Do I really have hocd ?

Hi,

This could be a long post so please bear with me.

Currently, I am 35, male and very depressed. Most of my life has been spent indoors without much interaction from people. The cause of this I will get to right now.

When I was growing up, I was mad about women. I mean, all I'd have to do is think about an attractive girl and I'd be hard as a rock, and probably stay that way all day until I had to ease the feeling. This led to alot of " alone " time, and I pretty much had Cindy crawford in my mind all day and night. The 90's just rocked for me. It was awesome.

I just loved the feeling of being turned on, having such strong feelings for women and just generally feeling happy with life. ( that was age 14 to 18 ).

Then I met my first proper girlfriend ( at 19 ). I had had sex before I met her ( I lost my virginity to a girl that worked in a video game arcade ). But yeah, to get to the point, I loved this girlfriend with all my heart. I would have gladly walked out in front of a bus for her if it ment she lived. I was so in awe of her.

I was with her for about a month and then one day she called into me after she finished college.

I was lying in my bed and thinking about a football match or something ( i had my eyes closed ) and she kissed me. At the time i could remember in my thoughts that I could see David Beckhams face and it felt like he had kissed me, or like I had kissed him. Whatever happened that day, it was like the emotion I had for her, had now transferred into my normal daily thoughts of soccer or playing soccer with my friends.

I completely freaked out and proceeded to feel what felt like a panic attack. I didnt want her near me, and I didnt want to feel like this. It was horrible. It was like when she kissed me I could feel the emotion and love, but it was a male face when I closed my eyes. This had never happened before and it just scared the hell out of me.

A couple of days later, I remember answering my front door and being so relieved to see her. I was back to normal there and then. I just remember seeing how beautiful she was and her long brown hair just melted me. I was so relieved.

About a month later, after having lots of sex with her, she told me a secret that broke my heart. She told me her grandfather had abused her as a kid, and from that day on, everytime we tried to do something romantically, I felt like i was hurting her. Not only that, but early on when having sex with her, I was always very aware that i was too sexual, and sometimes I would try to stop myself from being too aroused and coming too early. I used to think of the worst stuff to try and stop myself. I started with old grannies, then moved on to my mother ( I wasnt imaging myself having sex with them, just a static image would appear ). When that didnt work anymore I moved on to thoughts of playing soccer, then when that failed, I moved on to the worst thing that I could ever think of. Men.

And believe it or not, that actually did the trick for me. I would last longer and feel like a better man after sex because i felt like I did my job better. Little did I know what would happen a couple of weeks later. I remember when I tried having sex with her, my manhood would only rise to 65% hardness. At first I thought something medically was wrong, and decided to give it a couple more days. On the 3rd day of trying I got upset about it. I sat on my bed wondering what was wrong.

Suddenly i just thought, " omfg I'm gay ". You wouldnt believe how hurtful and painful those words were to me. It was like I was describing somebody else. It didnt make sense, but it felt like I was gay. I mean, why else would a healthy 19yr old suddenly lose his manhood, his toy, his pride and joy ? Or for better words, why did I feel like I lost my soul. It felt like my inner self had just been destroyed at that moment.

 The only thing I was ever sure of in my life up until that point was that I enjoyed women only ( my next door neighbor was a slammin hottie who sunbathed in amazing bikini's , the local checkout girls in the store were mouthwatering to me and a certain teacher of mine would distract me from doing math because she was so pretty ). But from that point on, I had completely lost interest in sex, or sexual attraction to other girls for that matter.

I felt that my thoughts during sex had made me a monster. Its like my sexual mind was somehow brought into a new reality and now everyone who stood near me or stood too close to me became attractive to me. This ranged from my male friends, to my own father, to my sisters and even my niece. It felt like the love I had for my girlfriend was suddenly placed on them. It felt horrible. It felt like I had no standards. I felt soulless. I shouldnt feel this way about others, only with my girlfriend.

Needless to say, I broke up with her, but it took a year and a half to do that. I loved her, but something wasnt right. I felt like I was kissing the wrong sex somehow. Everytime I kissed her I'd see a mans face, or felt like I was in love with a dude. I didnt want her to touch me, because I didnt want to feel that way about the same sex. I eventually let her go, but it was hard. I loved her, but I had to.

For a long time, I wondered about myself. I even tried to kill myself at one stage but something told me that I had to fight for my soul. Like it would come back. Now I keep checking my feelings by looking at guys and girls and wondering what the hell I am in terms of sexuality. Sometimes I feel a pang of attraction for girls, and then I'd feel something similar for a guy. But I'd freak out over the fact I'd have that feeling for a dude and I'd obsess about it. I'd keep asking myself why, and feel like c**p over it. But when I feel attracted to a girl I never question it, because thats how it should be.

Ive never had any sort of interaction with a guy on that level. I think the closest thing I've been to homosexuality is a handshake, but I get bad thoughts when I'm near guys, like I'm going to do something stupid like kiss them or say something horrible. Its the same feeling as being close to a cliff and wanting to jump off. You really dont want to do it ( jump ) but the feeling is overwhelming and its scary. I feel like somebody has control of my mind and it isnt me. I really feel like I have no soul, and my life is dark.

I've had 2 girlfriends since my first, and although they were never as bad, I have to say that my second relationship was the best I had. I really fancied her alot and she was sexy. But my true desire for girls has never come back. I'm still stuck with a 65% hard-on and I just feel like I'll never get my true sexual drive back. I constantly think whats the point in living my life like this. it just seems hopeless. I'm always thinking of the question. I'm always questioning my movements, my feelings, my body language. I freak out over anything to do with homosexuality and I get a bad dull pain in my gut. I mean, how could I be gay ? I grew up drooling over women but i cant stop questioning myself. Im currently going to a doctor to work my way through this, but if I figure out I'm gay for real then I dont want to be here. I dont want these thoughts or feelings, but I cant stop them.