Feeling depressed after stopping the birth control pills?

I wanted to see a natropathic doctor but none of the ones near me take my insurance and it's like $300/visit. I made an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow though. All in all, I'm doing a little better the last few days. I don't feel the high but I don't feel the low either. I'm not obsessing over my thoughts. I'm not having many terrible thoughts either.. And those I do get, I can easily dismiss. But I still can't feel the love for my boyfriend 100%. I can a little though. I'm hoping I don't have another setback... at least for awhile. Something feels a little different this time so hopefully that's a good sign. I just feel slightly more normal. But I'm upset that my feelings aren't 100% back. I always beat myself up on good days if I'm not 100% instead of just acknowledging even a slight improvement. I have to start giving myself credit for my improvements. And I have to remind myself that if these thoughts were real, there would have been no improvements over these past six months. I'd be worse, not better.

Speaking of improvements, since my head is a little clearer, I'm able to notice them more. I'm remembering more and more OCD/negative thoughts that I used to have a few months ago that I have completely forgotten about. And even better, when I remembered them, the thoughts got zero reaction from me. They didn't bother me at all! Hopefully I can get to that point with the major/recurring thought I have struggled with over the last six months (the "you don't love your boyfriend" thoughts). All my thoughts have always centered around my relationship but the love one is the one I can't seem to completely get rid of. Hopefully I will soon! And hopefully I can feel the love 100% soon too!

$300/visit?!?! Holy c**p! Maybe naturopathic isn't what she is... I just call my Dr. that because she uses natural supplements hahaha! Technically she's a chiropractor that also practices Nutritional Response Testing. My visits are $35 each and I'm pretty sure that's standard. My insurance doesn't cover it either. So if you can find someone in your area that does Nutritional Response Testing then you'll be getting the same type of care I am! Are you in the US? If so what part? I can try and help you find someone if you'd like :)

Don't feel too bad about not feeling the love 100% for your boyfriend. Of all the symptoms I had coming off of BCP, it was the "in love" feeling that took the longest to return. And even when I believed it was back completely a few weeks ago, I've been surprised lately by how much more in love I feel even now. It'd been so long, I guess I'd forgotten what it felt like.



Anyway, it sounds like you're coping really well with your symptoms. I especially like the part where you said you'd be worse, not better, if it truly wasn't the hormones.

slawson: thanks! i'll look into nutritional response testing. i live in NY (long island).

Jennifer: it definitely helps to know that the love takes the longest to come back. that's the biggest fear i've had through all of this: that i fell out of love. but the whole thing has been so irrational. ever since i stopped birth control, my thoughts are so extreme (besides being negative and obsessional). it's like, "You don't love him and therefore you have to break up with him now." There's no normal reasoning like that I have to work on my reaction to things or that relationships have ups and downs or that no relationship is perfect. Instead it's, "He's annoying you. That means you don't love him. Break up now." And it's even more challenging since I'm always so cranky post-pill and everything annoys me. But I'm trying to get through it and hold onto the good days. My boyfriend is constantly the same (wonderful) person, which is great because that in itself shows me that it's just my hormones because one day, I love everything about him and the next day those same things annoy me. Oh well. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm getting better. Our relationship wouldn't have made it through these last six months post pill if there wasn't tremendous love there. If I didn't love him, I'd have kept getting worse and it wouldn't have lasted. Instead, I am slowly but surely improving. And those moments of clarity where the love bursts through me... I live for those.

My anxiety is a little higher this morning but my period is finally here (1 week late) so that's not too shocking. This is gross but it feels like my menstrual blood is a different consistency during and post-pill. It's more watery. I don't know if this is just me.

Anyway, I think one of my problems with this question of love and the anxiety over it is that I've never been in love before so I have nothing to compare it to. I don't know what's normal. I've always pushed love and people away in the past and this is the first person I've let in. So during that alone time, I think I built love up in my mind to be this crazy, passionate thing.. like in the movies. I built it up to be infatuation, not love. And once the infatuation phase died down between us (kick-started by quitting birth control), it freaked me out that something was wrong. True love isn't infatuation. I'm glad it's not. Love is much more peaceful and comforting. I'm glad for it, I just want to feel it again!

Ibelieveinus how long have you been off birth control and what symptoms have you had and which ones are still there

IBelieveInUs: I did a quick google search and found this doctor: countyseatchiropractic .com - they do exactly what I get done and it works wonders (even before all this craziness with the pill happened - she got rid of my seasonal allergies and sinus headaches without any drugs!) My period stopped this morning, so it only lasted 2 days, but I'll take what I can get! My menstrual blood was really thick and dark (sorry for TMI), probably because I hadn't had one in so long. I'm feeling better mentally... its so weird because when I start feeling better I get a thought that because I'm not reacting to these negative thoughts that it means that they're true. Its like my crazy post-pill mind doesn't want me to get better =/ But I just labeled that thought as anxiety and went on with my day!

Ibelieveinus,

Yea, infatuation versus true love can be tricky. While you do, on occasion, feel that intense love that makes you googly eyed. For the most part, I've found true love to be much like working alongside your favorite partner in class. Maybe that's a bad analogy, but that's how I see it. We have fun working on our relationship together. We enjoy talking for hours about nothing or just sitting for hours in silence comfortably. We trust in each other completely and are respectful. I may not have butterflies in my stomach every minute I'm with him, but there's always that random moment that reminds me just how much we were made for each other.

I too used to push people and love away, so I understand a bit of what you feel. I had pretty much given up on ever trusting men again when I fell in love with my husband. He was a long-time friend and it still took him several months to break down my walls. My infatuation phase wore off before my BCP fiasco. However, for some reason, I kept equating true love with infatuation while I was depressed. It wasn't until I returned to my old self that I realized how much my expectations were off.

Thank heaven true love isn't infatuation, otherwise, we wouldn't have made it this far with the men in our lives :) Infatuation would have led us all to give up long ago, but love sticks with it during the hard times and perseveres.

Thanks for the info, SLawson! I went to an acupuncturist last night who specializes in hormonal imbalances. She's also a certified natropathic and is certified in psychiatry. The session was really informative and relaxing. The only problem is, I feel worse since my treatment! I had been having such a good week -- The most normal week every -- And now I feel miserable again. I read that acupuncture can make you feel worse before you feel better. I hope that's the case. I hate this feeling. And even though I try to remember the good/decent days, it's hard right now when I'm feeling like this. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day.

On days like these, being with my boyfriend is tough. He's so sweet and it makes me feeling guilty for being such a moody lunatic. I wish I could be happy and be the person that he deserves. I wish I could be the happy, carefree person that I want to be. I really hate days like this. They're consuming and unbearable.

Jen: I like what you said about infatuation and I agree. True love is what keeps us going strong and sticking around. I think our reaction to this anxiety alone shows how strong our love for our boyfriends/husbands is. But it's so hard to grasp these rational things on the bad days. Instead, it's like my mind locks up and I just want out. I immediately put my walls back up and withdraw. And I hate every second of it. I don't want to feel this way!

IBelieveInUs: I'm so sorry you feel worse after the acupuncture... I can totally relate with you. Since last week I was PMSing bad, I could hardly enjoy the spa day that my sister-in-law took me on. I had been looking forward to it for so long and I think built up this fantasy in my mind that it would take away all the stress of my upcoming wedding and lower my anxiety. Well, since I was PMSing I was really anxious and couldn't fully relax because my mind kept running and then I would stress because I wasn't calming down and enjoying it. Luckily I got tired half way through my massage and finally started to relax a little bit, but I think in a way we expect these things to work wonders and work instantly and put to much stress on ourselves. I'm sure it will help you in time - I've heard nothing but good things about acupuncture! Just keep breathing and try and relax - you WILL be back to normal and all the thoughts you are having are not true. I'm finally feeling a little better, and I realized yesterday that my period wasn't over with, so that makes me happy! I think my body needed a good, long period to balance out. I hope you feel better soon! Keep your head up :)

Hi girls,

If someone could write back that would be really great. I'm off the pill now five months and things have gotten better but I'm two weeks late on my period and for the past week straight all of my negative feelings toward my boyfriend have come back it's like when we are having a laugh and he is messing I just cant seem to have a laugh I feel numb. My sex drive as gone too. Today has been the worse my anxiety is worse today and the negative thinking is worse I dont know what to do girls!

Can someone please write back xxx

Hang in there! You know that it's your hormones, especially since your period is late! You're in full-on PMS mode probably until you get it, so just hang in there and remember that none of those negative thoughts are real - just brush them off. You know the real you. If you really didn't love him you wouldn't get upset at those thoughts - and this doesn't mean that if you don't get upset sometimes that they are real, it just means your anxiety is getting better. All last week I thought I was going downhill again and that something was really wrong with me, but it was because I was PMSing and it was just bad because our hormones are screwed up. Keep your head up, your feelings will return and all of this will be a distant memory in the future :)



I was feeling better, but today has proven to be a blah day. I just can't concentrate very well so it makes work tough to get through =/ I just feel like I need to go home and take a nap even though I got a perfectly good night's sleep. Hormones suck!!!!!

Hormones really do suck! I'm having a miserable morning. Had a dream that I was dating someone other than my boyfriend and now my mind is obsessing over it. My mind keeps telling me I want someone more exciting and dangerous since this whole bcp hormonal disaster. My boyfriend is so loving and genuine. He's the most wonderful, caring, attentive person that I've ever known. I'm so lucky that he puts up with me! But since birth control (and after) it's like my mind is rejecting that comfort and wants something more unstable. I refuse to let it win but I wish my mind would stop bullying me. I really feel lousy since acupuncture. I spoke to my doctor and she said it's very common to feel worse before better and that the fact that I'm having a reaction (even a negative one) is a sign that it's working. I hope so! I feel so miserable. I miss my relationship and the love and comfort that I used to feel every day. It's such a distant memory now that it doesn't even feel real anymore. It's like all I remember is the negative. It breaks my heart.

I've had some dreams too.... Good ones and bad ones. I once dreamt that my nd broke up with me.. and I woke up crying. I ran out to him in the living room and told him I had a bad dream. He swooped me up in to his lap and held me. That was a moment that I realized I still love him more than anything. Also, just having that reaction to the dream was comforting. But I've also had dreams that he's not in, or I'm with someone else and I over analyze it.... Like its my true feelings. I wake up anxious from those and feeling miserable.

Hey girls,

I too once had a dream where I was with someone else. It was extremely disturbing. I analyzed it as well, over-analyzed it really. If my emotions hadn't been out of whack due to the hormones, I would've woken up, remembered how much I loved my husband, and moved on. Unfortunately, my emotions were all over the place. So instead, I woke up, didn't feel the love (as usual), and obsessed over every detail in the dream. I kept thinking to myself, "I always dream how I really feel, this must be telling me it's how I really feel". Well, that was true at the time. Back then, I wasn't feeling the love hardly ever, if at all. So it makes sense that my dream manifested itself in that way. Also, our dreams (at least mine) tend to capture our largest fears. Looking back, I think that's what spurred the dream. I was deeply scared that I would never feel the love again, and that I would end up with someone else. Of course that didn't happen, so my biggest fears weren't realized.

I think it's so very important to talk to your boyfriends every time you feel down. I know, you feel guilty doing it, but you will feel worse if you don't, because then you feel like you're keeping a secret by hiding it from him. And if he's anything like my husband, he wants to know how I feel, even if I feel negatively toward him every day for a month, he truly wanted to know. Another thing, if he's anything like my husband, he probably knows you better than you know yourself, especially right now when you don't feel like your "old self". Often times, I just had to put complete trust in my husband, that I did love him, and that it would return. 

I agree that talking to our boyfriends about it helps. Unfortunately, I feel like it's all my boyfriend and I ever talk about and I feel bad about that. The problem is he can read me so well. A slight change in voice or movement and he knows something is wrong. I swear, sometimes he knows how upset I am before I even realize it, lol. It's a good problem to have -- I'm so thankful and amazed by how attentive he is. But I still can't stop obsessing over the fact that he's secretly bothered by me always rambling about it. He tells me time and time again that he's happy to listen and he wants to help but I just seem to keep convincing myself that it'll eventually push him away. Add it to the list of my irrational and unfounded obsessions. 

It seems so clear to me (when I'm being rational for a second) that we all seem to have a form of postpartum depression but a form that's directed at our boyfriends instead of our babies. It infuriates me that doctors refuse to acknowledge this side effect. One of the biggest problems I have is that I can't fully convince myself it's hormonal and not real. It'd help so much to know this was a documented side effect and a real sickness. I read in my anxiety and phobia book (book on Amazon - highly recommend!) that OCD negative thoughts and obsessions wax and wane with depression. So it makes total sense that we're having all of these horrible thoughts (OCD) and not able to feel the love (depression). And what's more  frustrating is that the two play off each other so one causes increased severity in the other and vice versa. I obsess over the negative thought of not loving my boyfriend and I can't feel the love because of depression which makes the obsession/thought feel true which then spikes my OCD and back and forth. Ugh! 

Jennifer: Something you said was very interesting -- That at the time, the love wasn't there. That's okay -- You had a hormonal imbalance that temporarily kept you from feeling the love. I think it'd help me a lot to understand that. To realize that it's okay that I feel like this right now and that it's just temporary and that my boyfriend and I will get through it. I think this would help a lot instead of freaking out that the feelings aren't there and thinking that it means my relationship is doomed and that I have to leave ASAP. I feel like bottling that up just makes it worse. I should just acknowledge that the feelings aren't the same as they used to be right now because of this hormonal sickness that I'm going through and that they'll be back once I recover and heal. 

I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully the second session will go better than the first. I also made some notes of some new vitamins to take. Trying to stay positive but it's hard. Each day that passes is a day closer to recovery. Trying to remind myself of that!