I admit I've had a porn addiction ever since the age of 17 (I'm 25 now)and have been hooked on it ever since. I'd masturbate at least 3 times a day or at every chance I'd get (to straight porn) and i can tell you, the thought of anything even slightly homosexual never even crossed my mind except for mere feelings of revulsion (I mean no offense folks). And boy do i remember my first crush;I'd get all tight-knotted in the stomach at the sight of her, and not to mentioned many more girls i felt very attracted to. I suppose after a while the Gigabytes upon Gigabytes of heterosexual porn lost it's "kick" hence i deviated to girl on girl, then transsexual and before i knew it; full-on homosexual porn.
Then exactly last October I came to realize that i actually enjoyed and fantasized about it. I took a step back and literally asked myself "Am i really into this?". And to make matters "worse" I'm still a virgin although I'd flirted and engaged in "non-penetrative" sexual acts with this close (girl)friend of mine whom at the time i had such immense sexual feelings for (prior to this crisis). So now whenever i think of her i feel so much guilt (making me want to withdraw and cut-off all contact with her) and this voice in my head chimes in telling me "Ain't going to happen, you watch gay porn for crying out loud. YOU ARE GAY". It kills me i tell you. The same happens say when the subject of marriage, kids and family is brought up; I just can't quench this guilt.
Keep in mind I in no way whatsoever physically or emotionally have a (real life) same-sex attraction although the gay porn does turn me on. Straight-porn still does it job nevertheless but I've come to notice the difference in "satisfaction". So my question is; Is this some phase? Do i need just a little resolve, ride this thing out then I'll gradually be rid of this habit? I tried kicking the (porn) habit and it seems the urge exacerbates in suit and i need an immediate "fix" so to speak.
Forgive my long rant as my life's been a literal hell for the last year or so. I've been more withdrawn, rather snappy and so stressed. This is source of so much shock and confusion to me as up until a year ago i had never brought this into question.
I'd be truly appreciative of your input.
Just because you look at gay porn does not mean your gay. From just being around the forums on this site I can tell you that a lot of guys are looking at gay porn. There have been a lot of questions about it.
You said you don't want to do anything with a guy. Does that answer your question? To me it does.
There is nothing wrong with being a 25 year old virgin either. At some point you will lose your virginity. When the time is right and the partner is right, not before.
Could it be a "phase?" Maybe. You've looked at a lot of porn and are just looking at different stuff now. I know you've tried to kick the habit, continue in those efforts, but get outside. Meet people, real, live human beings. Being alone in front of your computer is not going to help you understand who or what you are.
Be comfortable with who you are. Whether you are or are not does not change you.
Hope it helps.
You have no idea how empowering it is to hear words of encouragement.
I agree, a lot of time may have been spent in solitude which might've proven
But as far as i know that can be helped.
I've decided to give porn a rest although i have a hard time coming to terms with
deleting all the smut.
What to do? As I'd resort to hetero-porn whenever this "hocd" hits.
So it's become a vicious cycle.
Thanks so much Dan.
The fact that you mention a "spike" seems to draw my attention towards HOCD. A good question to ask yourself is, if you were gay, would you be okay with it? Its hard to vocalize my point properly, but there is a major distinction between
"I'm afraid, I might be gay" (as in, what will my friends , parents, coworkers think. How will this change my life, ect ect ect)
"I'm afraid of the possibility I could be gay" (Am I? wait, I've never really been attracted to men, oh, but there were sometimes I was kinda attracted, but I don't think I'm gay?...what if I'm in denial? holy sh*t, I'm totally in denial, I must be gay...but I've never really been attracted to me? (repeat ad nosium)
One is an understandable fear about coming out of the closet, one is an anxiety disorder and a variant of ocd. The fact that you're on here, actively questioning the possibility, means you're almost certainly not a latent homosexual ( no one in denial would do this, they'd try to deny any possibility in their minds)