HOCD again.....20 year old......psychologists,gay people, anyone help!!!

theblueneckedone over a year ago

Hi there people. I'm a 20 year old guy, virgin. Please bear with me for posting the same thing again even after so much has been said. For the first time in my entire life have I had these thoughts about me being gay. When I was growing up, I always had these idols to look up to, soldiers, batman, the works. I always saw myself as a gentleman, the protector, tough, silent and loving. Dont get me wronng, I dont think I"M a SUPERHERO or INVINCIBLE, its just that these guys were my role models. Rocky is my favourite movie. And boy did I have crushes. I went steady with a girl for 2 years when I was just 15, no sex though, premarital sex not encouraged in my community. But I dont have a problem with that. NEVER EVER DID I DOUBT WHO I WANTED TO MARRY.Then somehow, I got hooked onto internet porn a couple of years back. I feel porn has been the worst thing that has happened to me. I began to masturbate compulsively to more and more gross genres. But even then I never got on to gay porn. It killed of my libido with girls and made me super depressed. A couple of days back I was at my friend's(guy) home doing some college work. It was hot so we both had our shirts off. When I got home, I got this sneaky thought, oho you are with a guy without a shirt , what's up???? And that was when this OCD began. Sice then its just been an obsession, "Do you like the guy there on the YAMAHA?" and so on. Well I do like guys, but not in a romantic sort of way. I guess its just natural to appreciate something good, be it looks, status, or whatever. I tell myself this " You see that Mercedes over there? Thats a beautiful car. I'd really love to own one." That doesn't make me CAR-GAY. So its the same with guys. But my thoughts just won't stop. I tell you I would do anything to help my friends. Loyalty is a big part of me. But then I can't be f*****g GAY. Then I have this thought" Who says Gay people aren't loyal?" God I dont mean it like that. I can't see myself with a guy. Period.I know I am straight. When I think of myself having a relationship with a guy, it just goes against every cell in my body. Being gay would be like saying I have green blood. I just want to get back my life. I love girls. Really. I want to get married and have my family. I checked out other HOCD forums and everyone seems to be going through the same. And I admit, porn makes it worse. I even had a lot of anxiety about watching porn, I felt I was cheating on my girlfriend/spouse whatever. I get these thoughts continuously like"Am I gay?","Am I gay?","Am I gay?" and then worry about the times I had imagined myself on a honeymoon with my sweetheart. And then I want to go and jump off the balcony of my bedroom. Sometimes I worry whether I'm in denial or what, but the truth is I'VE NEVER EVER HAD ANY INTEREST IN SPENDING MY LIFE WITH A GUY. YUCK!!!!! I want to pull my brains out and fry them in oil and feed it to the pigs. I do have OCD, before this, for a couple of years I was terrified of ghosts(seems pretty gay!!...forgive the pun!!!). But this is the worst OCD ever. And its the biggest mistake OCD ever made. I could have lived with OCD if I was afraid of ghosts or spiders or something, but this is just not acceptable. I WILL WIN....... I will do everything that I can to get my life back. I'm a fighter and I do have that much confidence left in me. People please some support..... I want my life back, I want my love back.....

I feel like shite right now.

Oh and to all my co-sufferrers I'll be with you. Posting as soon as I can. And sorry if I'm mean to anyone in the post above.

God bless you all!!!!

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Migahota226781 over a year ago

Do something else that you enjoy to get your mind off it

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carpntr233088 over a year ago

Yes I also think you need to try and get your mind off these things and try doing something different for a change to help you see things in a different way. Get a good hobby, work with others to help yourself keep away from your thinking about this so much. It can overwhem you to much. Surround yourself with friends and family to keep your mind free of the controling power that it has over you. There are so many of us out here that feel a lot of the same way that you do and it makes us feel better to get it out in the open like this. Good luck to you and hope all get better for you soon. God bless you also youngman.

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jerbrent133486 over a year ago

First off, fear of spiders,, ghosts, whatever..are phobias.I went through school and never once heard OCD.I think it is an easy excuse for what ever your obsessing about. There are parental controls on your computer, set it to block porn sites and ask someone else to put a password in. There is nothing wrong with having figures that you look up to.Men sit in front of the TV everyfootball season and root for a quaterback or a team. I grew up with the reds and the bengals,back then they were great players, and they didn't get arrested for gun possesion, drugs,using steroids.That was why when Pete Rose got caught betting, it was the thing that rocked the sports world. He was Charlie Hustle, Mr.Baseball. I like watching the Olympics, watching the best atheletes in the world compete. Just because you have a computer and get just about anything you could think of,doesn't make you anything,but someone with to much free time. I worked full-time starting at 15, I competed in school competitions, went in early every morning to set up the breakfast program, had my own apartment 3 months before I graduated High School. After school I started going to auctions , buying and selling things, doing antique shows everyother weekend and had a job that was 55 hours a week.I worked so much I never had time to worry about a relationship of anykind. At 20 you can do or be whoever you want to be. Join the service,you can travel around the world in the navy.My cousin was born in japan when they were stationed there, and if you put in 20 years, you can retire with a pension at 41.Then do whatever you want after that.Join the peace corps,volunter for projects like Habitat for Humanity.Shut off the dam computer and go participate in the real world. Don't worry about what may be, go out and meet people, make friends,find people to do stuff with that you like. Trust me, when you have the opportunity, grab it. You will meet people who become life long friends. My friends are the most important thing, and I would do anything for any of them. I believe in Astral projection, that we have connections with certain people for a reason, but I don't go crazy about it. I read , learn and widen my knowledge.Getting on the net and finding other people as obsest about being obsest is like going to AA, you sit around and take turns telling everyone how you messed your life up. I write to my old friends, talk to some new ones, but I don't run my life around being on line.If you want your life back, get off your ass, and go live it! Your not going to have a life tied to your computer, and blaming it for every thing that is wrong .Go a week without going on line...I dare you, after a week,you will check your emails, and find that the world didn't end because you weren't online. I smoked for 15 yrs, one day I said this is bad for me I put them down and quit. They were nothing but a nervous habit, and if you keep busy doing something else..then you don't need them. If I was 20 again I would find ways to travel the world. When I am able to sell my house, I am going to move to Costa Rico. Just because I think it will be fun and a new adventure.Start Planning your life, not worrying about what a thought means. Good Luck!

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