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My boyfriend of 12 years dumped me for someone else. I am having a hard
time with the breakup. We have a two year old child so cutting communication
off completely is not an option. I see him everyday and I find myself constantly
crying and begging him to come back to us. I am depressed, find myself constantly
surfing the internet to see what he is doing with her which sends me further into a depressive
state. I have been going to couseling sessions but find that it does not help take the pain away.
I wish I could have my family back but the chance of that happening is very slim. Does anyone have
any advice out there what I can do to make the pain go away? I am having a difficult time accepting
reality and moving on when obviously he does not have a problem in that department. Any Advice
on how to move on? :-(

Desperate

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1st of all HUGS!! 2nd you do NOT want him back - really! You just want to win the battle and get some respect back - I call it "Getting my day in court!" I wanted the world to know that he and her were PIGS and they cause ME so much pain! And then I realized that it was ME who was causing more pain to myself! Because I was SO enraged I couldn't let it go or move on! And an old friend of mine - after listening to me crying and moaning for the umpteenth time said "Where is my _____ ______?!" I was like "What do you mean?!" She said " My _____ ______ Would NEVER let some s**m ball get the better of her and cry about it!" I realized that after 7 years of marriage and a child I had given up my identity to this man! And he didn't have the right to it! It was MINE! So I stopped phoning him or trying to hunt the you know what down to slap her face! I let him phone - when he wanted to see our son - and would make arrangements for him to take our son on Saturday nights while I went out with my girlfriends - that I had stopped doing! I lost 27 lbs, and started laughing and smiling again! 1 thing that aggravated him was my laughing!!!! Who does that?!!!!! And I would hold off my laughing!!! CRAZY HEH?

So one day he announced that he wanted me back, after several more weeks I decided to move back basically becasue my parents were HELL and we had a son that missed his dad VERY much! That was 15 years ago!!!!! It took a LONG time for me to forgive him - I will NEVER forget what he did! BUT for me to move on I had to forgive him and give myself more credit that I did before!

You are a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, MORAL Woman and Mother and what he did IS utterly disgusting! BUT you don't own that, he does! He will always be known as the pig, but don't always be known as the victim OK? Because this just adds to your sadness! You have to greave this loss and I will honestly say that someone cheating and leaving is worse than a death in a marriage! Because it is the end of the marriage BUT you have to keep seeing them and seeing them while you are grieving! You feel STUCK! I used to say it's as though my breathe was taken away and I couldn't move or breathe! I equated it to having a jigsaw puzzle - of a picture of my life - then he came along and broke it into a million pieces, now it was up to me to put the pieces back together without him in it! And make the pieces fit without his! It's hard BUT can be done!

So give yourself some time to grieve, DONT look one more 2nd on line! Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I AM worth MORE than this PIG! "He does NOT define me NOR my future!" So I GET this OK? I get your pain, and any man or woman whom has been devestated by a partner will be RIGHT there with you! It will take some time but I PROMISE you that each day it WILL get better! The fog WILL lift and at the end of this "Lesson" you will be brighter, more confident, and then you will see him in his light! The REAL light that you don't see right now! That ALL was NOT well with him probably for awhile, and he probably gave you hints - not being loving, saying stinging things, making you feel blah! So don't you worry one more second about that pig and his w**** anymore OK? They do NOT deserve to be cared about! BIG HUGS and a quick recovery!
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Health Ace
6904 posts
I didn't read anything in your post that mentioned a "husband". I did read "boyfriend".
Boyfriend = temporary.
As Bambi said, you are you and he is he and you need to take charge of being you.

I feel people hurt themselves by going through life dwelling on things someone else did that made them feel bad. It's much easier if you accept the fact that everyone has their own way of living and when it doesn't coincide with yours it's not because they intended to hurt YOU.

You feel hurt because you expected something that didn't happen and there's nothing you can do about that. It sounds like you're well along the way to accepting that because you asked about ways to relieve the pain. Taking charge of your life as an individual will help a lot. Getting involved in something that is important to you or a hobby that you can really get into so you're thinking of something else most of time, is very helpful.

Mainly only time will cure the pain but keeping your mind distracted is necessary.

I was seriously in love with a girl who left me for another guy. We had been together for nearly two years when she informed me there was someone else. For the next year I had to endure seeing them together at church every Sunday. We had actually discussed getting married but neither of us was in a position to be able to do it at the time. It was quite painful seeing them together. She told me she had met someone she was interested in about a month before she decided which one of us she wanted more. I respected her for being honest with me and not just saying f**k you, bye. The pain is probably about the same but not having the hate that comes from being chopped off at the knees has to be better.
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I would like to say thanks for the words of Wisdom Bambi. I spent
so much time trying to make him happy that somehow I lost myself
in the process. I temporarily cut the internet off to alleviate the temptation for
the time being. You are so right about wanting to win the battle, I just never looked
at the situation that way. I am filled with anger and don't know if i can
forgive him for what he has done. >;)

I am trying to occupy my time. I am putting my focus primarily on my child
and enjoying him so much. He deserves a happy life and I intend to do whatever
it takes to make that happen. You are right, THEY do not Deserve my attention.
I will take it one day at a time. I am graduating in 9 days with my master's degree
so I should be celebrating not crying over this.

So when I am feeling down, I will read your post. When I read your post I cried
because everything you wrote was true. I will put back the pieces to my puzzle
without him in it. Thanks again and may god bless :-)
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Same to you honey! And you WILL do this! Just imagine in 9 days you can stand proud and say "I DID IT!!!" Not him! You are a smart lady = obviously! And I know we live through our heart - BUT he isn't your heart honey! He is someone that gave you the greatest gift of all! And you WILL find someone worthy of such an intelligent, sensitive woman as yourself! Also I will give you a bit of foreshadowing that MIGHT happen - actually usually does! When you show them that you are no longer interested and standing on your own, they gain the respect that they orginally had NONE for you! Because a cheater doesn't have respect for the other person! And I'm sure he was giving you negative signs all along! So when he looks at this thing beside him and then sees you occaisionally - when picking up your son - he wwill start thinking "Heh, she doesn't need me, maybe I wasn't all that!" My husband eventully said, he couldn't believe that I was moving on!!!!! o.O A part of them WANTS you to be begging them - it increases their own strength! As in the animal kingdom when a male makes another submissive, it makes them more powerful! BUT if that same submissive animal stood up to them, there might be a fight, but the original dominant male will have FAR more to think about after! Same thing honey! So it WILL be hard but move on! And congratulations!
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