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My grandpa had been battling cancer for the past 9 years and unfortunatly it took his life about a month ago. i knew it was going to happen sooner or later and i had been trying to prepare for it but how much can you really prepare for that, you know? about a week and a half before he died we had to take him to hospice for help and on the way he asked me the hardest question ever. see me and my grandpa had a very close relationship way different from normal families, i worked for him therfore i seen him daily, but on the way up to hospice he made me promise that i wouldnt leave him there alone and being as scared as i was i said yes i promise. he told me he was very scared and said he wanted me there to help him. this to me seemed so easy the first two days but then started getting harder and harder, i sat in that room for a week and a half not leaving for any reason, family tried getting me to leave but i couldnt cause i made that promise to him, well he took his final breath with me right next to him and it was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing i have ever done before in my life. this being i am 20 years old an have never had anyone close to me die before. i have been very depressed lately and im not strong enough to go see a doctor or counselor and dont really know what to do, i keep a straight and happy attitude around everyone but on the inside i hurt really bad. i am not suicidal or anything like that but this pain is unbareable and all ppl can say is that its gonna have to take time. it just seems the more time goes by the harder it is. my question is what can i do to help the pain go away? is there even anything that i can do? im starting to let my life slip away and im really lost. any help would really help, sorry for the long story but it was the easiest way to describe what happened and what i went through so yall kinda get an idea of what i can do for my situation.

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Hi roughneck, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your grandpa had a rare and special relationship and I was really touched by your story. And you sound like a wonderful, kind and empathetic person who truly cared for him. What you are going through is really difficult but it is a normal reaction to grief. There are 5 stages to grieving, deniAL and isolation, anger, bargaining, sadness and finally, acceptance. With the exception of acceptance they can happen in any order and might occur together. It is a process, and one that you might revisit over the years. I still grieve over my grandmother who died almost 20 years ago. It is not painful like it was at the beginig. Just a longing for her. The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a trusted, listening ear. You need to be able to safely express how you are feeling. It is also important not to isolate yourself. Ask for help if you need it even if help is just a listening ear. Isolation can lead to depression. And try to find a creative outlet to express your feelings. Write a letter to your grandpa, to yourself, keep a journal, draw pictures, make a scrapbook of your life with him. Anything that is meaningful to you. People are right when they say time will help. It does. And grieving, including all the pain and sadness, is a process we all go through when someone we love dies. but it does get better. It is usually better not to try to mask the pain with meds as grieving is ultimately a healing process and meds have their own problems, although sometimes there can be a place for them. If you are still feeling terrible down the track you might want to consider counselling or a grief support group. A source of good information is a website called helpguide. They have really good, easy to understand, trustworthy information with a section on grief. I wish you all the best in your journey. Your grandpa was a very lucky man to gave such a beautiful, caring granddaughter.
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