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I have never done anything like this before - posting onto a forum. Especially about this. However, having gone through this recently I really want to share it with someone as it's been a very private, difficult battle alone and this is me letting go! (how thankful I am for the chance to do so is immeasurable, I can't begin to explain that...)

Having said that - let's give it a shot. I am so thankful for the chance to live my life again WITHOUT HIV that it makes me love every single second of my life right now...I relish in every moment, sometimes to the point I want to weep with happiness at the smallest, most insignificant things.

I have the most incredible husband who has been faithful, loyal, honest, dedicated, genuine, loving and true to me for many years years now - we're in our late twenties.

Last year I screwed up and slept with a married man - three times. I don't know what I was thinking and I don't know why I didn't even consider it then. I can't explain why it happened but it did, I have paid the consequences in the rattling of my sanity. I think the reaction was trauma related as I kind of lost control of my life after a string of unfortunate events.

I didn't play my husband - I thought I fell in love with his opposite. This person nearly ruined my life and thankfully I came around and found my sense of logic and sense once again. In that time I realised he was with a lot of women, it wasn't just me. I found him to be so f@#$^&* depraved and disgusting that I wouldn't have been surprised if he regularly paid for sex or at least had in the past. My mind began to convince itself that he was most certainly unclean.

On top of this, I smoked weed on a regular basis so the paranoia became unbearable and I guess the point is that the guilt manifested in that I was obsessed with having HIV, having infected my incredible and most loyal, amazing and stable husband - I wanted to die. I was thinking about how I would deal with it - would I tell anyone? I decided the plan was that I would tell my mother I needed to fake my death and that she was the only reason I wasn't going to kill myself. I would run away and hide in some far corner of the world and wait for my mom to pass so I could finally kill myself and really run away from what I'd done.

The funny thing is...after about three months of obsession, I had a rapid HIV test done in a chemist, had to sit there for 5 minutes with a nurse and so broke down and told her everything. The test was negative, and yet I spent a further 10 months obsessing. The feeling of this is so incredible you can't begin to explain it unless you've actually been there.

During the 10 month stint, I went for a proper blood test. The nurse knew how desperate I was to know and I kept phoning her - eventually she said it was negative, but somehow convinced myself afterwards that she was only telling me that because she really assumed I was NOT the kind of person to be positive (this relates to the stigma, not my opinion - however, there is a truth to it - I am not meant to have worried about this in my lifetime...this is not part of what the plan was) - also I thought she was just trying to get me to back off. Isn't it amazing what a paranoid and obsessed mind can do to a person?

Anyway, I definitely convinced myself of the symptoms of HIV infection. The day I remembered I DID in fact have very bad flu symptoms about three weeks after the second time I nearly screwed my life up. I don't need to go into it - if you're reading this post you know exactly what I mean.

This has all taught me the incredible power of your mind and I am grateful to be intelligent enough to have the sense to turn it around to my benefit now that I have had a third negative blood result. I can let it go and move on with my life, using the experience of mind power to create the dreams my husband and I have spoken about and will one day experience. I have forgiven myself.

The point of this whole thing is that you are doing more damage to yourself by not just going to get tested (repeatedly if you need to). I know that it's the hardest thing in the world to do - god, the waiting was undeniably the most difficult thing I've ever done. However, the results are worth it - the feeling you have when you are negative and the new, positive approach you have to a life you thought you lost is amazing - it's not worth going through this excrutiating online crusade to try and diagnose yourself or ask doctors or other people online. People study for very many years to diagnose you, and you need to have a blood test for a reason to know if you're HIV positive. Your physical afflictions are not proof of HIV infection, they're either the effect of something else wrong or your mind convincing you of something that is not true.

Get tested and live your life - the mind games we play with ourselves sometimes are brutal. Honestly it's not worth it - use the results to show you how very short life can be, and how very important the people around you are. The other thing is to accept and realise the mental and emotional conditions which occur seemingly "around" the problem, but are inherent and have been there in waiting for ages. Deal with the emotional and psychological aspect of what is causing you to continue to punish yourself by not being tested and letting it go.

This post wasn't really for anyone but me - I am letting it go now, thanks for reading if anyone did :-)

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Yesterday I became convinced I had some form of an STD.

Tonight, I'm convinced it's HIV. I have a doctor's appointment in two days and the wait, the doubt, the possibilities are tearing me apart.

I am 18 and I'm still a virgin. I did have unprotexted oral sex with four different partners but I never thought anything of it until now. If I'm right, I can't imagine living through it. It may sound melodramatic but it will be the end of me.

I can only pray that my mind is playing tricks on me.
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I had unprotected sex with a prostitute a week back . Since then i have fallen ill . i have mild fever . My temperature doesn increase but i can feel I am
hot . I got my self tested 3 days back and it was negative. I am so scared I don know what to do .Everyday i wake up in the morning and reading things about aids and hiv . I am getting all weird kind of symptoms .The day i had sex since then i have been so tensed and nervous . God please save me . I should have nevr done something so stupid like this .Cant blame it on alcohol for doing somethin so stupid ,but ya it did happen . And now I am
suffering and i am paying for it .
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i did the same thing before new years shittt
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My god my story is a replica of yours!!
I can't face the test as a positive would devistate me, I couldn't face my wife, I would rather end it all first!!!!
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I am still waiting to be able to test. I spent the first couple of weeks utterly freaking out and convinced that I had it. Then I was busy and didn't have time to obsess. Tonight I am tired and a little emotional, which always leaves me open to paranoia to be honest, and not only have i noticed a weird mark in my mouth (ulcer?) I have general aches, my lymph nodes on one side of my groin have swollen up and I feel like I am coming down with something. 3.5 weeks after my last possible exposure. So, now again, I am utterly freaking the f*&* out. I am also thinking about what I can do, I have a young daughter so there's no way I could just disappear, she needs me. There again, how the hell am I going to get through the rest of her childhood without being completely obsessed with her catching it from me? How am I going to have that conversation with her? I would tell my parents, but they would be utterly utterly devastated. I would tell a couple of friends, but already I am thinking, who would I tell? Who might judge me or treat me differently?

I'm not going to lie, I went through a somewhat *ahem* freespirited period while I was younger. I had unprotected sex with a number of people. I have tested negative since then and cleaned up my act. However, recently I met someone new and we used a condom which fell off and we stupidly carried on without. After that, the second time we just didn't bother at all...I only say all this because of all the times that I was younger I only once had one fleeting moment of worry that I may have put myself at risk and things turned out fine. Now, I have had 2 encounters that have me completely convinced that I will be HIV+, I am so scared I feel physically sick and want to cry. I got away with it once, I can't believe I'll be so lucky to get away with it again. I am never, ever, EVER putting myself through this again, condoms only until we both have a negative std and hiv test. that's if i manage to get lucky this time and I can't imagine it. I swing between being rational and realising I am being crazy, to jsut get the test and deal with whatever the result is, knowing it's probably going to be negative. On the other side of it, I want to just hide in bed and just get never come out again, so convinced am I that I have it. I really can't get lucky twice, I'm going to pay for my indiscretions this time, I can tell. I know so many people who have unprotected sex and think nothing of it though, and I have done in the past, so I don't know why this time I am so absolutely convinced and obsessed over it. I am half wishing the time would hurry up that I can get the test done and the other half utterly dreading actually getting the result 

COngrats on the negative results though people

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hi i understand some what of the place and time you are in your life.i was very sick with my lungs got hiv from the meds and treatment i was on. my wife of 32 years left me.i am very sorry for your pain.
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how did your test turn out?
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This is exactly, almost to a t, what i'm going through right now. I'm so scared that i'm hiv positive that it's taking it's toll on me. I made mistakes and it never occurred to me to get tested until a year later. I took an in home hiv test and it came back negative. I still can't get the thought out of my head that it may have been a false negative. I'm too scared to have a propper blood test done. I am doing the worst thing I could possibly do, symptom checking and i'm flipping out. I have thought about ending my life if I were to have made my boyfriend sick. I needed to get all of this off my chest and this post has given me some sort of hope. I'm going to take another in home test tomorrow, and if I can't shake the feeling of fear, i'm going to suck it up and go to the doctor's office. Thank you.
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Sounds like youre going through what ive gone through for three years. Ive had 5 blood tests in all, all negative but as soon as that 3 month mark comes around i do something else i deam risky. Im diagnosed as obesessive compulsive and I wake up with hiv being the first thing on my mind every day. I wash my hands constantly because i dont want to get anyone sick. Its a cycle. You want comfort so you go out and get the first girl that will make you feel wanted have sex with a condom and then youre convinced you have hiv. Its really a guilt thing I think. Closest scare i ever had was a girl that said "go get tested i have herpes and they havent told me Which type" it turned out to be a false positive for either type which i guess i beleive because i dont have anything wrong. I guess the point of all this is i just think its pretty messed up that human beings cant have sex without risking their wellbeing. Its made my life miserable. Itll be april before i can get the totally all clear again. If you tested fine at home im sure youre ok.
Heres how big of a freak i am: im going to have the test shipped because i dont want to go to the same aisle that the rest of the people that could be positive have been to. Pretty screwed up but true.
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And on top of that, april will be the last time. I need a life long lady, i need my person that i can trust forever. If God gives me another chance, this is it for me. I wont live like this forever.
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I am also freaking out :( ...I think i have HIV and im scared to go get tested..i got tested 6-7 months ago but came out neg for HIV but came Positive for chlamydia took antibiotics and now i don't have it thank god. So recently i had unprotected sex with this girl Ive known for 3 years now but i dont know who else shes be been messing around with because were not together shes just a friend with benefits type of thing and every time we would have sex i would use protection and just 2 months ago we had unprotected sex cuz i had no condoms :( and now im freaking out! I have a really stiffy neck pain, i get headaches im so scared for my life i dont want to have HIV :(

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Well am tongue tied, don't know what to say because am in the same situation now. i feel like killing my self especially if I look at my small kids and thinking of how they'll grow up. am afraid of yhe test
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Just thought I'd add to this thread.  I too am in a similar situation to those above.  I had protected oral and vaginal sex with a prostitute (I believe the vaginal sex was protected although to be honest I was so drunk I am not 100% sure).  10 days after the possible exposure I started getting really odd symptoms, my left testicle started to hurt very much, and even sitting in a chair was very uncomfortable.  I thought this very odd as I have never had testicle pain before, it was too much of a coincidence to be nothing!  I also had a slight temperature approx a week after exposure for a couple of days.  The end of my willy is now extremely painful when I catch it on my underwear, and I have a small spot formed on the end which hurts when it brushes against my clothing.  I have however had no discharge which is a blessing I suppose.  Anyway 12 days after exposure, due to these unusual symptoms I got myself to the STI clinic, had to wait 4 hours to be eventually tested but I did feel a little better after i had been seen.  They took a swab from the end of my penis and a urine sample.  They are testing for all the usual STIs, chlamidya, gonorrhea, hiv, herpes etc.  Obviously 12 days is not a long time to wait for results to be accurate however I'm hoping it should at least give me an idea if I have chlamidya or gonorrhea.  To complicate matters just one week after my indiscretion my wife found out she is pregnant.

I am now pulling my hair out wondering whether I have caught something, and if so whether I may have passed it onto her and the unborn baby!  Obviously like those above my mind is occupied from waking in the morning to going to bed at night thinking about my symptoms and worrying about ruining the lives of my wife, our new child and myself - I am driving myself mad but can't stop looking up my symptoms on the internet! I am due to get the first round of results back in the next 5 working days, I hope they are all negative at least then it would give me a modicum of peace of mind!

Anyway I have only got the next few days to get through and I will at least then have some idea of what I'm facing.  The thing that makes it even worth is my wife is so excited at the moment and is taking about everything baby-related and all I can think of is what disease I may have passed onto her and the baby!

Anyway I will post back here when my results eventually come through, it does at least provide an outlet, I have nobody else to talk to about it.  I just pray and hope that my mind is playing tricks on me and has magnified the symptoms I am feeling, but the pain in my genitals is very noticeable so I would be very surprised if I haven't caught anything.  I am such an id**t for getting my family into this mess and if I have hurt my wife or new baby I could never forgive myself, but I must be strong for another few days and see what life brings.

To all of those in a similar position, I can only offer my empathy and say to you make sure you get tested, the mind is a powerful thing and can generate symptoms which do not relate to STIs, anxiety and worry can exacerbate any normal body movements and drive you to worry even further, a vicious cycle!  Anyway to all those in the same boat, be strong and get tested, the test results are the only thing you should put any credence to.

 

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Well. Just to post back. Got my results today and they were all negative thanks god. Doctor said ghonerhea and chlamidya results 12 days after exposure were pretty conclusive, but just to make sure I tested again today and have to come back in a week to get final confirmation. Then back for hiv test in 2 months. I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel and this nightmare is drawing to a close. To those just embarking on this long and tortuous journey I can only say you will get there in the end. And chances are heavily in your favour that you have no infection. Even unprotected sex has a very low risk of hiv infection. The majority of other stis are easy to catch but are curable. When waiting for results you will swing between moments of rationality and moments of complete irrationality. However these moments if irrationality will pass, if possible keep your mind occupied with doing things however mundane. And most important of all do not rely on your symptoms. As another poster said above I am in awe of the ability of the mind to cause havoc and convince you you have some infection. I had never had testicle pain or penis soreness before, and therefore I was certain that getting both these things 10 days after exposure was definitely an std. These symptoms were real, my testicles and penis head really did hurt but I now believe these ailments were generated and exacerbated by my mind. I don't know whether I read about these symptoms and then subconsciously my mind generated these symptoms in my body. Under extreme anxiety and constant worry for days on end I believe the mind is able to generate symptoms which you normally would not have. I fully expect the ailments to disappear now that I have had my test results confirming I am negative. So in summary get tested a couple of weeks after exposure, don't convince yourself you have hiv just because you have a temperature a rash and sore testicles, these symptoms have more than likely been brought on by extreme stress. Then once you have negative results get tested again a month or so later, then at the 3 month mark to be absolutely sure. The nhs staff at the jeferiss clins in London where I got tested were extremely helpful and understanding and I can highly recommend going there for testing. Keep well all and try not to worry it is highly unlikely you are infected with an sti, but get tested to make sure.
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