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Ok, I need loads of help cuz I am dying slowly. Everything started about a year ago when I started questioning my sexual orientation. here is my long story. I started to masturbate 6 years ago to straight stuff. I remember getting boners from a hot teacher in school and stuff. I was also teased poor being "gay" ascary unruled about it once. I had plenty of friends but I didn't like sports (soccer). I masturbated once with a group of friends and fantasized about this for many months. I kept thinking about this experience everyday when masturbating and realized how pleasurable this experience was. say tarted watching gay porn and masturbating to this for the next 6 years. I last year, after having had many gay experiences I started dying inside thinking if I was gay. i also masturbated to straight fantasies, straight porn and only kissed, had crushed and loved girls. iI never felt gay or different. this was my fantasy and its been secret ever since it started. I , had a gf and lovvvedd her to death and got turned on (boner with precum) every time we kissed orevery3:05-21Even thinking about kissing her. It has now been a year and I am begging to feel like I am dying. I feel straight, and for the past year I have been watching straight porn and having straight fantasies much more often. In real life, I look at guys just to see my reacting, and freak out every time I feel like a guy is good looking. I have done a lot of research about the topic and everything is about to explode in my head. I read an article about sexual tastes being altered by gay porn in straight guys. To sum everything up, it said you change what turns you on but not your sexual orientation. It said to try and stop watching gay porn for a few days, and see if tastes started to shift back. I tried this, and every time I stopped watching gay porn for more than 2 days, girls turned me on like hell. It was amazing because I felt it was just an addiction to the gay sex fantasy. I am dating a girl, to be honest I truly like her and I het aroused just by kissing, touching, thinking about her and love spending time with her. It's just that sometime I relapse and watch gay porn and I get anxiety and feel pretty depressed. When I am out with friends, I only feel like kissing girls and I am not attracted to them ( male friends). This problems has been my best friend for the past year and I am done worrying, I just can't take it anymore. I feel straight, and it bugs me people on blogs tell my I'm bi or in denial ...this is why: I am totally romantically, physically, emotionally, sexually attracted to girls, but guys its just this sexual fantasy that hunts me. I get an erection just by reading about how to finger a girl.... I don't think I am gay. But I need help cuz I am about to explode.... I fear that  no matter if I decide I am straight, I will be in denial, and I FEAR LIKE CRAZY NOT LIKING SEX WITH GIRLS AND NOT GETTING HARD.... help me.. Again after not watching gay porn for days , my sexual tastes shift back and I am attracted and aroused by girls ten times more ( and not the gay stuff) than before, the only problem Is I relapse due to anxiety and I watch gay porn and this is a problem because to cure the addiction months of not watching gay porn are needed. Thanks... My anxiety is driving me nuts so please help me. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advise or thoughts....

 

 

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Hi Jake, this sounds like it is causing a great deal of pain and anxiety for you. No-one on the internet can tell you if you are gay or not. But maybe you need to ask yourself different questions. Do you really need to put a label on your sexuality? Do you really need to be able to say "without a doubt I am 100% straight" or "I am gay and in denial"? Perhaps you are straight but fantasise about gay sex. Perhaps you adore women but also find men attractive. Maybe you are bi. Maybe not. My point is that sexuality is complicated and often not easy to define. It is important to be able to accept our sexuality, whatever it is (as long as it doesn't cause harm to others and is not exploitative but that doesnt apply here). I am a woman in a relationship with a man. I have also had sex with women and could imagine being in a relationship with a woman if my current relationship was to end. I am also hugely turned on by male gay porn but obviously that's something I can never take part in (and I hate straight porn). My partner would describe himself as straight but he has had sex with men, but would only ever top and wouldn't have a loving relationship with a man. He will happily talk about celebrities he has a "man crush" on. It might sound simplistic but is there a way you can learn to accept all of the contradictions in your sexuality? There is nothing wrong with your desires. And you can't necessarily change them at will. The pain comes from the way you think about your desires, and anxiety about what others will think. If gay porn is important to you accept that. It may or may not mean you ever want to live out those fantasies. if you are in a relationship it would be ideal if you can be honest with your partner as open communication is important. But I realise that can be difficult. Only you know your girlfriend. But having someone you can talk to about this will help. I am lucky that my partner and I can be completely honest about this stuff and not feel threatened. We both know that despite our desires we are only interested in each other. If you need someone to talk to try a gay helpline. They are available in most English speaking countries. Also, finally, anxiety and sexual obsessions can be linked. That may explain why you turn to gay porn when you are anxious. and the more anxious you are about your sexuality the more you feel compelled to view gay porn. I hope you can find peace. All of your desires are normal and they can co-exist and that's ok, even if it is confusing at the moment. I struggled in my 20s when I realised that my attraction to women wasn't a fleeting thing. But I was lucky, I was able to talk to my husband about it and he was understanding because I also assured him that monogamy is very important to me. many people have been through what you are going through. There is light. Hopefully you can learn to accept and love your sexuality. all the best
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First off. CUT THE PORN. I am a current addict and I am hating every minute of it! Second remember you aren't homosexual until you choose to be. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT!!!!!!!! THIRD. In my opinion masturbating is cheating on your future girlfriend/wife (you fantasize and think about others sexually which leaves you with pre-made sexual standards).
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what you have is called HOCD homesexual obsessive compulsive disorder, i would know i suffered, still occasionally suffer from it, i have been straight as an arrow my entire life, but at the age of 15, i was watching some porn, and it was a threeway with two guys and a girl, it was one of those moments where i just couldnt turn away, i didnt get hard, didnt feel turned on just couldnt turn away from the two men having intercourse on the screen, after that day, i would consider "am i gay?" ALL THE TIME, at school when masturbating, when talking to girls, even though i had never had feelings for a man other than my best freind my whole life, as a result i surrounded myself in hate speech, and became super homophobic, but this only worsened it, i would watch gay porn just to see if i was turned on, i would try anal stimulation, but stopped once a tried it and bled from my anus. i am very meterosexual so i got worse when a gay kid asked me out in high school, i told him to go f**k himself and go to hell, but it got worse, i finally adopted a mental practice of mental visualization and "locked my thoughts away" i dont have much worries anymore, but somedays particularly monday mornings i have thoughts, i just try to do anything i can to distract myself from them, its a hard struggle but youll get through it...i did, the best way to get them out of your head is to finding a saying to repeat over and over and imagining the thought dissolving away, and being replaced by a straight thought, for instance my saying was "if is say im straight,thats who i am, if i say im gay thats who i am, and I AM STRAIGHT" i would repeat it multiple times and it helped me out alot keep fighting man :) dont give in to those sick thoughts... i know how hard it is, im still straight and i remember some days i just wanted to come out, but it wasnt real feelings, its just uncontrollable urges, im still/will always be straight

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