Helpful Hints for surviving life

Helpful Hint #1

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto!
The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Helpful Hint #3

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it
before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them
to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6

Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet
seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Helpful Hint #7

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.