I think that the only way I may feel better or at least find out why i'm the way I am is to open my mind and let it out. Now I've already made a post to find out if I have a mental disorder, but I'm not really getting any answers.
I can't exactly pinpoint my problems and I can't seem to separate reality from fantasy. I don't take drugs, I don't smoke and I don't drink anymore and yet it seems to be getting worse.
I've tried to talk to friends, family even my partner what I'm going through but in the end it's like a big joke so then I treat it like a joke and feel even worse and wondered why I even tried talking.
I continuously think about death, suicidal thoughts are like an everyday ritual, but I haven't tried killing myself for a while now, only thoughts run through my mind. Wanting to cut my wrists, run infront of a car or bus, slit my throat I could go on but I won't.
When I was 15 I was completely rebellious, bunking school, sneaking out, partying sounds pretty normal for a teen right? But I guess I did it to feel special or loved. See I never grew up with my parents they ditched me practically and I was raised by mum's parents.
Now I would say that I was spoilt being the eldest granchild in the family, but even then there were issues. I lived across from the front gates of a cemetary, I would play over there for fun, I guess that's where I started seeing things. I would always see a man looking figure in my room when it was night and my lights were off, if I turned them on it would vanish but when they were off it was still there. I tried telling my family but they just laughed so I never talked about it again.
When I was young I was fascinated with sex. I would watch the pornographic late night adds that were on tv wishing I was like them. When I played games with other kids they always involved something to do with being tortured, which still is an arousing thought today. Like I said I have issues.
When I was 10 I moved in with my mum who i had not known since about age 3 (even then I wouldn't of really known her). She had had a son since me and I didn't know how to take it as he had known her more than I did. I never got on with mum, we constantly fought with each other, she would say how she only wanted my brother. I felt alone. Before moving there my grandad had a breakdown or something and went completely bonkers. He had a argument with my teacher at school, then with my granma, then the neighbours because I was taken there away from the arguing and he came and kidnapped me and took me down the street then when we came back the police were there and took him away.
When I was 15 I tried leaving mum's so many times bacause I couldn't stand her as much as she couldn't stand me, it was my granparents that kept me there. Around that time I had a lot of boyfriends and went through them one after the other so I wasn't single very long, and felt loved even if it was for a little while. I was used a lot and used them a lot to get what I wanted so realistically both parties got what wanted. Some of them I thought we would have a future but never worked out. I had been engaged three times within six months (before my current relationship), the last one broke me but I should've know he wouldn't leave his missus and found out he had a lot of girlfriends (jerk).
My current relationship is constantly struggling and I don't know why we stay together. I know I cause a lot of problems for him and that i've cheated on him within a year of being together, but I found it hard trying to have a committed relationship because of all the hurt I went through when I did fall in love with the others. He asked me to marry him not long after we got together and yes I accepted but I also felt like I was going to be betrayed again. My ex screwed our relationship up because I cheated with him and I went back to my current partner where he found out and we argued and I got a black eye for it. He never got over what I had done and we always argue about it and it 6yrs since it happened. I really love my fiance but I feel that we will always be arguing and can't move on and I don't want that the rest of our lives after we get married.
I've always believed I had a mental problem as to why I always am the way I am.
So as I put it in another post which would help if I got told I did have a mental issues then may be everything can change and move forward instead of backwards all the time.
Can't sleep, stumbled onto your post and I'm glad I did. First off, I think it is awesome that you are honestly looking at yourself and courageously asking if you have a mental problem. From what I've heard, this is the first step to getting help-admitting that you need it. I'd like to just try to identify your concerns in the order you mention them: Can't separate reality from fantasy, suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempts, hallucinations, sexual promiscuity-(looking for love through sex), and troubled relationships with family members and others. Did I get them all?
I am so sorry you've had so much difficulty and conflict in your family life. I am sorry you are in so much pain and confusion. You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful person who has a desire to face her difficulties head-on.
I am not a professional mental health person, so I, of course, can't diagnose your mental health issue. The only mental illness I have experience with is Bipolar Disorder because at least 3 of my family members have it. In their cases, they deal with either deep depression or mania, (really racing thoughts), or going back and forth between the two. There have been two suicides which have just been horrific for our family. My hope and prayer is that you are able to get help and NOT choose suicide. In two case, the symptoms of Bipolar started appearing in teenage years and we thought it was as you say, typical teenage behavior, but both girls had times they couldn't tell reality from fantasy, times when they had fierce anger at family members and especially their Moms, and turbulent relationships with boys. One girl committed suicide, the other got help through counseling and medications and now runs her own massage therapy business, and has a long term relationship with a really nice guy. She stays in counseling, meeting with someone a couple times a month, I believe, and has worked with the therapist to deal with her feelings about her childhood and especially her Mom. She's learning skills to deal with her illness.
I'm not saying you are necessarily Bipolar, I'm just telling you my experience so you can see if it matches up to yours. Some other illness you might want to explore are Personality Disorder, (there are several kinds-for example, Borderline Personality Disorder) and Schizophrenia. Since you have computer access, I'd suggest looking these up and see if any fits what you feel and experience. Do you or your parents have health insurance?
Before my family members got sick with Bipolar, I knew almost nothing about it and sadly, I thought people with mental illnesses all lived in mental hospitals. I was just uninformed like so many people. I now know that there are many, many people with these conditions and that does not make them scarry or inferior or someone to laugh at. If you do have a mental illness, you are not alone. And it IS an illness, like diabetes is an illness, it just happens to be a mental one. Some illnesses are caused by an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain, so that's why medication can work. Counseling can help a person release stuck feelings and help sort out their thought processes.
Take care of yourself. I think you will do that because you seem honest and willing to take responsibility for yourself. Hopefully you will learn that even though romantic love and sex feel good and can be addicting, they are temporary fixes and don't get at the root cause of your pain and needs. I would make it a priority to find some way to get counseling. There are free groups you can attend to talk about your feelings. Can you think of someone you could ask about free counseling programs?
I will be thinking about you. I am new to this website and not really familiar with how it works, but will try to watch for your future posts.
Take care of your good self. Please don't give up. You are doing such a positive thing by looking for answers.
As I said I can't seem to separate fantasy and reality. As far as I know i've always had this problem. Like I said I grew up across from a cemetary and would see a shadow figure of a man (not that I know whether living form a cemetary has anything to do with it). I saw this figure when I was growing up and I think that's where my sexual liking started spiking. Now I don't know if most of my life really happened or I made it up.
The figure which I refered to as 'Shadow Man' would appear in my room, I always thought I was dreaming especially when i would turn the light on and he wasn't there, but returned when I turned the light off. He became real one night when he went past a bookshelf of mine and the books that were neatly stacked on it were knocked off and scattered across the floor.
I know I will sound competely insane talking about this but I can't understand what's wrong with me and I can't take it anymore. The worse thing that could happen to me would be suicide but even i'm scared to do that.
Growing up with Shadow Man turned to a sexual nightmare I started to believe he was a ghost from the cemetary and he was after me. Everything would seem like a real nightmare. A few events, the Shadow Man raped me and it was the most horrific violent experience i'd been through. I couldn't stop him, I couldn't scream, I had no control of my body as if it was all supernatural.
I haven't told anyone about this except my partner, but I don't even think he believes me and thinks I have issues.
In the other post 'Do I have a Mental Disorder?' I have mentioned some things I have read about mental disorders and compared to what i'm going through but not as thorough as i'm doing now.
Suicidal Thoughts & Attempts:
Like I mentioned, I always have thoughts of suicide and how I would take my life. I've even planned how I want my funeral. I've OD a few times when its been hard and i've had a fight with my partner. I've even encouraged him to help kill me sometimes. I've tried stabbing myself, ateempted to slit my wrists (which surprisingly I haven't scarred yet), I have a fascination with blood, I claw myself just so I can bleed.
Would that tie in with Fantasy?
I believe I have a personality disorder as I have what is like another version of me who I would always lose control of and I believe it's her fault i'm like this.
I would dream about her, see her when i'm awake and when i'm having a down day. When she takes over I black out and can't remember what happens.
Besides my fantasy which I mentioned earlier, I would say that I was back then looking for love through sex.
When I was young my first childhood boyfriend and I (about the age of 4-6) hid in an old water barrel thing where we both took our pants off and kissed each other's 'privates'. I don't know what started it but that's what happened.
When I was 10ish on holiday with my family, a cousin of mine exposed his self to me when we played hide and seek and I hid under a blanket (I think I was 7-10yrs old).
When I moved in with my mum I always thought about sex and marriage with kids and hoped that it would happen to me.
When I became 15 I had numerous relationships, whether it be in person, online or text/calling, there was always someone. My first boyfriend since I moved in with my mum was shorter than me and everyone said we were a cute couple, we hooked up on my 15th and lasted a couple months due to a crush I had on my neighbour (which I had a crush on since I was 10) turned into a relationship the same day I was dumped by the other guy.
In the new relationship I wanted affection and loc=ve and he just wanted sex (which never happened). During my time with him I also had a text Boyfriend which I was very sexually explicit with. I broke up with both of them due to confusion and found that my neighbour had been talking to my friend about wanting to rape me.
I hooked up with another guy and had sex with him (which was my first time although i'm not sure as it didn't hurt and I never bled afterwards). He turned into someone I just had sex with without being tied together.
The next guy I fell for without wanting to, he got me started on drugs and everytime we met we would have sex at least 1-4 times each day we met up. He wanted to marry me, have his children and planned our future. He was living with an exfriend of mine and was her boyfriend. He was going to leave her for me but instead my heart was torn out. (2nd proposed in less than a year, 1st was the neighbour).
Now my explicit text boyfriend, we were on and off and he wanted to marry me also. He broke us up on christmas of that year and I had met a new man (my current partner) and it was only supposed to be a one off fling but turned into more.
I moved in with him one month after meeting him (I was 16).
My ex contacted me saying it wasn't him that brok it off via text, his friend did it and he said he wanted me, I was in love with him and didn't know what to do because of my relationship I was in.
I cheated on my current to have sex with my ex and I guess that's when suicide really hit me because I hurt him and felt the pain whenlashed at me for what I had done to him. I still have a problem with committing because I seek attention and communication and since the day I cheated, he hasn't been the same and I don't think he will ever really forgive me.
Troubled Relationships - Family and Others:
I know i've mentioned a bit about my family life with my mum and how I felt so rejected, i've started to try conect with her more and she is slowly doing the same, she used to say she was my older sister to my friends, now she is saying i'm her daughter and wishes me well when I get married. But it's just it's taken so ong to get here and i've already been hurt from it and can't forget that.
As for dad, I have no relationship with him. I tried giving him a chance when he found me through my cousin but he blew it with me. I do talk to his daughter and we get on, but it's hard knowing she is growing up with both parents and I never had that.
As for my grandad, everyone thinks he has a mental problem because of his behaviour and then he can't remember doing some of the things he had done. Do I have the same as him?
So that's looking through some of the topics you pointed out as my concerns and I guess there are a lot i'm going through.
We looked up many disorders such as Schizophrenia, Personality Disorder such as Passive-Agressive Personality Disorder, Multiple Personality, Depression and also Bipolar Disorder.
I'm sorry to hear about bipolar in your family and the suicides. I couldn't imagine what that's like for you and your family. As for me I take death as a part of life and we are all going to die sooner or later, my family loses someone almost every month, it's like a routine that I see so very often. I don't mean to sound heartless but I get so over it that I stop caring about everyone including myself.
I also thought that people with mental illness lived in mental hospitals, which is why i'm scared to seek medical help. Since i've been like this i've suffered other illnesses which I can't take anymore. Constants headaches, binge eating then fasting, I constanly bleed (which is another post I have searched for answers about).
I've been trying to search for ffree counselling but am scared to see someone face to face or even make a phone call, at the moment i'm safe here.
Thank you for replying to me