Sudden thoughts am I a lesbian? But I love my boyfriend

Can someone please help me. I have been with my boyfriend almost two years now I'm 20 and we first started being with each other everyday however he got a new job and now I only see him at weekends. Since the whole long distance thing has happened I suddenly got this random thought like am I a lesbian? I spend literally every hour of the day researching articles replaying my childlife and keep questioning whether I or not. It's driving me crazy and I often keep crying and get a sick feeling in my stomach the thought of being with a woman sickens me but for some reason reading some articles makes me Lubricated? I don't know why an then now sometimes i masterbate but it's not to thoughts of women it's because I read articles that often describe people watching porn from Hocd and that's what makes me do it however I feel so doscusted and dirty after. Here's some back ground info my cousin used to make me do things with her when I was younger (she was a girl) then I wondered if this was what young girls should be doing I was about four/five at the time and she always used to say to me if I didn't do it she would tell everyone and I couldn't be friends with her anymore. She used to make me take my clothes off and rub herself against me it's sickening as I'm writing this actually replaying it back in my head. I also recall another one of my mums friends daughters touching me too. Then I started to get depressed and upset thinking is this what young girls should be doing it, it made me insecure and unable to form close friendships with girls especially throughout primary and secondary school I was sceared if I got to close to them they would do the same to me. When I was eleven was when I started to fully experiment with myself I would makey bratz n barbie dolls have sex often feeling arpused I would then rub myself on them but feel so guilty afterwards (I'm sorry for this story but yes I need to tell so you get a full idea) then I thought Is this what lesbians do? I got so upset thinking maybe it's because I'm a lesbian that I want to make my barbies have sex I thought also masterbating alone was what lesbians do. But I've only fancied men I had crushes on boys when I was in primary school and I've had three boyfriends I never look at girls and think oh I wanna kiss her it's always like I wish I had her hair etc. but for some reason I have had this problem of going red since I was in year 10/11 and whenever people would talk about sex or sexuality it would set me off .However I go to uni in a very open gay community but I'm comfortable speaking about sex however not about lesbians whenever my boyfriend brigs it up I go red and I never use to think much of it that maybe I was just innocent. However I was bored one day a researched it on the net and aparrently it's before you are 'coming out' you get embarrssed. I was like what the hell!! How can I be this it doesn't make sense I never Even watch porn or anything I have a healthy sex life I was then starting to question my sexuality. I started to research articles and then even tried watching porn both types straight and lesbian porn both turn me on which confused me and then I used to revert back to my childhood when I played with my barbies and that made me wet I got so upset and broke down and cried I'm confused?? Is the barbie thing just a fantasy? As the thought of beig with women makes me feel ill although I always feel Uncomfortable changing around other girls but that's because when I was 16/19i had bad anorexia and I don't like others not even my nan or mum to see my body. I have a councellor this week that I can speak to but I researched hocd and I'm sure I have that?? Because a lot of it is not matching up like I don't have crushes on girls or wanna be with them I love my boyfriend so much and the thought of not being with him makes me feel so upset and sickened to my stomach.