Hi. This is not my first topic. Hope I'll find this one as helpful as the others.
Long short story: I ended up a three months relationship on October last year. It was meant to be a serious relationship. Didn't work out. I tend to get involved with people who are -let's say- "not right in the head". Girls who have some heavy undisclosed issues, and tend to play mind games and that kind of destructive stuff.
So I decided to cut it off for good, start having fun and stop seeing serious relationships as the one and only way to have sex.
I went to a coulpe of escorts since January, on a quite regular basis. Once per month. I learnt a lot of sexual things which were totally new to me. And also I had the time of my life. I enjoyed myself like never before. And maybe for the first time in my life. I had a not so memorable one night stand with a lady I met, not an escort, but still it was a better experience than any other I could have had with any of my ex's.
Yet... Last Thursday I went to a new escort's. And then something happened. I don't want to say I felt in love. But I never felt so shocked by anyone before. I had my crushes in the past, but they all were platonic loves, so to say. Now, not only she shook me up from head to toes, but also we had the BEST SEX I could ever have dreamed of. This left me with the need for seeing her again. I can't get her out of my head.
Again, I know that I'm confusing romantic feelings with mere "hornyness". And I'm well aware, too, that I should never do such a stupid thing as falling in love with an escort.
But this experience put me face to face with something I can't deny: I'd love to be with someone who I really like, and with whom we could have so much fun together. No mind games. No cheating. Just a healthy relationship, without hurrying things up. I remember one of my ex's, who began to think about our children's names after the very first month of being dating!
The thing is... I'm afraid of not finding that kind of person. Everywhere I look, there's no one I feel atracted too. And I have this stupid prejudice towards any girl who looks half interesting to me: the first thing I think about her is "Probably she is a basket case with psychopathic tendencies and a demanding character", blah blah blah. I'm in no way a mysoginist. Actually, I hate myself for thinking like that. But that's what I ever learnt from experience: that every girl I happen to meet is a destructive heartless psycho.
It's so funny but also so sad to get along so well with the wrong person. I mean, that escort I've been with. She was doing her job, yes. But she treated me with a tenderness and a sweetness that no one ever showed me before. She seemed to really care about me. She was concerned about my comfort, and she even said that I'm a very (she stressed that word) good looking and very cool guy. She said something like: "If I'd met you outside, I wouldn't think it twice before asking you out". It really shocked me when she said I was cute and handsome and the like, to the extent that she asked me: "Did no one ever tell you before?" Answer is: no, except for my ex's.
It kept me thinking about all this stuff. What if there's some else out there that finds me -if not HOT- at least interesting? How can I found it out? Why should they be heartless and mean instead of sweet and caring? Why should I convince myself that the only way that I can get laid is being with an escort? How can I do to meet someone new, someone who is worth it, someone I can have fun toghether and who won't leave a bitter memory in my mind?
I just don't know what to do.