Ok. It's been quite a while since I last wrote anything here. Things have change a lot since then.
For instance, I came to this forum initially after an erectile dysfunction episode. It was not the first time it happened to me, so I decided to do something about it. Things turned out very good, and I stopped worrying about it for a couple of months.
But now I'm feeling weird again, and I need help. Or at least let it go out from my chest.
Brief background: I'm turning 29 next month, straight male, only a few relationships in the past (nothing but serious and commited in all cases), along with sexual unfulfillment and toxic behavious, et cetera.
I became single again in October 2012. I ended up particulary embittered and disappointed after that experience, to the extent of deciding to avoid any kind of relationship from then until further notice. I chose, instead, to spoil myself and start to be a little more selfish, specially when it comes to sexual satisfaction.
I began visiting escorts in January this year. That's when my ED issues kicked in. I went to an urologyst's; he prescribed me sildenafil; I gave it a try; everything resulted ok. In fact, after a couple of encounters, I gained enough confidence so that I gave up the "blue magic pill".
Well, here's the thing: suddenly, a few days ago, I noticed I was feeling sort of indifferent towards sex. I was lacking the excitement and the enthusiasm I felt before visiting a commercial sex worker. It was like some kind of boredom. Oh yeah, sex still felt good, but it wasn't fueled by a burning desire anymore. Not to mention that, in the meantime, I was (and I am) feeling indifferent towards girls and women in general.
I mean... Just to leave it clear:
I was resentful about relationships, and had no interested in meeting and dating anyone. But at least I could turn to escorts everytime I needed some action. Now, it's neither a thing nor the other. I don't feel like hanging out with girls, and I don't feel like visiting a prostitute.
Yesterday, I went to an escort's. And it was actually a dull experience. I couldn't connect to myself, neither to that current space and time, or even to her. I had some difficult achieving an erection. All I could get was a sluggish one, enough to penetrate her. I didn't last too long and it didn't feel that good. Getting ready for a second round was just impossible.
All of this made me think and kept me thinking.
Since my last broke up, I lost all interest in any kind of relationship whatsoever. From being in a couple to a one-night stand. I just can't see the point to it. And also, if relationships are like the ones I had in the past, thank you but no. I find myself unable to imagine that it is indeed possible to have a better, healthier and fulfilling relationship than those I've been through.
To be honest, the escort I met yesterday didn't match my expectatives. There was no chemistry. There wasn't that special spark. At first, I thought of escorts as the best alternative, because it would spare me both headaches and heartaches. It was something new. But now it's like finding out that there's not much to it than what it is. It became routine.
I guess I'm assuming the wrong approach. Having sex with escorts used to be fun. But I think I became sort of obsessed. I left doing for fun, and started to do it because of its alleged benefits, i.e. in order to gain practice, to gain confidence, to relieve stress, to stop ruminating (something I do almost 24/7), even to make myself more attractive to girls and women (you know, the idea that being sexually active reflects in your looks and makes you more desirable; which is funny, because: why should I want attention from the opposite sex since I'm not interested in anyone), et cetera. There were plenty of reasons for having sex, except sex itself. I even started to look up online what is the average sexual frequency for single males in their later 20's/early 30's, and tried to catch up with that number.
Now I've got to this point where I don't know what I want. I feel sexually frustrated again, questioning my self-confidence, my manhood, my traits as a person, my skills as a lover, and blaming myself for not meeting my standards. I'm afraid I can't get in touch with my true emotions, like if they were buried so deep inside of me. I think I'm unable to have access to them. In order to avert making the same mistakes I made in the past, I came to discover that I don't know what's my type. There are plenty of girls out there, but although I look, I can't see. Not knowing what's your type it's the same as if it didn't exist.
And even when I find a girl somewhat attractive, I keeping wondering why should I go and talk to her. Online dating sites, for example, became boring in that very sense. Most of those profiles say nothing to me. But if it happens to be a couple that are fairly intriguing, I become lazy and don't do anything at all. I get exhausted beforehand by just picturing myself starting a chat (you know: what's your name, what's your age, where are you from, et cetera, the whole routine). And I'm talking about online dating. Now transfer this to a diary, face to face/in the flesh, situation. No chance.
Yes, it's like my emotions shut down entirely, as far as I can tell. Sex with escorts used to be big deal. Now, it's almost devoid of any meaning. I say "almost" because there is something remaining, although it's a negative meaning. For instance, during foreplay, I get so uptight if they touch my penis with their hand, either I have my pants on or not. I would be hard at the moment, but when I see their hand reaching out for it, I think something like "What if they touch it and it's not hard enough for them?", and then I lost my erection right away. Also, among all the stuff that crosses my mind in during that time, I think of how other men treat the girl I'm with, in terms of performance. It drives me crazy to know that there surely are guys who bang the hell out of them, and I'd love to have that vigor and sexual strenght, and I hate not to have it, and I hate to believe I don't have it, and I hate to be so insecure, because I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else and concentrate in enjoying instead.
Maybe I do have connection with my emotions, although they are the negative ones. The point is... What should I do? Where am I standing? What is happening to me?
Phew! That was quite long, and now I don't think any of you would reply or even read this message. But I'll be very glad and thankful if someone does. And sorry if it sound so confusing, I can't stop my racing thoughts.