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At school or just going out of the house in general, i think that everyone is looking at me, judging me, saying things about me and i'm always really concerned that something is wrong with me. In school time i started to become bulimic, i would either eat lots and lots and throw it up in school - because i liked the feeling of being weak and empty. Or just not eat at all because i thought maybe i'm fat and that's what is wrong with me.
I would do things such as hide in the school toilet cubicles in recess and lunch to avoid people, not catch the school bus home and wait an hour and a half for the next one, once again to avoid people. I walk about a km every morning so i can get on the first bus stop as to get on the bus first and not have to walk onto the bus by myself in front of everyone. I suffered glandular fever for about 8 weeks, and i didn't help myself get better - i wouldn't eat or drink. I hate living at home with my mum, she's so judgmental and doesn't understand anything. I hate going out on weekends and would much rather stay in my room. Same for school. I always feel like i;m the problem child of the family, and the family looks down on me and that they think i can't achieve anything. I haven't got many friends at all. I had a boyfriend, who moved to a different state and now he's back and decided to move on with other people - so that's hard as well because i still really like him .
If i get myself in a scary situation i often think - it doesn't really matter if i die.
I don't feel as though many understand me or i can relate to anyone.
I'd like to tell people but i'm really scared what they will think, and i'm not sure on how to go about things. But one thing is for sure i really do not want to go to school for a while.

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Do you have someone you can talk to in your area, parent, friend, grandparent, aunt, teacher, anyone? You definately need to have at least one person you can confide in and trust. If no one in your family or nearby friends, find someone who is completely unbiased to you and your life. It looks like you are having problems with your mum, so the best route is for you to even see your school counselor if you can. They will look at things from a different perspective than a parent and yourself. It is hard when you go through boyfriend problems but it is time to just take care of yourself right now. Do you have a healthy outlet, like exercise or reading, or something that helps to take your mind off of problems for awhile? If you continue to have those thoughts of not wanting to live, of course, it is a lie and you need to see your doctor right away. Please keep me posted!
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I totally understand what you're going through, after being home-schooled for six years I lept into public school. It's easy to feel like everyone is watching and judging you. The thing to remember is everyone feels everything. Even if people seem to have everything "together" everyone is floating through life the same way. Every family has problems, no one is perfect. You can feel like you're the only person in the world and let the weight of the world rest on your shoulders or you can enjoy life.

A few things that have really helped me are:

Pets: I have a bunny- she's my world- just looking at her little nose bob up and down relaxes me and helps me feel like the world is not so bad.

Music: I love playing my keyboard, I used to have a piano when I lived at my parent's house. Even if you don't have any musical instruments there are many stores that will let you wander around and play anything you want.

Art: Drawing my feelings out helps tremendously, you can put any kind of anger, hate, resentment, pain, love, anything on paper. I've tried all kinds of art supplies like oils, pastels, chalk, charcoal, pencils, markers. Anything- you'd be amazed by what you can come up with when you close your eyes and just let everything go.

Writing: I keep three separate journals, one for when I'm really happy, one for when I'm totally depressed and feel alone in the world, and one that I write down everything I'm greatful for. If you think about how many things are going RIGHT in your life instead of wrong you can really see how good things are. For example- one day I couldn't think of ANYTHING good to be greatful for, then I realized I have ten fingers, ten toes, working organs, hair on my head- I'm doing better than half the population around me just by those few simple things that I take for granted everyday.

And friends: If you let them friends can lift you up and push you down. You need friends who will support you in positive ways- even if it's just goofy things that will make you laugh.

I'm not a big supporter of medication- but it does work for some people. You may find that a simple antidepressant can help for everyday anxiety. For me I only take medication when I get really bad, I keep my doctor up to date with my moods and other problems. For the most part though, I get through life on my own. (I'm bipolar if that wasn't clear)

Hope this helped.
~Ruby
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