For those "Afraid" that they are gay/lesbian. You're NOT! Read here (From a lesbian).

thank you! this post has cleared my mind! I am STRAIGHT!!! The way I wanted to be!!!

How do I understand wether I am afraid of the thoughts not because I have certain beliefs but because I really don't like them? besides I was always keen to like boys, I mean i've always thought I would've ended up with a guy not a girl, it didn't even cross my mind, but until 15 years old I almost never allowed myself to say that I liked someone so I would always deny that I liked certain boys around female friends, (eventhough I found an old diary I wrote when I was 9 or so, and I talked about this boy I liked, I remembered I did but I didn't know If it was true or not, if I wrote, I guess i believed it) when I was 15 my step sister came out andi t was a shock, I started worrying that i could become one too or that people would think that of me because I never said "that boy is cute " or "i want a boyfriend". I remember liking several tv stars (musicians, singers, actors) and never feeling attracted to a girl. But then every once in a while after my sister told us I started feling unconfortable by looking at a pretty girl on tv because it was like I feared that people thought I was looking at her because I was lesbian, so it became an obsession slowly, I used to feel more and more uncofortable around my female firends, they used to call me and each other "honey, sweetheart" (in italian) and I felt unconfortable by doing so.

Then I started to shrug away those fears (I need to specify the fact that I never really believed any of that was true, it was something sily that made me a little anxious since I suffer from GAD and left be with some doubts but I've never really thought there was a chance that I was a lesbian) . But since I am forced to witness my sister and her girlfriend on sunday, i started to become anxious about the fact that if my friends found out they would've thought bad things about me and stuff like that, besides I started worrying that I had never had a boyfriend and that I must be "weird" because of that. Then last semptember after a very stressful summer  (my cats died and she basically was my entire world, my life, my best friend, my everything, she was more than a daughter to me I still cry every time I mention her, she was 19 and I am 20 so we grew up together , she used to sleep with me she was my shadow , she was and still is a part of me and when she died I was broken, than I had some symptoms of ovarian diseas like cancer or something like that and though the gynechologist old me there was nothing wrong with me i couldn't stop being afraid and I obsessed over it, then in september while I was still scared about the possibility of diseases I started worrying that my fears of being lesbian could be real, from then it's been real nightmare, it's like I am not attracted to any guy I meet, there was a boy I liked more than others in my university but now im afraid I was just pretending. I am so messed up, I've alreadt thought of killing myself too many times for a 20 yers old. I am young and healthy (except for ocd) and I want to grow up and be emotionally mature to be on my own as my sister (my other sister, who's hetero) does. she just moved in with her bf and I envy her so much, but still wehn I think about it my mind tells me "you would never want to be alone with a guy its too scary, what would you talk about , what would you do?" I never used to think lke that. My therapist says its ocd and I need to work on my emotion and try to be around people more, but the more I am around people the more I obsess over every guy I meet, and check if I am attracted to them enough or check if I like a girl and see if I am attracted to her, and most of the times when I see a good lookingguy I feel "hes' cute" I like how they smile and I like to look into their eyes for example, but I can  ignore those thoughts and go on, while when I see a good looking girl I start being anxious, and then I can't let go of it, because it's like I LIKE everything about her, the way she moves, the way she talks, the way she smiles, and it's f*****g idiotic because I never noticed those kinds of things, I mean if I think of an actor I really like (right now it's a british actor named Bradley James) I feel my stomach twisting and I feel butterflies because he is soo cute and his eyes and his smile jut make me numb... :)) but then I think of a pretty girl and start feeling anxious and scared like hell, and my mind in horror keeps saying "you like her better" and maybe it is right, girls are prettier than boys but I don't feel emotions towards them, I am sure I never did!! there are moments when I am in peace and I can easily feel that I do want to be with a guy and I cherish those moments like gold... then few minutes later I am in hell again. Please help!!! :(((

I have no addiction to porn by the way, I used to watch some "hot" scenes but only from movies because I didn't like real porn and it was always straight porn and it had to be a "story" behind it otherwise it would've felt weird to me to masturbate to it... so I don't know what I am doing here.. i've never watched lesbian portn and I don't want to, I was never even curious now I kind of "would like" to try but only to check if I am properly "disgusted" by it but I was told not to, so I am not going to. 

what can I do?! can somebody help me? please ... I really feel like there is nothing left to do but just one thing , and it scares me like hell because If I died I would destroy my parents and my family and I don't want to!! I feel like dying  would be the best thing for me , but I can't do thhis to them!!