbage.
9. The support numbers of hotlines to call if I feel the need to talk to someone.
10. You may notice I didn't ready a heated pad or any heat source. I have a large pad that can be used for hot or cold that I keep in my freezer for sore muscles but I didn't even defrost it. While some people, actually it feels like everyone but me, find pain relief in hot baths or showers or heating pads during cramping and recommend those things for this, I don't find relief during my period and so I left that pad in the freezer.
It is now 12. It has been three hours since I took the first pill so I have at least 3 to go until I insert the four. I read that the first pill made women nauseous. I have not experienced anything that is noticeable. I was afraid I would be filled with fear or regret or anger (so far I have no negative emotions about anything except the father).
It's about 1:30, I was starting to feel like the wait was taking too long. I honestly considered just sticking them in early (as if the instructions are mere suggestions) then I regained my sanity. I took something to relax, turned on a new movie, and was able to relax a bit. I did, though, check my timers on my phone really often (the first one to take the painkiller 30 minutes prior to insertion per the instructions, the second to insert the four pills)
It's a little after 3 and I have just vaginally inserted the four pills. I took a painkiller almost exactly 30 minutes before I inserted the pills, per the instructions. I read that it can take as little as 20 minutes to start working. I also read it could take up to 24 hours. But, most likely it will take 1-2 hours, which, from my understanding, is the average.
It’s been an hour since insertion. I don’t feel anything but crazy full because I was so nervous that I couldn't stop eating. I’m basically stuffed more than if it was my second serving of dessert at Thanksgiving. (I don’t think the delicious vanilla candle that smells like cake is making me less hungry.) When I stretch, my stomach has that familiar sense of soreness that I have had in my stomach since sometime between 2-3 weeks. Basically, I’m an hour and a half into the four hour effectiveness since I took my painkiller (of which I only have 8) and I am really wishing I had saved it until I started to feel something. Then again, maybe it’s possible that it’s doing it’s job and that’s why I don’t feel anything? I don’t know when it will happen, but I have a stopwatch going so I'll be able to tell how long it takes for me to start to feel pain or bleed or something.
It's been 2 hours since insertion. In the past few minutes I have begun to notice some discomfort (not really pain yet) in my abdomen and it feels like period cramps. Actually, my worst cramps are right as I am getting my period (like a warning that I need to get a tampon) and the start of those cramps is what this feels like. I do feel bloated but I have eaten a lot today. But this really does feel like I am getting my period. Still, though, not a drop of blood.
It's 3.5 hours since insertion. I fell asleep and just woke up and I have begun to bleed. It's only been a minute or two but it's not a lot yet. My abdomen hurts like period cramps. I think the cramps are bad enough that they woke me up. I wish I had taken the first pain killer at the first signs of discomfort because then I might still be asleep.
It is now 8 hours after insertion and I am finally up and moving and able to type again. The diapers and pads were a lifesaver. About 4.5 hours after insertion, the pain was pretty severe when combined with the nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and cramps. Luckily, I had left the bottle of painkillers in the bathroom. Unluckily, I felt like I might vomit so I was afraid to take one that I would just vomit out until I knew I wouldn't vomit anymore. I found myself struggling to get from the floor to the toilet but I did. There were these feelings in my body, like warnings that gushes of blood were coming. And I would fight to get up and then a rush of blood would pour out. I felt two very large clots slide out and heard the plop and felt a splash once but when I looked down, it was just dark red. I flushed regularly, trying to monitor the blood and other things that came out of me but I was in so much pain and pretty, naturally, sedated, that I just wanted to get back to my pad and pillow on the floor as soon as I could. (I'm no doctor but I would say don't even think about drinking alcohol during this. If you can't take being so aware, double up on the painkiller dose once. Take some valium or other relaxant if you have it. OR just remember that this is the worst it can get and this is simply what you wanted. Getting what you want is good. You are safe. You are doing the right thing. You will be in much less pain soon enough. You'll be asleep soon. Everything is going to be okay in just a few hours.)
During that time on the bathroom floor, I didn't want to watch a movie or listen to music or anything. This was the kind of pain that makes you simply want to shut your brain down and try to ignore the sweating. I had no desire nor ability to even turn my phone on. I only wanted to lay on a pad on the bathroom floor, my head on a pillow. I only moved for three bouts of diarrhea which were pretty tame and didn't burn or anything because I had eaten a lot of fiber, a ton of pasta, and mashed potatoes. Oh, and one good vomiting session which, because of my food choice, came with no burning or even gross smell or taste at all. I did move, probably, two more times for heaving but, after the second time nothing came out, followed by two more struggles to get on the toilet for no reason, I was done making an effort to move. I then took a painkiller. Luckily, once my body was emptied and the painkiller kicked in, I was able to crawl into bed on top of a pad, feel myself bleeding, and not worry about waking up on wet sheets. I would say the sweaty, "kill me now part," lasted about 2-2.5 hours. Then I fell asleep and only woke because I had to pee...like regular pee. I am even capable of typing this, number 15. Now, though, it's back to bed.
It's been 17 hours since insertion, I managed to sleep most of the night and it is now morning. Last night was really not horrible but would have seemed impossible without the incontinence pull-ups and my large pads for the bed. I was crampy and uncomfortable, like bad period camps. I got up quite a few times during the night, including one time to eat, one time to drink, a few times to sit on the toilet where I felt my third big clot plop into the toilet (I looked and it really just looked like a dark red clot), and once because the pain had increased and woke me up so I took the third of my eight painkillers. Because of my pads, I could just curl up and go back to sleep. I never worried about leaks, even when the bleeding was crazy heavy, feeling like a 16 oz bottle of water was gently streaming into my pull-ups. While this may be a weird thing to say, as I sit on my sofa, still bleeding and crampy (totally tolerable) and a little disoriented (it's been a strange night), I can tell you that the pain I felt last night for those hours I described was bad. Like. Bad, bad. Like couldn't move because every movement hurt, silently trying to pretend I was sleeping, occasionally trying a new, horribly uncomfortable position, feeling cold sweat forming on my face, neck, and lower back, disoriented from the pain and, thankfully, from my own natural sedative. But, even after some pretty real suffering, being at home, by myself, still feels like the right choice for me.
Go with your gut. Instinctively, I knew this is how I wanted to go through this. People may want to "be there for you" but remind them that being there for you in the way YOU want them there is the only way to be there for you. If any day just needs to be about you, this would be that day. I didn't want an in office procedure. I don't like being vulnerable in that way or have foreign things stuck in my body. To me, this felt more natural, like I was having a miscarriage. My body, with some chemical inspiration (the pills), did all the work. As I feel myself bleeding some now, I am thinking back on the worst of the worst of yesterday, about five hours after insertion, when I was sweating in nothing but a t-shirt, lying on a giant incontinence pad on my bathroom floor, my head on a pillow, and, just like then, I have yet to have a single thought of regret about my decision to have an abortion, to have a medical abortion, and to spend the time alone, comforted by, what I thought was over prepping but, what turned out to be, everything I could want or need.
I'm now about 20 hours past insertion. Using adult pull ups were a genius choice. I can't imagine having had to try to stick pads on underwear through this. Instead, I simply got to slip off the the incontinence underwear, throw it out, and slip on a new pair. I'm still bleeding, my stomach is still sore, but I'm just hanging out on my sofa with my pull-ups on and an incontinence pad under me. having those two things made all the difference. You know how your body will wake you up at night during your period when you're leaking? I didn't have that natural concern on my brain which really allowed me to just relax and not worry and so I was able to sleep and be in whatever position or place I needed to be or wanted to be without any mess to clean up. I doubt I would be doing nearly as well (mood good, physically not in too much pain, more relaxed than I thought I would be, no mess of any kind to clean up) if I had woken up to a mess on me, the floor, my bed, or anywhere.
It's now been 24 hours. I have no way to describe how my body feels but "a little off" or "just kind of icky." I could easily get up, walk around, answer the phone, but I just feel a little off and icky. I am pretty lethargic but that's probably because I've done almost nothing but eat and sleep. The only time I get heartburn is when I eat an obscene amount of food. I have a little heartburn and I have eaten an obscene amount of food. I mean, I haven't eaten in quite a few hours and, while mashed potatoes are screaming at me from the refrigerator (I mean, who doesn't love fresh mashed potatoes), I am full enough that I don't think I could eat anything else.
I just checked my timer (it's the screen on my phone). It's been exactly 30 hours and 32 minutes since insertion. Something has happened. BRB. Okay. So I was right. I just went into the bathroom because, as I lounged on the sofa, I felt something very large come out of me. In no way was it uncomfortable or painful but it FELT huge. In reality, as I looked it it, it's more like 3x2x.5 inches and looked exactly like a blood clot. (If you have ever had a bad nose bleed, and you finally get it to stop, and then you blow your nose and some big, dark red clot falls out of your nostril, it looked like that.) I have to admit, unlike the others that fell out during the most painful time, into a toilet where I couldn't see, I did poke at this one. I don't know why. Many people have written to NEVER look. But I am not one of those people. I don't have a weak stomach. I would want to see whatever I could, but this was simply a squishy clot stuck to my pull-ups. I sat on the toilet for a minute. I peed, some blood came out with a few little blood looking things, and then I put on a new pair of pull-ups and went back to the sofa (where I am finishing this number 20).
It is now 41 hours since insertion. The clock has hit 8 am twice since insertion. It's about 8 am right now. You really should be on lockdown for the first 24 hours. I don't like to have gross bodily functions happen in front of other people. Also, I was fully prepared to just lie on the bathroom floor and be miserable for some period of time and so I wasn't in the least bit scared where anyone who hadn't researched all possible scenarios might have been. For me, it took about 4 hours to really feel the pain, 2-4 hours of the kind of pain that would have made it nearly impossible for me to comfort worried loved on who hadn't spent endless hours reading the different normal experiences, and a natural substance that I don't normally ever partake in but found to be my best friend. I didn't want anyone seeing me doing that or writhing in pain or pooping, or taking up room on the sofa, or just plain touching me. So, I chose to be alone. It was, and still is, the right choice for me. The second 24 hours has been a bit strange. I was hungry. I was bored. I was uncomfortable. I didn't feel like working (I can work from home) but I knew I really could have. I made sure to take a relaxant and just relax.
It is now 44 hours since insertion. I am starting to feel well enough to notice things. For example, my abdomen is swollen and obviously bloated which could be from the food or from the bleeding (I can get so bloated during my period that I can't button any of my pants). This is, of course, not the most comfortable thing but as long as I am not curled up, it's bearable. My breasts are sore to the touch, mostly on the outside, but they are more comfortable than they were a week ago when I only felt comfortable if I had a light (for yoga not running) sport's bra on. So...improvement. While I did sleep quite a bit, it was interrupted sleep, and the closer it gets to noon, the more I am feeling the fatigue and physical toll my body is paying from the past two days. I have bearable cramps in my abdomen like uncomfortable period cramps that cause bloating and backaches but don't get in your way if you have stuff to do. I have a headache from the soreness in my neck from putting myself in positions that made my abdomen the most comfortable but weren't great for my neck. My legs are sore from, literally, just lack of use. All these little things that bother me are signs that my brain doesn't feel the need to focus so much on my abdomen anymore. This is a good thing. Of course, all these things, when combined with feeling tired, only make me feel more like not moving. I'm lucky that I have that option. If I didn't, though, as I'm sure many women don't, I would be totally capable of having a full day. In fact, I'm bleeding less than a heavy period day so not even bleeding would be a problem.
It's 1:40pm and 46.5 hours since insertion. I haven't eaten yet today. I've had water and Gatorade. The cramps are still the same, with the occasional ping of pain. I'm not hungry and can't decide if it's because I'm just a little nauseated, which I am, or because I ate enough in the last 46 hours to sustain me for a week. I have found myself NOT regretting my decision but definitely regretting that I had to make it. It's not that I want to forget but I know this isn't something that I will ever want to talk about. It suddenly feels so personal that I wish nobody knew. Like it was this beautiful, scary, horribly painful, and short experience that is only mine. I was pregnant once and now I'm not. Everything that occurred from the day I knew until now is mine, for better or worse.
48 hours since insertion: I told myself that I would not stop describing this until I hit the 48 hour mark so that I may have some perspective and some tips for any other woman, who, like me, is reading this in an effort to get information, help them make a decision of what to do, how to do it, alleviate fear of the unknown by knowing as much as you can, etc. So, in no particular order, here it is:
1. When they say you should be able to function after 24 hours, they should really say 24 hours from the time the pills take effect. For me this was more like 2-4 hours after insertion. Really more like 3.5 hours from insertion.
2. I'm lucky that I had as much free time as I did because, even with all my planning, save the anxiety of waiting, I would have waited until I couldn't keep my eyes open, inserted the pills, when the first tinge of pain woke me, I would have taken my first painkiller and used some natural sedative, and tried to sleep as long as I could. Of course, I would have eventually ended up on the bathroom floor, but I would have been back in bed in time to take another painkiller, sleep any way I could, and hit the 24 hour mark at night, again, getting to sleep through the last hours of pain.
3. The adult incontinence pull-ups and the large incontinence pads are way better than any pad could have ever been.
4. I was absolutely right to eat starchy, plain food and drink plenty of fluids. My puke and diarrhea didn't burn. In fact, my diarrhea wasn't even gross liquid but more just like a stream of soft brown poop, like the consistency of soft serve. I didn't suffer from the normal dehydration that would normally come with sweating and throwing up and lots of soft pooping.
5. Spreading out supplies around made the whole thing easier. I didn't have to ever go more than a few feet for a drink or a new pull-up or anything. I also never had to look for a blanket or pillow.
6. I kept the air-conditioning at 70 which, for me, is cold. At least in my experience, pain can make me hot and cold. I could always add covers when I got cold but there were times when getting up to adjust the temperature again and again would have been really hard and frustrating.
7. The pain is real. Your uterus is contracting. Think of it like giving a pregnant woman pitocin to induce labor. Everything I have seen, read, or heard from people who have had pitocin to speed up labor describes a serious increase in pain. This is not giving birth and I wouldn't describe it as that kind of pain or experience but your uterus IS forcibly emptying.
8. DON'T LOOK BACK. In the throws of pain, it's only natural to think "what if" or "why me" or "maybe I should have done this differently" but there is no point. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL and focus on the fact that the extreme pain won't last long. It will end, sooner than you think, and then you will be able to get in your comfortable place and sleep or wait it out or both.
9. DO NOT LET ANYONE TRY TO PUNISH YOU, ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE OR DURING YOUR EXPERIENCE. This is not the time to linger in anger or blame or fault. You will be experiencing something that will be unique to you. Yes, there will be similarities to the experiences you have read but this is your experience so just focus on getting through it. This is a time to be selfish. For example, my ex asked (through email) that I unblock him so he could "at least know how I was doing." That was a mistake. He was angry and cruel and said horrible things and then said things that, I think, were meant to make me change my mind. Lucky for me, he didn't listen when I told him what and how and when this was happening. So, his efforts to pressure me or make me feel like I was weak, including betting me that I wouldn't go through with it, were all moot. In fact, I didn't even realize he didn't know I had already started the process until he asked me what time the procedure was in the midst of rambling text messages. I just stopped reading them and re-blocked him. I also routed all his emails directly to trash. I mean, I know you can't choose who you love...but lucky for me I can choose who can communicate with me. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they aren't completely horrible and destructive to you and your life and should remain as far away from you as possible. I am also lucky that I was very secure in my decision. If you have anyone in your phone who you think would try to talk you out of it or make you feel bad, BLOCK THEM. Block their calls, texts, emails, social media, anything. If you can't block them all, just turn your phone on silent and close your email and don't look at any social media. The phone will be there if you need to make a call. THIS IS ABOUT YOU.
10. As much as you might think so, you were never having a baby. You don't have the right to hurt yourself or punish yourself or make yourself feel guilty. I was afraid I would mourn the loss of what could have been. But, now that I am 48+ hours since insertion, I have none of those feelings because THIS IS WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN. THIS IS THE ONLY RIGHT THING. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BE. THIS IS ALL THERE WAS EVER GOING TO BE. THIS IS WHAT IS.
11. It is totally normal to have a printout of the sonogram from your initial consult. When I asked for mine, I also asked if that was common. The nurse said it was actually more common than not. Don't be afraid to ask for that if you want it. I don't regret my decision at all but I also like that I have that picture. I don't know why but it doesn't matter why. I don't have to know but that I have it because I wanted it. If one day I don't want it, I can just throw it away.
12. If you are sitting at home or work or anywhere, dreading inserting the four pills, afraid or having second thoughts, that's not the real you. That's just fear of the unknown and anxiety talking. YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN THE FIRST PILL IF YOU WEREN'T SURE. The first pill stops the development of the pregnancy. It's done. You did it already. These four little pills are necessary to make sure you don't end up having your uterus scraped or in an emergency room with an infection, or any number of horrible things. Think of the first pill like a car accident, but in a good way. Think about it, the actual car accident itself is a no-brainer. I mean, the doctor handed me the first pill and the antibiotic along with a cup of filtered water. I did nothing. It took 2 seconds. It's after the car accident that is really painful; that's when you deal with insurance and find out that it was only adrenaline keeping your neck from feeling the effects of whiplash, and then there is car repairs and rental cars and making it to work and, of course, even if the accident was in no way your fault, the inevitability of the threat of a lawsuit by the driver that hit you, or of a car your car was flung into (depending on the type of accident), or just any as****e who thinks they might be able to get some money from you or your insurance company. The accident itself was over in a second or two. Dealing with all the c**p afterwords, the stuff that sucks and takes a while, like phone calls and forms and all that, well that's the four pills. I mean, if you do nothing after a car accident, the repercussions are HUGE. If you simply go through the process, your car will get fixed, and soon your life will get back to normal. Right now, if I wanted to simply resume my normal day to day, the only thing that would be different is that I'd have to take out three trash bags instead of one.
13. Buy two packs of adult, extra absorbent pull-ups. They can hold a lot. Trust me. Before I even had my first appointment, I tested one. I drank and drank and drank and then, with the pull-up on, sat on the toilet and held it until it was painful and only then did I pee. I peed so much that when I stood up, the pull-up was being pulled down by the weight of it. But guess what? Not a drop, a drip, a leak, nothing. I knew if it could handle that, it could handle even the most blood I read a woman describe. And they did! But, I did change them often. Why? Because once I pulled them off or down, it was just easier. It felt fresher and they weren't heavy with blood or simply a little stretched out or warm or anything I may not have liked. Honestly, now that I have tried them, I may use my left overs on my super crampy heavy period days when I'm at home. They are comfortable, don't put any pressure on my abdomen at all, absorbent, and totally disposable. As of now, I am hardly bleeding but when I peed a few minutes ago, I put a fresh pair on. The convenience can not be beat!
14. Buy only one pack of large, extra absorbent incontinence pads. First, I should tell you that they are actually very soft and quiet. I was expecting to feel like I was sleeping on a puppy pee pad and hear crinkling every time I moved. Not true. And, since they are there just in case, a little blood is no reason to get a new one. For example, I am a small person. I comfortably wear a size 26 in jeans. So, while testing my pull-ups, I did notice that, even though I got the smallest size, they could easily fit a much bigger, taller person. I was afraid that if I was on my side, that I could move and cause a gap between the pull-up and my leg. This did happen. But, even so, they did their job and the only evidence was a few small smudges of blood on my pad on my bed. I saw them and felt them and they were dry. I had no desire to unpin and re-pin. If you know you would want a fresh one, then just stack 3-4 and pin all of them to your sheet with one safety pin in each corner. That way, you can just cut or rip off the top one (they are easy to tear), put it in the trash, and lay back down. I think I used 4. I never changed the one on my bed or my sofa and I think I replaced the one on my bathroom floor only once but that was because I had decided to simply go bottomless for a while during the hour or two when I was in the most pain while also constantly going from the floor to the toilet and back. It was just easier for me that way.
15. Trash bags should be in every place you will be. I was able to pull off one pair of the underwear, throw it away, and put on another pair without getting out of bed. In fact, I could have peed in a pair if I couldn't or didn't want to get up and thrown it away and put on a new pair from bed. (I didn't, but I could have.) You also can throw away anything else that may be annoying to you as you pass the time: empty food wrappers, paper plates, empty water bottles, or whatever. After this last 48 hours, the last thing I want to do is walk around picking up the remnants of the last 48 hours. I would be walking through a sea of empty water and Gatorade bottles, paper bowls and spoons, pull-ups...no thank you. Are there a couple bottles around? Yep. I saw one next to my bed and on the floor in front of my sofa. But, considering how many I drank, and the fact that, once empty, they tend to get knocked on the floor easily anyway, having a water bottle or two on the floor is pretty normal for me.
16. Don't waste your painkillers. The time to take them is really: #1 when you start to feel something resembling pain or discomfort in your abdomen, #2 (and maybe #3 an hour later) when you are in the "holy sh*t this hurts" phase of the day, my #3 (or maybe your #4) when the "holy sh*t this hurts" phase has ended and you have entered the "it still really hurts so please just let me sleep now" phase. And then, leave the 4-5 (depending) remaining pills for not just pure, physical pain but the all encompassing misery that comes from being tired but not sleepy because you haven't moved and yes, you don't NEED a painkiller because you've white knuckled cramps in the fetal position for years that feel worse than this while answering work emails on your phone BUT popping a pill will make you feel better. I took one about a half an hour ago. Was I curled up in pain? No. Was I uncomfortable in every way? Yes. I was and I am. I just put my body and my brain through some serious crazy. In the very least, I've been taking off and putting on covers/blankets for almost 2 days straight. Even with the painkiller, my abdomen still feels uncomfortable. But then again, I've always said that about painkillers. At least in my experience, painkillers don't alleviate pain nearly as much as they make me care a little less that I am in pain.
17. If you are planning on being alone, DO NOT GET IN THE BATH. Women all over the internet talk about the benefits of getting in a warm bath but, even if that was the kind of thing I thought would help, I would never have done it. Why? Because I was in pain, exhausted, on painkillers, and alone. Seriously, I didn't think one could fall asleep on the floor in the midst of the holy sh*t hours but I DID MORE THAN ONCE! What if I had fallen asleep in the bathtub? It's not worth it.
18. This changes nothing. If your relationship lasts through this, it was going to last anyway, if it doesn't, it wasn't. If he became an as****e and blamed you for this, he's still an as****e so stay away from him. If you always wanted kids, have some. Remember? You were never having a baby. You'll know when you are having a baby and it won't be anything like this. If you don't want anyone to know, don't tell them. They can't see it on your face and it's none of anyone's business. And, unless this was the product of an unwanted act perpetrated upon you (I call it rape, yes, even if he took off the condom mid act without telling you, to me, you didn't consent to that so I call it rape) then this is nobody's fault. It doesn't matter if you experienced birth control failure, a drunk night of forgetting birth control, a one night stand, you have a child or children already and didn't want anymore, or you thought that if you got pregnant then it was meant to be and then it wasn't, or any other way. The pregnancy and abortion are both void of any fault. The actions that led to the pregnancy and abortion may be someone's fault. But there is no place for blame her and now. This may have been exactly what you needed to get out of an abusive relationship or find out the person you were with didn't want a future with you. This may bring you and your partner closer together. This may show you just how strong you are. This may finally cement that it is your body and what you do with it is entirely and only your right to decide. But, really, you are the same person you were before the stick turned blue and before you decided not to keep it. So if you were an honest, genuine, good person, you still are. If you were healthy, active, funny, independent, guess what? you still are. And, for some of you, I hate to say it but if you were an as****e, you still are. I had food poisoning once that left me literally having to sit on a toilet with a bucket in my lap, take naps on the floor, and then get right back on that throne, for like 36 hours. It was the most disgusting kind of smells and burning and vomiting out of my nose, liquid c**p splashing back on me as it burned on it's way out, that I have ever experienced. But when it was over, I didn't suddenly appreciate every meal, I didn't become extra thankful for a day without putridness coming out of me. I just got better and went back to my life. If you didn't think you could get pregnant, well, now you know so find a birth control method. If you had a birth control failure, well, find out how and why because I'm betting that, at least statistically, there is like a zero chance of it happening with the same method twice (that's just math, in reality it can). Or maybe there was no way to prevent anything. It's okay. Nobody's life plan includes having an abortion - it's never on anyone's list of "things I want to do before (enter some life event, age, or other like thing here)." Then again, nobody ever puts car accidents, broken bones, broken hearts, food poisoning, or the flu on one of those lists either. And yet, they happen. Control what you can, deal with what you can't. You couldn't control this, for whatever reason, so you're dealing with it in the best way you can. I expect the most out of myself. I expect that I do the right thing, to the best of my ability, everyday. Do I always? No. Will anyone? No. But I'm only disappointed in myself when I don't try. This abortion is me trying to do what's right and what is best. Despite all the fears and horror stories and wishing everything was different, I stuck to my gut and my gut said this was the right thing and I did it. Not only am I not disappointed in myself, I'm proud of myself for doing what I believed was right.
19. You don't have to care. Don't re-watch those documentaries about the crazy people who call what you want to do/are doing/are about to do "murdering babies." You aren't. It's not a baby. You don't have to care that you don't want it and you don't have to care or be worried if you don't feel bad about your choice. You aren't a heartless monster or perpetuating some sort of agenda that only the alt right knows about but won't tell us but we are apparently the ones actively and knowingly furthering it...I know, it makes sense to no one but, like, skin heads and other similarly open minded, tolerant groups. There is no religion, if you are a practicing member of one, that doesn't offer forgiveness for ANY act, I promise, LOOK IN THE BOOK, don't listen to someone else's misunderstood interpretation of your God, just READ THE BOOK, read scholarly works, read anything that doesn't have an agenda and you will see that I'm right. You don't have to feel shame or remorse or anything at all and that's okay. You were never having a baby, remember? Never. You don't have to care.
20. If you belong to a group that is openly against abortion, I hate to say that you should be a hypocrite, but go ahead. Don't tell anyone, just do it, and go back to your group. Maybe you are against abortion for every reason but yours. Maybe this is one of those rare exceptions. I don't expect you to change your views about anything because I haven't changed mine. For example, I am 100% against the death penalty, mostly because it costs the government millions a year to house one death row inmate between the special living quarters, the Court costs, attorney fees, the constant need for extra security every time a group decides to protest, and also because any case that was decided before DNA, especially if the person sentenced to death is a black male, I don't necessarily trust. But, when I watch the news and someone is convicted of rape and murder of children, of babies? All the sudden I think that person doesn't deserve to breath. So yeah, there's always exceptions. Besides, there's a small chance you could decide that calling women, like yourself, hell-bound murderers isn't the best idea. But, like I mentioned earlier, you will be the same person after as you were before. You're having an abortion, not growing a conscience. And besides, those people may be your only friends. You may feel down, you may need a few fun nights at the movies or a mani/pedi and those are your people. A consequence of abortion should never be isolation. This is not a decision to be made by vote. DO NOT get as many people's opinions as possible about what is right for you. You will know.

Okay, so there it is. It's now 6:30 pm and it's been 51 hours and 23 minutes since insertion. I am not sad. I have been alone the entire time. I am in minor pain, better described as discomfort, like cramps that can be mostly ignored if you are focused on something else. I have no regrets about my decision. I have regrets about a lot of things that led up to the abortion but NOT the abortion. I'm sure it's possible that I could get angry or sad or any number of emotions, especially considering the hormone rollercoaster I've been on BUT I really just feel relieved. I feel relieved that it's over. I feel relieved that I had the courage to stick to my decision, one made after careful contemplation and a continued belief that it was the only right decision to make. Have I already thought that I may have gained five pounds in two days. Yes. Do I plan on dieting tomorrow? Nope. I plan on doing nothing until I have to be in my office tomorrow. I plan on being hungry (or at least not feeling full) so I can enjoy some more Mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. I plan on being proud. Am I mourning the relationship I thought I had with the person I thought I was in it with? Yes. But I know I am mourning the loss of what I thought I had and what I wanted it to be WAY MORE than I am mourning the actual relationship or person.

I hope this helps someone. I hope this provided some useful tips, alleviated some fears or filled in some unknowns. As I get back to my normal routine, I will check back in on this post from time to time and try to answer any questions anyone has. Whatever your circumstance or decision is, you will know if it's right for you. My love and support goes out to all women, no matter the circumstance, who had no plans to get pregnant and yet, they are reading this now because they know what they want, are trying to decide how, or don't know what they want and just want some information or some sort of sign from the universe. You can be your own sign. You are the only one that knows what's best for you. You don't need anyone else to sway you in any direction.

Just like the nurse at Planned Parenthood told me (after some discussion): "Well, of course if you don't want to have it, that's totally cool and we are here for you. If you change your mind and want to have it, we got you covered then too. Just remember that you can't do the pill if you are more than 10 weeks along. And, oh, before I forget, I know you are having any nausea yet, but you might be feeling it soon, just warning you. But, no matter what, we are here for you, no matter your choice, if you just need to talk, we're here."

In this context, the "we" the nurse was quoted as saying has become all women on these forums, every trusted supportive lover or friend or family member. The "we" is every person who has ever fought to give people this choice. Because that's all "we" are here for, to support you in your choice. "We" are not here to tell you what to do or Judge you. And "we" are also here to tell you that the nausea can be real so just prepare yourself for that, no matter what your decision was/is/will be.