Why Getting Along With Your Mother In Law Is So Tricky

Sixty percent of mother- and daughter in law relationships are, according to those in them, "strained", "depressing", "infuriating" and similar kinds of negative, research suggests. Even so, my mother in law wasn't your typical woman. Coming from a loving and somewhat sheltered family, she was quite the shock. When my then husband-to-be and I knocked on her door so I could meet her for the first time, her first words were: "So, your mom and dad don't love you either then?"

I could go on to describe the time I literally found my sister in law trying to strangle her mo and couldn't really blame her, or the many times my mother in law treated my husband so sub-humanly that I was tempted to call pest control to do something about her, but I'm not writing my particular in-laws' brand of crazy today. Besides, my mother in law is dead now and I'm no longer married, so it's probably best to let sleeping dogs lie, and there are plenty of other shocking "MIL" stories out there.

Take my friend; who found out just why her husband was so eager to move to her country rather than the other way around after they got married — her mother in law decided, during her first visit, that she didn't like the furniture in her son and daughter in law's house, so she had the whole place redecorated while they were at work, and then wouldn't speak to them when they got angry.

They're more strained, both anecdotes and research tell us, than any other kind of family relationship. The relationship between a man and his mother and law, or a woman and her father in law, cannot compare on the whole.

What Is It About Mothers And Daughters In Law That Leads To Conflict?

Marriage isn't a commitment between two people alone. When you marry, you marry not just your spouse but their family as well. This bit of info may seem obvious, and it is certainly something anyone who has ever read "should you marry this person?" type articles before has already heard, but it warrants reflection nonetheless. You know what's less obvious?

Your spouse's family culture is bound to be different — and depending on how much you and your spouse diverge culturally, ethnically, economically, and socially, it could be very, very different. Different can, but doesn't have to be, incompatible. It does, always, take some getting used to however. The more expectations your mother in law has of you and the more you have of her, the more likely you are to end up in a strained MIL-DIL relationship. 

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Your mother in law was the person who raised your husband, the primary woman in his life until the point at which you got married. Not only can your presence seem threatening to her — subconsciously or overtly— but you too are bound to sense this fact. It's natural, when you are establishing your own family, to instinctively seek to be the "alpha female" in the family. That's a place that belonged to your mother in law though, a mother in law who may have a lot of weird feelings about the fact that she now has a grown-up son who is no longer her baby. There you have it: the perfect recipe for strife.  

How can you prevent a nasty relationship with your mother in law then, and what should you do if things have already gone horribly wrong?

How To Have A Good Relationship With Your Mother In Law

There is no secret recipe to having a good relationship with your mother in law, and what works well for one woman may spell disaster for another.

A Times of India article, for instance, advises brides-to-be to treat their mothers and their mothers in law equally, and stresses the importance of being attentive, adding that if your mother in law expects to be waited on hand and foot, you should enlist your husband's help. It also mentions that your mother in law has "years of experience" and you shouldn't feel afraid to take her advice. 

The UK's Daily Mail has an unabashedly British take on things, and instead advises you to turn tensions into jokes, to start showing up unannounced at your mother in law's house if she does this to you, and to talk about any tensions you feel right away rather than bottling things up. 

These two different approaches make it beyond clear that there is no one "right" approach, and that cultural factors play a primary role in the relationship you'll have with your mother in law. There are, however, some general guidelines that can help you establish a good relationship with your mother in law, providing that she is a decent person:

• Accept that she's there to stay, and that she's the way she is. You don't want her to try to change you, so don't do this to her, either.
• Know that she may well be as nervous about the relationship as you are, and cut her some slack for initial awkwardness. 
• Find something to connect over other than her son, whether it's gardening, a TV show, or pedicures. 
• Develop a thick skin and a sense of diplomacy. If you run into issues, try to judge the intentions behind her actions, rather than the actions themselves. 
• Compromise on the little things when possible. 
• Avoid saying things that may make her feel that you are a barrier that has come between her and her son.

In a word, the key to a successful relationship with your mother in law is respect. Respect can go a long way, but only if it is mutual. If your mother in law has turned into a monster in law, and it is too late to establish a good relationship, you have to take a different approach. 

Dealing With Spiteful Mothers In Law

Having a monster in law can create some serious tensions within your marriage, especially if your husband doesn't see her in the same light. If your relationship with your mother in law has gone sour, rather than trying to salvage it, it is probably time for Plan B — keeping sane and staying as far away as reasonably possible, yet not letting yourself be trampled on. 

Let everything else slide right off, and refuse to engage in conversations that make the dynamic even worse. Go for a walk, call a friend, write in a journal, do whatever it takes to stay sane — but don't try to reason with her, because that will only make things worse. 

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I dealt with my mother in law by "love bombing" her and visiting her every week, even when her son didn't want to see her. While she was dying, she told me that "though we had our differences, I actually do like you". My friend and her husband had an even more effective solution: they moved across the Atlantic and know that the trips they take to see his mother every four years or so end before they're ripe for a mental health facility.