Okay so as of recently I've been questioning my sexuality. I'm very LGBT positive but I'm terrified that I may be attracted to girls in someway. I deal with a lot of anxiety and OCD and i've been trying to constantly figure out what's going on in my mind that justifies how i'm feeling. here's the facts:
When I was little I remember watching some kind of lesbian sex scene, of a girl going down on another. I was around 6 and I told two of my friends to do it with me, and also french kissed them. I'm not sure why and I remember when I was little realizing how wrong(?) the act was. I made myself sick over it, and never did it again. (I don't know if this is important but I've had a line of shitty men in my life, which i think i try to justify as why I'm so uncomfortable with men) ok to continue
Fast forward to middle school/high school. I like boys. BUT, the second they like me, I freeze up and basically shut down. (The weird part too - The second they stop liking me, I begin to like them again. I obsess over them wondering why I shut down and feeling super shitty about myself) I've never enjoyed making out with a boy/ fooling around- except once, and I remember mixing lust with love. Whenever I see a boy showing interest in me I immediately get uncomfortable. Same with girls.
I've enjoyed lesbian porn (which I've justified with 'so do a lot of straight girls' and because i've had a previous experience?) as well as some straight porn.
I've always fantasied about being with a boy, and not a girl, and now that i'm older I'm becoming progressively more confused.
I think I mix jealousy for lust when I look at girls. I always think "god i would kill to look like you" but somehow feel guilty and wrong when I think that. I'm always trying to make sure my actions aren't too butch-y and i find myself over-thinking EVERYTHING. I'll always gravitate towards f/f but get super panicky about it and stress out for days.
I honestly don't know what's going on with me. If anyone could provide any insight at all, I would owe you the world. I keep telling myself I'm straight and that the reason i'm more comfortable w women then men have to do with my childhood/growing up but i don't know. I'm also not sure why the thought of being attracted to a different sex scares me as much as it does - but I'm petrified.
side note: i hope i didn't offend anyone! i'm just trying to explain my thought process as much as possible.
Loading...