I'm pretty confident I have tendencies of Avoidant PD/social anxiety, Schizoid PD, and Borderline PD, and maybe even a smidgen of Asperger's. I already know I have depression and ADD.
I'm an 18 year old male and basically, I feel like I have no emotions. I have no idea who I am, what I want, what to do. I'm completely lost.
My mind is always blank, I can't think. I have to force myself to think sometimes and that's very difficult. Nothing I'm thinking is clear, it's just dull and slow. My mind is constantly in a fog. What's weird is I can think ABOUT things, but not THINK. (Does that make any sense?) What I mean is, I can visualize, in a way, something that has happened or may happen, something that was in a movie and so on.
Side-note: I've always heard people use the saying "I can't hear myself think" when the noise in the back ground is too loud. I can never "hear myself think". I wonder: is "hearing yourself think" a literal term? Does anybody hear their voice in their head while thinking? Because I don't.
I struggle while I'm reading as well. My eyes always skip ahead and just skim what I'm reading, even if it's something I'm interested in (which isn't much).
I have no motivation to do anything. I hate my life and everything going on in it but I have no motivation to change anything.
I can't pay attention to anything. In school I have to force myself to pay attention, but just seconds later my mind wanders off to the most random things and the most random situations. I tend to live in my head almost all of the time. I cut out the world just so I can live in my head. I avoid hanging out with people and sometimes go to desperate lengths to avoid such interaction (ex: telling a friend I was pulled over by a cop on the way to her house, when in reality I never left my house). I'm also extremely forgetful. I can forget things within seconds sometimes. I can't remember directions. I can't remember a certain word a lot of the time when I'm writing. I can't follow directions. I hate being told to do SO ######6 MUCH.
I'm perfectly fine with being alone most the time. My life consists of just staying at home, smoking weed, surfing the web, sitting in school like a robot waiting for it to end, and then occasionally hanging out with somebody.
The thing is, I'm actually a really ######6 cool person. I'm funny and a good person once you get to know me, but that's just it, it's impossible to get to know me. I come off really boring and distant and cold, but if you're one of the FEW people I decide to let into my life I'll probably be one of your favorite people.
I love being complimented and I hate being criticized.
A lot of the time when I'm in public I feel very anxious and I feel like EVERYBODY in the room is talking about me for some reason. Judging me or making fun of me. I automatically assume people hate me. So I choke up when people talk to me a lot. I blush and fumble my words and make myself look stupid. So that's one of the reasons I don't talk much. I'll admit I'm a little paranoid.
The rest of the time I just don't want to. I'll look around and see people talking with their friends, laughing, being obnoxious, and I think it's all really pointless. Everybody annoys me when I'm like this. People say I have no emotions, which I guess is true, and I don't feel the need to have them.
If you're thinking my problems might be from smoking as much weed as I do, it's not. I've only been smoking for about a year - and I was the same way prior to it. I actually used to be strongly against smoking weed, drinking, and any kind of drug use. Then one day I just decided to get high and now I haven't gone more than a few days without smoking in well over a year. I absolutely love weed. It's one of the only things that makes me feel good. When I'm high is the only time I can explore the depths of my mind and begin to realize what's hiding beneath all this numbness I feel.
My moods change a lot. I'll go from being in a good mood to absolutely hating the world within minutes. If one thing upsets me my entire day is ruined. I love people one day and can't stand them the next - this can also happen within minutes. If somebody says one thing that upsets me I'm fully prepared to never speak to them again. When I'm fighting with somebody (I'll use my dad for an example) I can say the meanest things to them and not feel bad. I've called my dad an as****e, a fatass, "###$ you", etc... I don't understand why I shouldn't say things like this to people. People tell me I have no respect for a lot of people and I don't even know what respecting somebody means.
I have almost no emotional attachment to people. I tell people I love them because it's what everybody else does. But the truth is, I could cut every single person out of my life and I wouldn't care - friends, family. They just don't mean much to me. I have very few friends, mostly by choice. Most people I just don't like or don't want to associate with at first glance. But once in a while I'll meet somebody who seems okay in my book and I'll associate with them, minimally, of course.
I have acquaintances for the most part. People I'm comfortable around. That are fun to hang out with from time to time. But that's all. I have no desire to "know" them or for them to "know" me. Even people I do consider true friends barely know me at all, contrary to their belief. I tend to completely disappear from people's lives after a certain amount of time. My 'best friend' two years ago: we hung out through a lot of sophomore year and a lot of that summer. Junior year came around, she sat next to me at lunch, and then one day I never spoke to her again. A few months later I realized I felt a little bad for screwing her over so I apologized. We hung out once more and once again I dropped her from my life.
I mean, there are people I "love" but I would be fine without them.
I don't consider myself a part of a family. My brother and I absolutely never talk. I don't care for him. I cannot stand my dad - overbearing and rude. And my mom ###$ us all over by letting our house get foreclosed after she moved out to live with her boyfriend two years ago (still married to my dad to this day).
I rarely talk to my mom or see her, and I don't care very much. I tell her I love her because it's the right thing to do. I don't hate her - I do like her as a person, she's nice and funny. But I don't think of her as my "mom" - just a person I associate with from time to time. She worked a lot when I was young so I don't think I ever developed much of an emotional attachment to her - which could be the source of all my problems, but what do I know?
I'm tired of living like this. I think about death and suicide a lot. Not that I actually want to kill myself, I just think about it. Everyday I tell myself that tomorrow's going to be better, or next week's going to be better. But it never is, and I don't mind. But I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to have a life, to have friends, to ######6 do something.
If you took the time to read this...thank you
feel as if i hate the whole world and a demon or sumthin has entered me cuz i just have this sudden rage to kill all my enemies like its ok. Yes, i cry myself to sleep. Im usually lost and in school i can never get myself to pay attention. Imma top academic student but i just cant figure it out. When the teacher slapped down a so called exam in front of me i just do it without thought and seem to get smart and after im done i go back to the id**t me. I need help too its just the fact that i just get lost no matter how hard i try to stay on earth. Just cuz im popular and all doesnt mean im not lost. My school is just kinda... Weird. I hear ppl talking bout me all the time but i dont kno wat their saying. Im soo lost i cant seem to stay in this world. Help me!!
I wouldn't say i'm emotionless to anyone close to me but I can be a real B**** if I get F***** over.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything but i'm pretty sure I have a personality disorder followed by some other mental issues, which is why I prefer self diagnosis because I wouldn't want to be told that i'm a complete mental case and have proof of that.
I know what it's like to not know who you are, what you want and feel completely lost. I practically feel that everyday, a lost soul trapped in an unknown world of strange people, unsure of who I am and why i'm here amoung them.
I wouldn't say my mind is blank, I can't shut it off, I can't stop the voices, I can't familiarise or associate myself with many of the pictures that I see in my head. My head is a constant conversation within its own mind. As you put your mind as 'dull and slow' I would say mine is 'wired and racy'.
I to struggle with reading as I have to retrace what I read because I have jumped a sentence, a line or a whole paragraph, so I don't read often unless I feel the need.
I can be unmotivational as well, I hate my life, if others don't change for me I feel I shouldn't change for them. Why put effort into something if noones willing to put the effort in themselves?
I constantly lose attention, I did it growing up, while at school, during study, even at work i'm even doing it now. I always get told I live in my head, my life is a fantasy world, i'm not here in what people call 'reality' Most time I can't even tell the difference between the two. Forgetfullness is me to a curb, I can be asked or told something and it's gone from my head as soon as i've been told whatever it is i'm told asked whatever. I hate being told what to do, I feel that my freedom is taken from me if i'm told to do something I don't what to do. I have trouble writing (I don't know how many times i've just gone over this to try make my words look right).
Sometimes I like to be alone, I think I interact with people more though technology than face to face, well my partner says I spend more time on the computer or the phone. But he's busy so what's the big deal?
I can be a great person to get on with but like I said I can be a total b***h and your banned from my life if you cross this path. I'm a real moody and emotional person so I can change in an instant from social and loveable to 'BACK THE F*** OFF OR I'LL KILL YOU' type of person :D
I guess i'm emotionally attached to my partner, I just don't see how he puts up with me and all my psychopathic dramas. Sometimes it doesn't help with him being unemotinal when I become emotional. That just calls for a fight. I love compliments it makes me feel special, don't criticize me you'll get your head bitten off.
I hate being in public, I feel threatened by people like i'm being eyed up and stalked. I always feel like someone's following me, watching me, like i'm going to be kidnapped (why do they call it kidnapped? i'm not a kid! Stupid people who come up with stupid words). I might as well mention that I hate satelites, i'm so sure they read my mind.
I find it hard to make friends and keep them, I only talk to people if i'm bored and then they hardly hear from me again. I guess I mainly keep contact with my granma, considering she bought me up. I hate my dad he don't even deserve to be called a dad, more like a man w**** piece of S***! I don't really talk to mum, she would rather be known as my older sister, i'd rather just have her as a person that's just related to me without choice.
So there's some of my story, you'll probably find a lot of my posts and I would sound like a completely different person in all of them, because depending on my mood is how I direct my feelings through words, which probably doesn't make sense cause now I don't even know what the f*** i'm going on about!?
Anyways if you figure amything out let me know, I have no problem if the answer results in death, I always think about it, and have tried suicide. To me death is inevitable and just depends how close you want to meet it. I don't plan on sticking around long.
If what i've said doesn't help well at least I expressed what went on through my head reading what you wrote.
Don't mean to sound rude but for some reason, I have to keep changing meds because they don't last very long for what they are supposed to do. I also suffer intense headaches which have to keep changing what I use for it or increase the dosage.
I suppose I better see a shrink or doctor and get a brain scan or something, whatever they do. Glad meds work for you, but I reacon i'm a medical mystery.
I agree with many people on this topic when it comes to socializing. I have been double crossed many times by so called "friends" which has led to my lack of trust in humanity. So in most cases I have kept a close eye on all who dare inch into my life. Note, when I was listening to my group table in class I told them if I had the chance I would replace them all with robots or genetically modified cadavers brought back to life.
Read Eccesiastes in the Bible it helped me when I was feeling depressed