Ok my fiancé an I have been together for almost a year,well are sex life was great then we decided to have sex once a week so are sex life wouldn't be boring. It started last month he knows now that I know that he's been watching porn which is problem but it has become a problem when we stopped having sex an he is always saying baby why don't you go to sleep an stop fighting it so I have been doing this for awhile an come to find out every night for over a month he waits till he thinks I'm asleep an starts watching porn every night an wanks off every night,well we used to do it together in bed now he does it on the couch an I wait a week before we have sex well it's come down to once a month. Last night we had intercourse an he waited till he thought I was sleeping and started watching porn an wanking off I have tried everything an don't know what to do. I feel like I'm not good enough anymore can someone please help me
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No-one can compete with porn, much of which is fantasy. He is being unfaithful-it is cyber-adultery. It is addictive as well as dangerous and degrading. Give him an ultimatum: He must give up porn or you will finish with him. You must mean it.
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I understand but how do u go from having sex an wanking off in bed next to you to not really having sex to watching porn an wanking off with out the person you love I feel like I'm not good enough anymore
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This is a problem. First you should confront him about it an let him know how his doing makes you feel. You and him should try new stuff like different sex positions and be a little kinky every now and than. Lighten up your sex life so he knows your not boring. Excite him, you just might like it yourself:)
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I have confronted him an it didn't do any good an when I try to have sex with him he always says no not tonight or he gets mad an says is sex all you think about, I want to do more things but it takes two for it to happen
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Dear Jen
- "I have confronted him an it didn't do any good" But have you given him an ultimatum?
- "when I try to have sex with him he always says no not tonight" but he is happy with cyber-sex.
- "he gets mad an says is sex all you think about" It's equally all he thinks about - except his is non-personal cyber-sex! While I think sexual intercourse should be reserved for marriage, he is substituting a personal relationship for a remote experience. Pornography is addictive and dangerous, and he is showing some of the signs of what it can do to someone. This is unlikely to improve without him receiving specialist help. You need to take action.
- "I want to do more things but it takes two for it to happen" You want to do more things with someone who has no respect for you? He is your fiancé and that means you intend getting married to him. Yet he is more taken up with the fantasies of pornography than the realities of you! Furthermore, you want to pursue more physical activities when it is clear there are severe inter-personal relationship issues. That is no safe basis for a marriage!
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Here are some reasons why:
- No anxiety when one masturbates (other than the risk of getting caught if that is an issue in the relationship). Often anxiety is a big part of what comes from partner sex: anxiety about how I smell, how my body will perform, will my body perform, does my partner like me, my body, how my body reacts etc. For many people, unfortunately, relationship sex is filled with so much anxiety that it is not enjoyable
- A person is tired and masturbation doesn't require the same level of effort, both mentally and physically to perform
- It is not painful. For both men and women, relationship sex can be physically painful and the inability to resolve the pain or effectively discuss it with their partner leads to the desiring relationship sex less or avoiding it
- A person is bored
- A person is bored with their relationship and wants to play out a fantasy in their head
- A person is stressed
- Because they like it
- They don't have to worry about getting rejected by their partner
- Their partner is sick, has their period or just doesn't want it when the partner does
- They want to do it quick or don't have the time required for relationship sex
- Their partner is traveling or away from their partner
- It's convenient, like in the shower in the morning or evening
- It is their best attempt to remain faithful to the marriage because they are really unhappy and don't have anyway to resolve marital conflict outside the bedroom
- They do not desire the kind of sex they will have with their partner
- It's fun
- They want to indulge in a fantasy that they are: too afraid, embarrassed or fear rejection from their partner to share with them
- They just want an orgasm and they know how best to get there in the fastest way possible
- To learn more about their own body and what they like and how to reach orgasm
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