alright I'm just gonna write out whats been on my mind because I cant seem to make sense of it while its sitting in my head, so pretty much I'm 99% sure I have some type of OCD and I know this, I started being afraid that I was gay last year when I was think 19 I knew I wasn't gay because I simply don't find men attractive, I tried fantasizing about'em tried checking them out and nothing and I'm in control of that pretty good now, I'm kind of a hypochondriac but not really cause its not on my mind constantly but I had/have a fear of gettin HSV so I don't drink after anyone anymore and stuff like that anymore,the sad thing is I don't even think it would be that bad if I got it cause its not really that Life threatening, I guess for now I've gotten over it, I also had obsessed about death and couldn't get that off my mind because while I was down in Texas my uncle died so I was dealing with that fear the same time I had the fear of being gay, then shortly after I developed a fear that I wouldn't be able to get an erection anymore and started "Checking" kinda similar to the way I was when I was dealing with the homosexual fears, so I'm dealing with a lot of problems I guess but I'm pretty strong willed and I know I can beat this.
so recently I made out for the first time with this girl at a party and It was a huge disappointment, the whole night I had no problems at all there was girls all over the place and I remember getting hard a couple times lol one girl came and hugged me and I looked at her for like 3 mins and boom erection XD same with the girl I made out with, at one point while we were on our way to the party she leaned the seat back and put he arms around me and I was totally turned on by that, I remember trying to hide my erection, so anyway we're at the party and I drank like half a 40 and smoked a lil, and we slept next to each other and I knew something was goin down, so I started feeling her up and that felt nice and turned me on once again, she started getting into it and flipped so she was facing me and we started making out, and I guess yeah I just really wasn't into it I remember thinking "nope" it was dark so we couldn't see each others faces but my eyes were open the whole time, so once again this little incident has turned into something that I'm obsessing about, just acouple days ago I started wondering if I don't like making out, I want to be able to enjoy it so bad but that one bad experience has been making me think I'm never going to like it, THEN it got worse! now I started thinking "what if I don't like sex?" I'm a virgin so I've never had sex, so I don't know what to expect and I'm afraid that I'm not going to enjoy it like the kiss and that I will never enjoy it (see how stupidly dumb my obsessive thoughts are?)
Its been causing me so much anxiety, its got me thinking I'm not attracted to women anymore, lately I've had zero Libido I cant get turned on for sh*t and I hate it, I'm trying to use my usual techniques to quell my anxiety but I don't even know where to start this time, I've given up masturbating to see if that can get me out of my funk, but I just want to get back to normal (or close to it) I like girls I, I like being attracted to girls so I figure I should have enjoyed making out because I'm pretty sure I was attracted to her, I should probably mention that we were laying on a couch (really Uncomfortably) and there wasn't enough room so I was kinda being crushed and I could feel my leg going numb, plus there was a another guy sleeping on it (he was sitting) so that probably has something to do with it, but Idk I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've waited so long to experience stuff like this, Like making out and sex all because I'm so focused on my music and when it was finally my turn to experience it it just wasn't what I thought it would be, I even thought that I might be Asexual but I don't think I fit the description, Is the first one supposed to suck? is sex going to suck? I really want to enjoy these things >__< I'm a nice guy I just worry too much v__v
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Hey hey Apollo999,
From what you've written, I'd say you've got an anxiety disorder. The way you have described your thought patterns (or 'thought schemas') sounds very much like looming maladaptive thought schemas. To explain; it's like a tap dribbling to a flow- a situation sparks off a negative thought that gets bigger and bigger and encompasses other irrelevent fears. When our brains are in this state, they pick up on subconscious indicators to encourage the 'tap' of thoughts. For example, your uncles death in Texas & you fearing death- everything that reminded you of your mortality, at this time, would have encouraged those fears. They could have been things as simple as conversations about death or accidents, the obituaries in the local paper, headlines about death & war in papers/websites. Your subconscious would have latched on to them and used them to back up your fear of death. You uncles death would have probably been the initial trigger (you've worked this out) that you recognised. But....
I think your fears of death and mortality probably go a lot deeper. You mention that you had the OCD, hypochondria and fear of germs & sex before and at around the same time. I think the fear of sex, may be, related to your OCD and fear of germs. After all, they both relate to bodily fluids and an exchange of something bodily personal (as such).
And I think this is rooted in a deeper fear of your own mortality. Sex in this day and age is risky, so I bet your a person who picks up on this. Sex can be an exchange of germs..... Can you see where I'm going with this?
You catching something- either through sex or through sharing a cup- is terrifying. It risks your health and subsequently, risks your life. Thus, these activites causes you anxiety.
[You said]" I started being afraid that I was gay last year when I was think 19 I knew I wasn't gay because I simply don't find men attractive, I tried fantasizing about'em tried checking them out and nothing and I'm in control of that pretty good now", "Its been causing me so much anxiety, its got me thinking I'm not attracted to women anymore, lately I've had zero Libido I cant get turned on for sh*t and I hate it" and "I even thought that I might be Asexual but I don't think I fit the description"
The lack of libido is not causing you anxiety- the anxiety is causing your zero libido. And if you don't find men attractive- why did you think you were gay? Usually, it's a prerequisite to have some kind of sexual feelings towards your own sex (and I'm assuming you're male!) if you're going to be gay! It's sounds very much as if you are still going through your sexual identification stage, yet (no offence!) you seem a little older than usual. You're 20 now? The 'Am I straight, gay, bi or going to a convent' stage is often full-blown in the teenage years- however, I know many- myself included- who were still going through the 'I think I'm bi!' stage at 20.
Don't fear that you are asexual. You're human- when you're not getting it and not triggering the parts of the brain that tell the body it wants it, you don't crave sex. It doesn't mean that, in the right situation with the right person when you are in the right mood, you won't want it. Your brain and body needs to be stimulated for you to get in the mood. If those triggers aren't available or your brain is blocking them, then the sexual feelings won't occur. It might even be hard to muster an attraction. Also- some people just simply aren't in to playing solo. Masturbating isn't for everyone or perhaps you just need some new tricks! (Freeze your hand a little bit before going in for the *feel or there's the rubber glove wnk).
I have the impression you probably haven't had a great deal of emotional support over the years; haven't had many people to confide in, haven't made a lot of strong attachments (especially with the other sex). You certaintly haven't developed healthy connections between 'making-love', sex and feeling good about yourself, and I'm guessing either lack of education or a negative one when it comes to intimacy.
I also have the impression that you have stability issues, perhaps to do with your childhood homelife and attachments (parents, siblings, etc).
I would highly suggest seeing your doctor and telling him/her about your anxiety and how it's effecting your life. Are you medicating the OCD? Medication can offer short term relief, but sometimes it takes a while to get the right med & dose. With anxiety, there are other ways to get help. In most cases, I would suggest a cognitive behavioural or rational emotive behavioural type of therapy, but with you- I think there's deep rooted issues that would benefit from a psychodynamic approach thrown in. The reason I think this is because you seem to have sexual identification issues that are connected to the anxiety, as well as a fear of mortality.
A fear of mortality is absolutely natural- in fact, it's neccesary, to a certain degree, for our evolution and survival. However, when it is impacting severely on your life through anxious daily thoughts and behaviour, it becomes a 'disorder' and you need help to get through it.
It WILL be your time, one day and no, the first time doesn't have to 'suck' and this statement in itself, tells me that you have haven't had many good stories about the 'First time'. The First time can be whatever you and the other person want it to be- afterall, your the ones doing it! Perhaps expect a bit of awkwardness- depending on your partner's amount of experience, you may fumble a bit, get things in the wrong place, but that sort of thing happens! It's all part and parcel of the fun of it. You laugh, kiss, touch and carry on till it feels right or get on with something else!
Sex is experimental and never goes perfectly! But that's the way it should be- fun, spontanious, guided by sensations of the body rather than the logical (or illogical) mind. For some, its a connection between the body and mind, especially if they're making love to someone they truly have feelings for.
The only way it will 'suck' will be if you rush it and do it when you're not comfortable. Take your time and choose someone you trust and have genuine feelings for and who has genuine feelings for you. That way, it will be a pleasant, positive experience and it won't suck (unless you ask her nicely!).
Good luck & I hope you get laid soon. Anxiety is your biggest hinderence- start dealing with that and you'll pop your cherry!
Take care
V
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you're right when you say "Haven't had to many good stories about the first time" my first Sexual experience was a complete and total trainwreck, I was drunk and it was a foursome, because I was drunk I couldn't get an erection so the two girls there and my friend were all like "dude whats up?" worst feeling ever :( shortly after that is when I developed the fear that I might be gay, because I thought "why couldnt I get an erection? am I gay because of that?" it plagued my mind for months, of all the fears I've had that one made me breakdown the worst because it felt like I didn't know who I was anymore,Then my uncle died and I started to fear death, the Idea of just not exisiting anymore really screwed with me I guess, I dont really believe thats whats going to happen anymore but thats besides the point, I learned how to deal with it (sorta) by just embracing it rather than fearing it, so If I was having a fear that I was gay I would just say, "well theres a chance I could be gay, lets see what happens" and I just stopped being afraid of it and the thoughts became less important.
The Hypchondriac thing is not really about Germs though believe it or not! haha no no it is specially HSV (Herpies Simplex Virus) I just do not want that, I recall saying one time (I'd gladlly take cancer if it meant I'd never have herpies) but like I said I know its an irrational fear,I'd never been afraid of something like that, after it started everytime I would share something with someone I would like look at their mouth or wipe whatever we were sharing with my shirt or something.Im not really a "Germaphobe" at all! I change the garbage over here if there's like Maggots cause my brother cant stand the sight of them, but I dont mind stuff like that! its just specifically that one thing, Theres been times when I would like feel my lip tingle or burn and I would Immidiately go to the Hospital (at the expsense of my parents money -__-) everytime I've gone in a panic the doctors have always told me "I dont see anything wrong with you" EVERYTIME thats how I know I'm messed up,
you're also right when you say that I haven't had much emotional support, To be honest I've had little to none, its not really because my family doesnt love me, I just think they have no Idea of how to help me with what I'm going through,when I started fearing I was gay, I literally told my whole family, I just couldnt keep all that bottled up,It was making me just stay in my room all day, I get so exhausted when Im anxious that I have no motivation to do anything,I told them and the most they would do is be like "nah you'll be alright" they just dont know how to handle me I guess, I cant really confide in my friends because I just think it would be too embarissing, I told one good friend but he like my family has no Idea what to say,so he's there for moral support haha, I dont have many female friends, I used to but not so much at the moment, In high school I fell in love with my best friend and she couldnt get past the friendship so it ended badly between us and thats when I got into music.
you know? despite all this I tend to think of myself as a very optimistic and happy person, I just have a messed up brain, thank you for reading my story! XD haha I appreciate the feed back because you are 100% Probably 1000% right about me.
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