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I have been doing alot of research lately and i believe i have what they call HOCD....im a 20 yr old male who has always been attracted to women, sexually and emotionally, never had any of those feelings for a man, until this bs came along i never thought of a man in any way like that. i mean everyone has random thoughts sometimes but they blow over your head because you know who you are...this HOCD caused serious anxiety for the first 4 days making me feel sick, loss of appetite, feeling weird around friends of the same sex, intrusive thoughts, feeling like every motion i make is gay....I ended my relationship with my girl of 2 yrs when it all started, I had major stress from my relationship before this even started, i loved my girl so i didnt want to be without her, so i stayed, having emotional numbness towards her, but wanting to be free and flirt with other woman and live my young life.... for around for 4 long months, i tried to act like i could make it work but it was stressing me even more, because i didnt want to leave her and see her with somebody else because i felt like i would only want her back after letting her go..i believe this HOCD came from being stressed from my relationship and watching porn, leaving me vulnerable. but this is making me think have i been gay all along and didnt know it?? but i dont want to be gay, i know im straight but its making me question myself..i tested myself yesterday and played basketball with my friends, and during the beginning i felt very awkward, then as time passed it started to die down, making me feel like i know im not gay...to make it even worse my anxiety is gone for the most part, making me feel like im accepting the fact that i might be gay or something, i liked to have the anxiety so i at least felt like i knew something...without the anxiety it seemed to make the thoughts go farther then they started out being the thought of somebody performing anal sex on me, now it seems like the thoughts are snowballing into more intrusive thoughts, and the fact that i have no anxiety is making it worse, like i could go gay at any moment or something but in my mind i keep telling myself "im not gay, im not gay"...ive always seen myself marrying a woman and having a wife and kids but now it seems like all those thoughts are clouded by gay thoughts of maybe being with a man, and also making me think of one of my male friends that ive known for a while in a different way, making me think that i would have feelings for him or something, like if he went gay then i would too or something,, but i keep telling myself im not gay, and i refuse to test myself with gay porn or any of that ****. i mean is this HOCD or am i over thinking? or what?..i cant feel any anxiety so its making me think i could be gay, but i dont want to be gay...ive talked numerous times with my parents about it, and theyre telling me its just a phase that im going through and that im not gay....ive always loved women, masturbating to straight porn(imagining im the man), and naked women *** and boobs, now it seems like ive lost attraction towards women, and my sex drive is gone...i dont think i have any sexual or emotional feelings for any men, but this is killing me to have no anxiety because it makes me feel like i like it, when i really know that im not gay, and i dont want to be...i keep telling myself if im gay, i dont want to live anymore.Everyone elses cases of this HOCD seem to be a longer period of anxiety and symptoms but mine are gone in less that a week which makes me concerned...i still wake up with heart felt panic attacks...i feel like i will never think about women the same way or something like this will never go away, or it could come back later if something spikes it off..i cant stand the thought of being gay because it will ruin my life.

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I am  going through the same. look at *******web addresses not allowed********

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Well that makes three of us, and thanks to the internet many others can connect with eachother and vanishing the stressful "am i the only one who thinks this" question.

This just hit me roughly 3 days ago

It started off last week, this girl im friends with decided she wanted to have sex with me. In our society, if a girl thats decent looking, wants to have sex with you, you dont turn down p***y. So we did, a few times. kinda. Bruh, i couldnt get hard, i couldnt get comfortable. I didnt think i had OCD, that sh*t is for people who organize everything and have serious mental and cognitive problems right? Well after being embarrassed everytime we'd attemp to have sex or finish a few hours later, i got to thinking. 

Just a year or so back, I was exploring my true sexuality, I had gotten into a fight over this girl who i used to date on and off, I became sexually comfortable around her and things were going alright, i really liked her. But things ended do to lots of other problems... My bestfirends ex. Thats another story. Then i met this other girl. Man was she the most beautiful women ive ever seen. Fell in love, most happiest ive ever felt. Sex was incredible, i felt at ease. Never a gay thought in my head at all. Never had any desire for it, never really saw how anyone could even by bi-sexual. I would later find myself heart broken, like really smashed up. I was really obsessive, mentally and emotionally. This was her first relationship, and for me as well to now that i think of it. we dated on and off, and she has never left my mind since we broke up last august.

now at 19, just a few nights ago, really processing why i cant get hard. Negative thoughts came around, HOCD kinda thoughts. It was so sudden. WTF is this sh*t. Now gay thoughts? This just isn't adding up. I don't wanna be gay, nothing ever sponed such emotions in my youth? Is this really me? I love women, in fact i have high standards and i respect myself for that. I don't just f**k around with girls just for sex, i wanna be with them for good and f**k the sh*t out of them lol. Now i just have some gay thoughts floating around. I still find girls attractive, and i dont even think of guys sexually at all. I understand if some are considered attactive to girls, i think everyone has a sense of whose ugly and whose not. but what is this sh*t? Im getting so up in my head i cant think straight, LITERALY gahh. I wanna see a professional about this. I want the hot girlfriend who ive always fantasised about weather its my ex or someone new. 

Thinking of everything, i need to ban porn from my life and channel it on to girls, make sex special again instead of gratifying myself to fapping so easily. Maybe just put some the research away aswell. Let me know if my story can relate to anyone.

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Its a real thing HOCD people. I had a mental breakdown due to shocking marriage debacle and having a life history of depression. I actually remember similar thoughts over the years that before the breakdown just came in and went out as thoughts do. Now battling fairly severe depression, the thoughts can be horrific and just keep going until my mood lifts then I feel myself again. I can enjoy sex with a woman one night and the next morning if my mood isn't right chemically then this an a real roll on, sometimes for days. Even as I'm writing there is interference with my thoughts and thats where there is a link with sabotage in depression. Just think about the most common ocd which I thought was the only one originally, people washing their hands. They can actually see their hands are clean yet still get over ruled by their thoughts.
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