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I am 16. For the longest time, I thought that all teenagers functioned the way I do.. I guess it wasn't until recently that I decided that something was very different between others and myself..

A lot of things happened during my childhood and especially my 8th and 9th grade years of school. I used to have panic attacks at least four times a week back in 9th grade. Panic attacks are so scary. I hated myself for having them. I hated crying. I hated shivering & shaking. I hated gagging. I hated gasping for air. I hated feeling hopeless. But most of all, I hated how often it happened to me. Every time it happened, I would hide in my closet and cry as quietly as I could because I hated it when people saw me so weak..

I started cutting back in 8th grade.. And I've never really stopped-just spaced out how often I do it (I haven't done it for a while now). The physical pain of cutting myself made it easier to bare the emotional experiences I went through.

Towards the end of 9th grade, I got into the "rave scene". You know, flashing lights, blaring techno, drugs, yeah, that scene. I was sad and started taking ecstasy because it made me not care about my problems, it made me feel good about myself and I absolutely loved it. At first, it was a once in a while kind of thing, but during my 10th grade school year, it got really bad... I started doing it every single weekend. I even came home on acid/lsd one school night after drinking alcohol two days before on a Sunday (I was hungover at school). Every time I sobered up, I would fall apart; I was ashamed at myself for falling so low. The more I thought about how much I had fallen, the sadder I got, the more I did it; it was a bad cycle to be in at such a young age..

Eventually, after so many unsober weekends and week days, my mind and body could no longer handle the drugs. After every time I took ecstasy, I completely fell apart; I had a few panic attacks, I would cry for hours, and I would sit there and hate myself for being so stupid. That's when I decided to stop. After a rave, I came home and had the worst come down in my entire life. See, I found out that the boy I really liked started going out with my best friend, even though he said he wanted me (he basically used me. Read my other posts to learn details about him). Anyway, I cried for hours and hours, I got really sick, and I couldn't function or think or anything for a week after that.

I stopped taking all drugs after May 31st, 2008.

When you're on drugs for as long as I was, it feels like a cloud in my head. Like, I can't explain it.. When I was constantly on ecstasy, my judgement was off, I couldn't think for myself, I would space out, just, ugh, it was horrible! The good feeling of the drug cannot outweigh the consequences you have to live with for the rest of your life.. I learned that the hard way.

(I digressed a little too much, please excuse me)

I am EXTREMELY moody-have been ever since before the drugs. Something as little as an unkind gesture, or small comment can totally piss me off/make me break down into tears. I go from excited to mad to sad to numb to okay to happy to mad to whatever, in just hours, maybe even minutes. I have trouble concentrating sometimes-during the school year, I had to study and do homework at a certain place at a certain time in the day because I knew when my concentration failed.. Sometimes, I blackout things (like, the other day when I was sitting in my friend's car. I had my cell phone in my hand and I guess I left it in the seat when I left the car.. I went looking for it EVERYWHERE, not remembering the last time I had it or where I just was with it. [It's so hard to explain] I just, I don't remember bringing it into the car, AT ALL. I remember it being on the hood of the car while I sat there...I don't know.

1) I have a very low self-asteem
2) Movies, songs, or anything like that can change my mood DRASTICALLY.
3) I have trouble concentrating.
4) I have severe trust issues.
5) Sometimes I think I have two personalities; here's the best way I can explain myself...

ONE ME= extroverted, open, dominant, witty, ect.
THE OTHER: Introverted, shy, quiet, ect.

It sounds weird, I know, but, you know, I don't know.

What is wrong with me?
Or is there anything wrong with me?

I've seen a child counselor or whatever during the summer last year, but I didn't open up to them, AT ALL. I have trouble expressing myself-hence the reason I do it anonymously on the internet. No one knows how much I struggled when I did drugs because I acted like everything was fine, as I do now with my extreme mood problem.



PS. Sorry for making it so unorganized and kind of confusing- I'm a bit discontent and I'm running on minimum sleep hours..


Hi -
I know your email is a post from awhile back...but tonight I read it and became all to familiar with what you wrote.
I feel exactly how you did in your post and wonder how you are now.
Hope all is well,


Sounds like you have (or had?) a mood swing disorder. There is treatment available from a psychiatrist such as medication or cognitive behaviour therapy, plus self help books in the library, also, mindfulness meditation is very helpful, there are courses you can do online. Good luck!


I am the same way except I never did drugs but I use to cut. I need help too...