Hi have posted this but it didn't link to my account so I am re-posting.
Okay this is really hard to explain. I am not at all shy or hiding in the back round if that makes any sense. I feel anxious almost all the time. I start to think (deep) about whatever then I feel myself fade, I turn all hot and feel like I am fading away. I am really scared because it just wont go away. I wake up in the morning but I don't feel 100% awake and if I think about that I am awake but don't feel it, then I get freaked out and the fading into some weird daze comes on until I calm down and stop thinking. I can look at someone say at the store with their kids and wonder if their life is better and what they do or how they love and then the bizarre daze state starts. I am really scared. I can not go to the doctors yet, as my insurance hasn't kicked in. I am always fidgeting. I over analyze EVERYTHING! If I don't think about it the attack does not happen but as soon as I do then it comes on and I feel separated from myself with thoughts that just don't make sense. Sometimes if I am thinking say for instance about what I am writing a thought will enter my messed up brain and it brings me to this weird deshavu sort of feeling. I am on high blood pressure medicine so I don't really get the fast heartbeat and the rapidness feeling but I can feel the anxiousness, it actually never leaves. I like I said I am not shy, I am not in your face either. Here is a recent example of some of what is going on with me. My husband and I have not gotten along for quite some time, he is in jail at the moment for some issues dealing with my young daughter. My daughter's dad called the police and I have a TPO on my husband to even cover a year from the 17th of this month. I have had not contact as of course the TPO does not allow however my husband has spoken with a neighbor and I have heard that he blames me and he says he didn't do anything to he knows he messed up and has lost me forever bla bla bla. I just recently went back to work and took a huge pay cut but can still afford my bills. I was fired from a job I love more then anything except my kids ;) I was at this job for 5 and 1/2 years and a new Administrator let me go because she did not like me and we did not see eye to eye. I have NEVER been fired in my life, as I write this I can feel the anxiety and I am now crying and I am not sure why except losing my job was very traumatic but it is what it is and like I said I am working in the same field as an Assistant instead of a Director but I am glad for that since now I don't have to take work home and can spend time with my young daughter. I am going to be 47 and that freaks me a little since we can't turn back time. I feel like I am going crazy, I feel like I am slipping into not a real person. I sometimes think about things that I did in the past or places and I get this weird tingle and a skippage feeling I feel sometimes like my brain is just going to un-spin (twing,twang,blangie, blang) like unravel. I am so scared I don't know what is wrong with me. I was recently in the hospital I thought I was having a heart attack so I had many tests and they all came back normal. I ended up having uncontrolled high blood pressure but they adjusted my medication and said I actually have the body and heart of a 30 year old. Lie I said I am not shy but I find myself getting super anxious or scared because I have to go to the store or library or work but then once I am there it is fine. PLEASE!!! Someone help me.
Firstly I am not a medical professional so can only offer you an opinion, which when talking about the symptoms you have could mean I am way way of the mark, so please dont take it as fact, you need to see a Dr when you are able to, I dont know how it works in the US but surely insurance or not if you are suffering there has to be a way to see the Dr and pay it off in bits, again I dont know if it's possible but here we have to pay to see a Dr mine knows I'm poor as fek so charges me the bare minimum and even then I pay only when I can, sure I get the 7 day reminders...which get kicked under the sofa and I'll drop in £5 to keep them quiet another month lol as your health is so important and with many things the sooner they are treated the less severe they become.
With that out the way I think it's safe to say you have some form of severe anxiety and possibly panic attacks along with this. Even depression can cause you to feel super anxious and detached There are various levels and types of these issues and I really cant say what your specific issue is but it sounds like your on the verge of having a breakdown as your getting so worked up. Something else I thought of, as you were explaining you feel like your slipping into the background so to speak is a personality disorder often brought on by very stressful events, such as you have explained in your post. I can only link you to NHS or wiki without the link being removed so you may want to look this up further yourself, it's called 'depersonalization disorder' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder or the NHS have more reliable info about panic disorders http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Panic-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx . I'm sorry I can't help you more I'm just know knowledgeable enough to say what may be the cause, but I saw your post and didn't want it to go unanswered. I really do feel your best option is to get to a Dr when you are able and be assessed properly.
I hope this is of some help<3
First off I am really sorry to hear about all that you have been through and what you are going through at the moment. I have personally experienced some of what you are feeling so I can empathise. I think a lot of what violet cherry has said is right on the money. And like her I am not a mental health professional so this is just my knowledgeable lay person's opinion.
It sounds like you are experiencing an anxiety disorder. It is unlikely that you have a personality disorder. They tend to develop much younger in life and tend to be pervasive unless treated. What you describe sounds like depersonalisation (as Violiet Cherry mentioned above) and derealisation They tend to occur together. Depersonalisation is a feeling of separation from your body, feeling unstable in yourself. Derealisation is feeling separated from reality. For me it felt like living life behind a screen or living in a bubble. Like life was going on around me but I wasn't a part of it. Anxiety would bring on these feelings. It tends to happen when overwhelmed and is the mind's defense mechanism when things get too much. Also, I am not sure if this will apply to you but if you have experienced domestic violence, be it a physically, emotionally, financially or socially controlling relationship you may have complex PTSD. Anxiety, depersonalisation and derealisation are signs of that. There are excellent resources if you google helpguide.
It is really important that you get help from a very skilled therapist, preferably one who works from a trauma informed perspective. Of course that seems impossible at the moment with your insurance situation. I am not sue what the system is like in the US. We have largely free health care here. But can you access any free or low cost community based services, both for you and perhaps for your daughter too? If you were to phone a women's helpline or domestic violence helpline they should be able to point you in the right direction. Or is there a support group in your area? For anxiety and/or depression (they often occur together), or for women experiencing what you have been through? These are not a substitute for therapy but might be helpful until your insurance kicks in and possibly after so you don't feel so alone. Also, do you have a trusted person you can confide in about what is going on? A sister, friend, parent? It has to be someone you really trust. If you do you will feel less alone and hopefully a little less scared. If not, that's where a support group could help. Also, in terms of self care, exercise and mindfulness meditation are very helpful for anxiety, although of course as a simple mum (I'm one too) there is probably not much time left in the day. But if you can find the time they can be immensely helpful. So too can journalling, although if you have been through severe trauma you may feel safer doing that with the support of a therapist.
From my own perspective, therapy was a lifesaver. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and had complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I was experiencing a lot of the things you are at the moment. Therapy has changed everything, from how I feel about myself to the way I interact in the world. I no longer have panic attacks or depersonalisation/derealisation attacks. I hope you are able to get help. The right therapist can make such a difference. In the meantime I hope you find some solace through other means mentioned above. And perhaps just taking time out with friends to do things that make you laugh, watching a funny movie, reading a good book. Please remember this is all general. I am not a therapist.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best. Things can get better, much better. It may take time but if you can get some support things will feel so much more manageable. Take care