The last few years of my life have been so over whelming I don't even know where to begin. I lost my grandmother to cancer 4 years ago and my mother to suicide caused by depression 2 years ago. I moved to the other side of the country ( canada ) to start fresh or maybe to run away. I don't really know. I live in Vancouver and what started out pretty promising fell apart so quickly when I got addicted to crystal meth. I continued down a fast path to death until a year ago when I moved home for 3 months. I stayed sober although It didn't feel like home anymore. In March it will be a year that I have been back and since then I have been using again. I have a huge support team that are readily available to help me quit this drug, although I am still struggling. My quit date is today, so I am in hopes I can do this and stick to it.

I was diagnosed with Boarderline Personality Disorder about 4 years ago, along with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Separation Anxiety Disorder and Adhd when I was younger. I also, since living in Vancouver have become HIV+.

I had a severe drug induced psychosis about 1 month after I first began using Crystal Meth, I was hospitilazed and given seriquil for the symptoms. I was only on this medication for about 3 days as I did not take the meds at home because of the intense sedation and lack of energy side effects. About 3-4 months ago I had informed my psychyatrist that I was expereiencing bee noises and mild auditory hallusinations. She adviced I be on a antipsychotic to help protect my brain. I did not agree with this and at first decided against her desicion as I felt a stimulant on daily dispense followed with appropriate out patient therapy would be more efficient in recovery for me. She felt my drug induced psychosis would get worse and would not allow this also putting her lisense at risk. I even offered signing release of constent to my meth of treatment. After a couple weeks she finally agreed to do so only with the combination of an anti psychotic.(Abilify ) I believed her opinion and intention of it protecting my brain until I am off the drugs and on a safe low dosage of Adhd medication ( concerta ). The first day I picked up my medications I was so sedated before leaving the clinic that I fell asleep in the lobby. Following the next two days and finaly on the third day I stopped taking both medications because I could no longer physically function because I was so sedated. With this enforced "crash" I immediately started showing signs of better health which indicated the drug was working, however it only masked my symptoms and forced me into resting and eating. I began to adjust aftert starting back on the medications and began noticing I was feeling very manic at times where I would feel the urge to scream innapropriate words or phrases. I started feeling more anxious than I have always felt, I began to notice as my drug use lowered my ability to walk became more difficult, Feelings of severe pain in my legs and lacking ability to keep rythem when walking, this eventually combined with twitchiness and muscle stiffness. Not to mention I have not been able to get an erection or enjoy sex without cialis. Viagra makes me stuffed up and my vision blurry and semi blue. I informed my psychyatrist and she said its probably meth withdrawls and then informed me that abilify was not covered under my medical plan, so i was switched to risperidone.

Since the switch I feel as if I have died and all that is left is a shell of dull emptyness. I was so worried these antipsychotics were doing this, so I stopped the concerta and began monitering my crystal use and keeping track of how much which was easy to do as I DBT ( Dialetical Behaviour Therapy for BPD) was all about learning emotions monitoring them and drug use. Since stopping the concerta the manic symotoms have went mostly away but everything else has gotten so much worse. I use to have night terrors and now I don't as much anymore but when I do, I remember them and they are sooo horrifying. My psychosis is back and with a vengance. I have to have lights on or I start seeing things, like mice around me or bugs or door knobs turning. My heart beat sounds like thumping all around me. I spent christmas day in the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. I don't do anything anymore. My partner is so worried and frustrated cause he knows theres nothing he can do to help me. I pray to god every time my chest hurts and i get dizzy, I cant tell the difference between an anxiety attack or a heart attack. I cant go in publice because I know I look funny when I walk. I spend my entire income on mostly taxis because of the fear of taking public transit or walking. And my psychatrist knows all this and her decision was to up my risperidone. I asked for ativan to help me when I quit the meth because of the horrific violent out burts I get. They are like as if my hearing muffles my vision goes pixily my body begins to tremble and i lose cdlarity and explode with rage. Or I get so sad that I cry so hard I can't even breathe properly. She perscribed me quatiapein. 2 days ago I figured out by doing a lot of research, her protective bandaid was just masking my problems and allowing the to get so much worse. I for a while thought I had bad "stuff" so I would use even more to try and feel any level of pleasure. I began having chest pains, musle stiffness and numbness on spots on my body. So even it partial side effects are the meth she covered them up and I thought i was being protected from them. She ignored side effects I experessed that are far too severe to just assume they're something else. And as a psychyatrist and so happens to be my teacher in DBT I can't begin to fathom how someone in her position would not be aware that DBT is a therapy designed for emotional stratagy building and self awareness. How can you achieve a sucess in this therapy when taking a medication that completely cuts off the emotional awareness and concentration.  How can she have been so obvlivious. So now I am still a meth adict failing DBT and cannot leave my home. I feel as if I am already gone to far, All I do is sit and ride the despair mind train and pray to god to help me. I am quiting meth today and have flushed all my antispychotics. All I have is 5 adivan that the hospital gave me to take home after my anxiety attack. I can't even concentrate enough to watch tv. I don't even know how I accomplished this discussion. Please willl anyone give me some advice, All I feel is huge amounts of anxiety and sadness. I find it so easy to go into this bizzare trance like state where I don't feel or think.