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This is my first time ever posting on the internet, but I promised myself that would after my last obsessive episode about HIV/AIDS. First off, there no way I can state how thankful I am to be able to live my life without HIV/AIDS and be given yet another opportunity out of MANY to stay negative. 

      I lost my virginity when I was 18 and since then I've had sex with around 24 people both protected and unprotected with both people I've known and have not known. I am 22 now. Why is that important? Because when I went and got tested yesterday the lady gave me the same look most people would give a young women my age...that same shaming face an someone gives you when you show up to church late or the teacher gives you when you don’t turn in your homework. I know this face well because I've experienced it many times. Its the face my doctor gave me when I tested positive for chlymidia, gonerreah, and Herpes. This look means all the same thing, this woman has no respect for herself, she must have low self-esteem, she is the "type" of person to have an std: young, female, black, and promiscuous. 

To extent some things were true, I struggle with my self-esteem and self- worth, especially when I was younger. This has led me to do many things I did not want to do. I focused more on pleasing others than caring for myself and have had many more unwanted than desired sexual encounters as a result. But those who do not know my story assume that I am just wild and promiscuous, judge me but have no idea what I've been through. Though I've been judged by many, no one has been a harsher judge and critic to me than myself.

I did not like me. I was not happy with me nor compassionate with me. I hated the things I've done to myself in the past and the things I put myself through. This judgment and hate manifested into an obsession with HIV/AIDS. Because so much has happened to me that I felt was my fault, I felt two of the most destructive feelings in human nature, shame and guilt. I couldn't forgive myself and let me off the hook; I punished myself and hung my past mistakes over my head by becoming obsessed with HIV and convincing myself I was bound to have it or even deserved to get it.

I was literally obsessed. I researched every possible symptom and convinced m self that I had EVERY symptom. the flu like illness, diarreah, swollen lymph nodes, rash, fever, EVERYTHING. I harassed my current and past partners about their statuses and lectured them on the dangers of HIV/AIDS. I talked the heads off of my friends and became paranoid and irritable. I assumed that any sexual encounter I had existed for the sole purpose of giving me HIV. I was emotionally wrecked. After almost every sexual encounter I would have an obsessive episode for weeks until I got tested. Sex would happen again then lather rinse and repeat. One thing I learned from all of my online crusades (besides a heck of alot about HIV/AIDS lol) the problem is not really the HIV, it’s the dysfunctional emotional patterns lying beneath it.

The truth about catching HIV/AIDS is that if you are not meant to worry about it in your lifetime you WILL NOT have it. No matter how hard you try or don't try nothing will be if it is not meant to be so your time spent obsessing over it is wasted and not constructive. Its very likely that you don't have it considering that it is not as easy to catch statistically. The damage you do to yourself by obsessing is immeasurable. You literally cause yourself to be sick. Your ‘symptoms’ are absolutely NOT proof of an infection. I know because I’ve had almost everyone in the book. You must get tested to be absolutely sure and to stop the obsessiveness.  Most of all the real problem is likely not the HIV it is the mental tapes of your "short comings" playing in your head telling you that your're a horrible, promiscuous, dirty person which is neither true about you or a person who actually has HIV/AIDS. Your obsession, Like mine, is because of a lack of love for self. Not being a friend to yourself and letting you off the hook.

No one is perfect, and I wanted to share my story for my healing and because most of the stories I see about HIV scares and positive results are from people who aquired HIV or had a scare in some "honorable" way from their filthy cheating spouse, lover, boyfriend. Or someone who followed all the "rules" but got burned by a mean person. This alienates everyone else who has made mistakes, had less than "perfect" sex lives or who doesn't fit into the status quo. Relationships are complex, humans are complex, and by telling people they have HIV or going to aqquire HIV because they don't fit into some perfect monogamous, complex free life is absurd.

The main purpose of this post, although I hope it helps others, is for me. I forgive myself for my past mistakes. I Forgive myself for not loving me in the past knowing that I was doing the best that I could with what I had at the time. I forgive myself for not doing everything I could to protect from the stds I caught and letting others need exist over mine. Im letting it go and im going to live my life. If you struggle with the same thing I hope that you are able to forgive yourself and move on, with or without HIV. 

love 

the young  promiscuous black girl. 

 

 

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good attempt at trying to justify you were a thot but not anymore lol
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This is funny. I hope that you feel better since you had to go all the way and read my long post just to give an insult. I'd rather be a "thot" than a internet troll.
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A person who isn't promiscuous wouldn't get all those STIs, of course they looked at you like that, because your the stereotypical usual case. You are lucky for not getting HIV, other irresponsible "child-minded" adults weren't so lucky
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I am glad you are in a better place! Being honest with yourself and forgiving has helped you come a long way. I understand that some people say negative things to you, but they don't understand or have been through what you have. Hopefully you continue to look at yourself in a positive light. We all make mistakes ~ Not all of us learn from them.

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Wow i wish you abd i could chat sometime every word you wrote is like story of my life ive slept with 25 guys or so and im 21.. I woukdnt say im premiscuous but i am pretty (not concieded just deffff kt ugly) i was an ugky duckling growing up then 9th grade comes around and all of a sudden, all the boys love me and all the good hate me. Can't makeareal friend to this day. Im a super nice person so anyone who's turned down my friendship.. Well its their loss! Hehe :b well my name is savvy your post was over a year ago but maybe you'll see this somehow!
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A very good read.
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Thank you so much for this. The last paragraph made me cry and is my new mantra. Seeing the other people comments didn’t help tho. But also reminded me that only people who’ve been through this understand it. I’ve been trying to figure out why I keep putting myself into situations that I later torture my self over. I realize now. Love you.
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