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Hello, I have been depressed for about a year with major anxiety issues that I link to OCD. I am 18 and I have had a generally great lifestyle, with many girlfriends even though I am shy, taking that into consideration I tried to put effort into my personal appearance which I found to not be odd at all. But OCD seems to put into my head that since I am a guy it is weird and out of the ordinary for that, I try to take on a rocker look, it may be a tiny bit androgynous but I find it comfortable knowing that I am normal and don't stick to any side that I believe to be right. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I have been with for 8 months, the thing is though.. she moved away about 4 months ago because her dad is in the military. It's extremely hard to handle this and since I just graduated high skool, everything in life is very confusing. I work at Kroger grocery and I absolutely hate it, but I know I need to stay until I finish online college. I know all of this is normal for any teen. I have recently become obsessed with some very unnecessary thoughts, I have been very homophobic so I am very scared of having any kind of gay thoughts, it grosses me out to a point where I feel like throwing up. But I know for a fact I have HOCD, I have no attraction to guys, I do not have any urge to sexually mentally or physically get involved with a man, and even typing that makes me sick because I can't get out of my head these intrusive thoughts like, "what if this person(mostly girl) thinks I'm gay", or just anything like that or just like if im starting picturing a girl naked or just any fantasy in general my mind tells me that I am stupid because i have to be gay and that is not right, which I hate, I used to have lots of random encounters with girls and i used to be confident and loved that girls could see that in me. I have many friends and now i just feel weird around them and feel like i should hold myself up in my room. I hate anything gay honestly, my friend that was an obvious lesbian announced she was and now I dont really want to hang out with her anymore. I really don't want this to seem like I am afraid of being gay or anything, I know in my heart I am not and that gives me great hope. I have looked up many many HOCD help sites and I identify perfectly with the symptoms and even more that I identify with the stories of almost all of the sufferers, I just want it to stop so I can live my life how I want too, which is possibly get married to my girlfriend, but definitely getting married to a girl and having kids someday. I have always been attracted to girls and still am, thinking about gay stuff does not get me off at all, I find gay porn unappealing but have masturbated to different kinds of porn on occasion, but I know that was just cause I wanted t something new and that was simply masturbation. I have been doubtful at a younger age, but I knew that having a girl was what I truly wanted because, well, it just felt right with a girl and I was about 15 which seems to be a year where we can look back on stupid things. It still feels right to love girls, but not having a girlfriend at the moment is killing me, I feel so alone, I can't do good in school, I can't write or draw anymore, I can't enjoy thinking about life, I can enjoy hanging out with friends but sometimes ide rather sit at home. I want to make my gf happy, but it is so hard to with her gone, i want to hold her and I get turned on by pictures she sends me, phone sex (text and talk) and just imagining about the sex we had before, which was amazing. I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the computer with little sleep so I know that is just making things worse, but it is hard to not stay on with all the work I have to do.

Honestly my life is a living hell or feels like it, it feels like my obsessive thoughts are trying to make me into something my heart knows I am not. Like I said I know for a fact I am not gay but no matter what info I have intrusive thoughts still give me anxiety and I just wish It would stop. I have had sex with about 5 girls and I loved it, I love boobs and nice butt on a girl, and I have been very emotionally attached to girls that I have had relationships with as well as plenty of crushes all throughout my life and I find it exciting to fool around with a girl and love their features. Ive also fooled around with a few close (girl)friends and it was awesome, thinking about that makes me so happy and I feel a little like my real self, and my god, is it a wonderful feeling to actually be happy for a moment. I have been able to overcome these thoughts and feel like myself every now and then, but because I have had this going on for soooo long, the OCD just finds new ways to scare me, and I am to the point where I really am about to crack, I can barely find solace anymore. I have tried talking to a doctor but I am shy and do not explain it good and I believe I have the will to get through this but I just really want help and advice, my girlfriend is supposed to come back in half a year, I want to wait for her, but then again I don't. I love her alot and she loves me, but loving someone who live 8 states away is hard, right? Sometimes my OCD tells me that it isn't right to naturally have a hard time with this, which makes me even more depressed because I know for a fact that it is normal. I just don't know what happened to the me that used to be confident with anything no matter who said anything, I miss drawing, writing and expressing myself, and just generally enjoying life. I find gay life in no way at all appealing and just want to avoid it all together. I used to smoke weed alot and never get paranoid, but like alot of other people I have been getting paranoid with it, so I stopped, which I know is good all together. I just get anxiety and heat pounding and negative emotions even if i see a word that would spike me. It's hard to get excited about sex but still do, its just when i do sometimes, my OCD tells me i shouldn't like that and gives me negative emotions (despite before getting HOCD i was turned on all the time, but hey OCD wins by telling me even more dumb sh*t).



Actually, I feel pritty good giving out this rant, but I know that in an hour I will feel horrible again because my HOCD will tell me sumthing stupid.



and that is exactly how life is going, I couldnt explain it any better, I know many other girls and guys are going through this hell, Help a sufferer out please?


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I understand bud, its a living hell. You are not gay if you wanted to bang women and know that you still do. I am going through the same problem and it has gotten better however you need to ignore the doubtful thoughts abnd focus on what is real... you liked women before right? no sexual feelings for men ever? ever notice if a man is good looking but feel no lust whatsoever? did you think about girls most of the day and everyday? If you can answer these as a straight man, you are not gay.

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