I am 14 year old boy. In the summer of 2017 I started masturbating. It was really good, because my love for women was discovered. But one night in my bed I asked myself, am I gay and immediately I said no, because I know I am not a homosexual? But it still stayed with me and I had to tell myself over and over and over again that I am not. I have searched this up and it is OCD. And for at least a year and a half I have had this in the back of my mind. But it wasn't bad. It was just my mind playing games with me. I didn't pay too much attention to it. But when COVID-19 happened I was forced to stay home. This did not give me things to do, and I couldn't be distracted from this intrusive thought. And from there it got worse and worse and worse. Now almost all the time this intrusive thought is with me. And I give in, thinking about disgusting things to convince my mind that I am not gay. And every time I conclude that I am not, and I know I am not. The only time I am not having these intrusive thoughts is in my dreams. In my dreams I am normal and it is good. But when I wake up in the morning this intrusive thought creeps in and I hate it. This alone is bad, but I have another problem, masturbation. I known masturbate too much. And before I got boners easily, but because of masturbation, I get boners even easier because of habit. And because of this I had a feeling in my private, but not a boner, but just a feeling because my private may have wondered is it time, but it wasn't and it was in a very wrong moment and it made this intrusive thought go out of control even more, and it makes me miserable. I just want to go back to normal. I have been trying to stop masturbating for a while and now I think I will really stop. And there is one thing I know for sure: I am not homosexual. Through my whole life I have never had any of those thoughts. I don't act like one and I don't look like one. And to be honest, I don't like them and that is my opinion and I am allowed to have one. But once this intrusive is in my brain and I want to get it out. I just want to live everyday without having this thought in my head. I want to be normal. I have been lead to tears because of this thought that is stuck in my head and I just want it out. So if there is any solution I would please like to know, because they say that when it intrudes into when your in public it becomes a real problem, and I don't want it to be a problem in school.
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It called curiosity, nearly every teen boy going through puberty has these thoughts even if they might deny it when asked.
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Most boys are curious about other boys wondering how they compare to other boys and in some cases they do experiment with their male friends.
None of this means their gay even finding another boy attractive is nothing to be worried about puberty is filled with discover, curiosity and change.
Your masturbation habits have nothing to do with these HOCD issues you have.
Unfortunately you have this misguided and negative homophobic views of gay people which could be causing a lot of your issues with these thoughts your having.
You are right your entitled to your own opinion right or wrong your certainty entitled to your opinion.
I'm not sure if your opinion entitles you to have misguided and uninformed hatred towards gay people but anyway this may be a pace to start so you can deal with these unwanted thoughts you have.
If you read up on LGBTQ people you will find that they are truly amazing people with so much courage and there is nothing about them that could possibly justify your hatred and misguided opinion of them.
No doubt once you understand that there is nothing wrong with being gay and the real problem lies with the homophobic misinformed and misguided people.
This will help you to deal with your own thoughts that you find disturbing.
Frequent erections are part of puberty they can happen at anytime and anywhere so please don't worry if it happened when you saw another guy or were thinking of one.
Your thoughts and obsession with questing your sexuality is only made worse by your negative views towards LGBT people.
One day your sexuality will become crystal clear to you and what you think about LGBT people will have nothing to do your sexuality. These random thoughts or curiosities you have mean nothing they just give you something to stress and worry about but they won't make you gay or turn you gay.
If you choose to masturbate that's fine and there is nothing wrong with it if you sometimes have sexual thoughts or curiosity about other boys it means nothing.
Start with educating yourself about LGBT people you will find your homophobic dislike towards them is so wrong and in no way is it justified.
Understanding others and accepting them for who they are and the way they are will also help you to feel the same way about yourself.
Straight guys can think about other guys these random thoughts are just that a thought that comes and goes none of this will make you gay.
Your the only one that knows your sexuality and there is no need to convince yourself of it one day it will be crystal clear and being homophobic and trying to think negative things about LGBT people is just a waste of time and you will find hate and prejudiced can never be justified.
Accept yourself and others just the way you and they are this could be the first step towards getting past these HOCD thoughts you have.
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