Hello everyone, I am a 18-year old girl. I have been struggling with my body and it's imagine and how I eat since I was 13 after years of being bullied. I have never been extremely skinny, on the contrary at one point I was seriously overweight due to a lot of comfort eating.
When I was 16, I purged for the first time. All for a shitty boyfriend at the time. Even then I weighed 169 lbs and was about 5'5. That didn't persist long and it wasn't until some 6 months later that I fell into that wormhole again, only for a longer time and more seriously. It didn't last more than a few weeks, though, but was enough to f**k up my cycles for a few months.
The coming fall, I am 17, all hell breaks loose at home and that is where my real bulimia life kicked in. Like any evil, it crawled into my life like a sneaky one. First it was maybe once or twice every few weeks, then 2-3 times a week. By the summer I was doing multiple binges and purges on a regular basis. I weighed 143 lbs in July, then after breaking up with my boyfriend at the time and got some distance from life for some 4 weeks, I just stopped. Like that. All of a sudden, I was alive again. Healthy, happy. I adapted new structured and healthy eating habits. By august, I was already down to a 136 lbs. I was so happy and high on life, 'cause I finally thought I had broken the cycle and learned how to eat healthy, not to even mention the fact that instead of gaining weight after quitting I lost weight! Which in a way makes sense because without all those unknown amounts of calories consumed when binging and purging, and just a concrete healthy amount.. Etc. etc.
It all came down on a few weeks in October, though. I was doing occasional binging and purging, always determined to quit though because I would start gaining weight again. After a long weekend of relapse I had gained back to almost 150 lbs, yikes! So I had enough. I quit. And once again I was doing so well for weeks and weeks and had never felt better, stronger and more energetic. Even was down to 130 lbs before Christmas.. And that's where it all came down. Since the 23rd of January I have been
doing crazy binges daily for 3 weeks straight now. What's terrible is that I can't find the will to stop, and I really want to, because I am killing myself, wasting time and money and all the effort I put into getting better.
I am very familiar with the dangers and what not on bulimia, read loads on it, but I just can't seem to stumble upon any reason why this cycle is so hard to turn around? What could be causing this? How will I stop? I am tired of being constantly concious of my body and paranoid about people staring at me if I've gained weight (over the past 3 weeks the verdict is up to 143 lbs...). I am completely lost and just so tired and frustrated and angry at myself. Please if anyone could help me and give me tips or pointers I would love it.
Many thanks,
-Abigail
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