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I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.  Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. (I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it at all) I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get turned on, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I do remember being very excited when making a new female friend but I honestly always believed that it was because I was very insecure and shy and I didn't have a lot of friends. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it, I even wake up in a panic and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. My boyfriend says that I sound just like I always do when I am in an OCD "episode," as he calls them. He also has anxiety and usually can calm me down but I feel like he just wants me to be straight so he is trying to rationalize it all but I just go back to my same thoughts.. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, noticing girls (always assumed it was admiration, not sexual desire) etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??  P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?  P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community. I would volunteer at Gay Pride events, never thinking anything of it. I would always get so excited for a friend when they decided to come out. I just never thought that it was me. 


HI I've been a lesbian all my life and I always thought of that I've never had a crush on a guy. But if it happened to you when you were 8 then it gets bigger every week. You just don't know it. Most lesbians are lesbians because they like the feeling of a women's body parts I've felt some in my life. I wish I could have a lesbian friend too. I've always wished of that. Whatever is happening to you is happening to me. 

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