Everything's Breaking/Falling apart

Like I mentioned over a month ago, I have a lump under my left arm. I mentioned it to my Grandmother, who has been a nurse since her early 20s. She didn't seem too concerned, towards me anyways. She changed the subject though. She hasn't made me any appointments to get it checked out either.

Another thing: It seems like I'm disappointing her more and more these days. Early this month, I couldn't remember applying for scholarships for this fall sememester, and she said she shouldn't count on me for much of anything anymore. That made me feel really bad. The feeling I've had since the begining of this year, that things were finally going to go good for me, is gone; I haven't felt it since. I'm so scared something bad is going to happen, I hope I didn't just jinx it. Then, I've waited till the last minute get information/papers for a scholarship, and she's been dogging me about it-stressing me out more than I was. Right now, I feel like crying but I'm also bleeding this week so my emotions are hightened.... :(

I've been getting sensitive sores on/in my vulva/area. The first one I got, back in early January, I thought was from my not being able to shower for a few days (I was visiting a friend I hadn't seen in over a year). Then, during the same week, I visited my aunts, who lived in the same area. I was able to shower there, then I came home a day or two later, still showering daily. Within a few days, it was gone, and I didn't have one for a while. Every once in a while, but now more frequently, I'd get another one. I thought maybe it was from overusing my butterfly kiss, so I didn't use while they were there. They went away. Someone suggested that I buy/use Vagisil on them, but I wasn't able to go to the store, and was too embarrased to buy it anyways. Then what really throws me off is, a couple weeks ago, I got one an inch or so above my anus. What the heck? If I wiped it too hard, the toilet paper came back bloody. What does that mean? Anyone else get these/know what causes them?

Just last night the button on the bottom of my butterfly kiss toy broke-the one that changes the speed of the vibrations. I also have an aqua pocket rocket, but it doesn't quite do the trick. The night I decide it's ok to play, my butterfly breaks. Now I have to buy a new vibrator. I was looking thru options on a site, and found one that caught my eye, like the butterfly did. I have a new delema: if I order it, how would I explain it to my conservative Grandmother if she found it before I did and opened it. I doubt she'd open something that had my name on in, but she'd ask me what I ordered and I don't have a good poker face....I never got "The Talk," but she and my mom had good reasons for not wanting to bring it up. Let just say that there's a reason I have a hard time trusting guys and leave it at that. I guess I could just tell her, saying "Hey, atleast I'm using these and not risking pregnancy." But I don't want her to look at me differently-to be disgusted. She might have already guessed that something was making me happy, but to put it out in the open might be too much. I'd tell my mom about it, but I don't want her to tell anyone else. Though, she didn't seem too bothered about my skinny dipping when my brother wasn't home and it was just me and her. She kinda encouraged it, but I was embarrased and put my suit back on and haven't swam in my "birthday suit" since. She skinny dipped when she was my age, so she didn't see a problem. I'm thinking of waiting till I go back to school in August, but I don't think I could go a whole thirty days without a vibrating toy...How/should I explain my self to my Granmother?

Two of my friends know about me masturbating, but one doesn't like to talk about it. The other used to "borrow" her one of her mom's glass dildos, but hasn't used it in a while. She (the "borrower") said that I'm her hero for buying a couple of toys when she doesn't have the courage to. That made me blush, but I was pleased at hearing that I'm somebody's hero, even if for a "wierd" reason. She said she was planning on asking her mom for it, or something like that, this summer. Not that I'm a lesbian, but I've seriously thought of buying her a vibe...but I don't know how she'd react. I think she'd really like one, but again, I don't want it being taken the wrong way. Make sense?

I'm from a very, very conservative family. I know most people my age have been masturbating for years, but I just "discovered myself" a few months ago.

Anyways...Help Please? Advice? Soon/quickly.

I know I kinda wrote a "novella" but I have a lot of things on my mind.