I am 18 years old boy and I am confused of my sexual orientation. Let me explain about my situation:
I masturbated and watched porn a lot! I started doing this since I am 14. However, I realised that whenever I watch straight porn, I always choose based on the male actor. I will check the male actor first before clicking on the video. Moreover, at some point, I will focus more on the male penis and the body language of the man. The more affectionate and sensual the man acted, the more turned on I am. After a while, I will get bored and watch gay porn as well. But one thing I realised, I am not so turned on when seeing two male humping each other. For me, their manliness had gone no matter how muscular or manly looking the actor is. Then, I concluded that maybe I am turned on when seeing real-straight man. The hairy and muscular ones just like Hugh Jackman or Michael Fassbender. I also tend to search for older men too.
On the other hand, I often got mixed feelings with woman. I am attracted to girls as well, but not so much. I am very picky in determining girls hotness. Whenever me and my friend go to a shopping mall,he will point out some random chicks that passed by and tell me how hot they are. He pointed out a lot of girls, but I think only few of them passed my hotness meter, that turned me on. I hang around with boys quite well, but not too much. I am not a sport fanatic so, that effected my social level with boys. I think I am just average in sports. I do play sports though. I am also a little shy, not so outspoken and always respect others. I hang around with girls quite well too. Well enough to make some girls to fall for me..LOL.
In terms of appearance, I can say that I have a decent look. I have made two girls confessed their feelings to me, but I said I am not ready because I really wanted to focus on my studies. however, there are some shocking event too. I have made several boys in my school to feel sexually attracted to me. I stayed in a boarding school since I am 13 and along that period, I am involved in some gay sexual event.
The first experience happened to me when I am 14, and one of the boy asked me to accompany him to sleep in his room. We shared the bed and talked until late night. Then, after I dozed off for a while, I feel someone rubbing my penis. I dont know what to do and I just let him do it. A moment later he started to take my hand and put it on his penis. He whispered to me asking me to do the same, so I just went along. But after that night, I felt awkward and avoided him. This experience not just ended there. At least 5 boys tried to have sex with me but only one person I enjoyed and continue to do it with him. I dont know why they are attracted to me. I am straight acting! I think that these events had changed and confused my sexual orientation. I cant understand why both gender seemed to be attracted to me. I am just an ordinary, average person!!!
After I graduated high school, I went to some study abroad preparatory college and I avoided any gay sexual thing to happen to me. But, I cant deny the fact that I enjoyed having sex with the last boy in my high school. Sometimes, I get turned on by guys(only straight), and sometimes by girls...Urggh!
So what is my sexual orientation. I really wanted to be straight, but because of the things that happened in my high school, I became a little bit bent. I dont have any girlfriend and started to think that maybe this is the reason why I get mixed feelings. I have had sex with man, but no romantic sexual act with woman.
Please help me become straight. I dont want to be gay and thats my choice. I felt that gay person is not as cool as straight person, the way that I want to be.(Please dont be offended, this is just my own personal opinion, I still respect gay people). I hope that I can be straight before I fly to US for my studies. I dont want to be influenced!(Still, no disrespect here)
P/s: sorry for the long post!
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There is nothing wrong with you. You are possibly bisexual, which means you like both men and women. There is no way to make you straight if you are indeed bisexual. The only way you can possibly become anywhere near straight is to focus your attention on women and ignore the sexual urges that may come when you are around a good-looking, older male. Gay people are not uncool, and you can still be you if you are indeed bisexual. If you don't want people knowing your sexual orientation, then when they ask say that you are straight (Which is not a lie seeing as you also like women), but in private you can be with whomever you are attracted to.
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My friend, there is NO way to become straight if you're gay, no matter what the social stigmas are or how much you don't want it. I literally spent 35 years trying not to be gay. I went to therapists and religious counselors, and read every self-help book I could find on the subject. I lied to myself and everyone else, and even got married to stop being gay because I was so ashamed and afraid of what I was.
After many years of pain, I finally gave up and accepted that I was more attracted to men than women. The one thing I believe as surely as I believe that the sun will rise in the morning is that you can't control what and how you feel. You can adjust your behavior and moderate how you act on how you feel, but you can't change WHAT you feel. My analogy is that trying to control feelings is like trying to squeeze sand or putty in your hands. The tighter you squeeze, the more of it will slip between your fingers.
Be whomever and whatever you are. In this way, you'll be true to yourself and what you really are. No matter what it is, you will respect yourself for it, and so will everyone else. And it sure as hell beats a life of misery and shame from hiding what you need.
The only people who will care are the crazy homophobes who lie to themselves and are terrified that they might catch "the gay", so they repress their own feelings and everyone else in order to stomp it out, like it was a disease or something. And then there are the equally crazy religious fundamentalists, of almost every religious persuasion, who are equally afraid, but in a different way.
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Unfortunately most of the gay guys that are in parades and in public very open are only a very small part of who gay men are. There are cops, firemen, construction workers, Business men who are all gay but are not stereotypes. The Bar crowd are usually very fake wanna be cool guys, who try to hard. and they hang out in groups or don't want to talk to you unless they want to have sex with you. Being 18 doesn't mean you should have all the answers. I had a girl tell me she wasn't a lesbian, she just fell in love with a women. Everyone thinks gay guys want to have sex with every man they see. nothing could be farther from the truth. Many men get shut down by guys, the same as guys get struck down by girls. As long as you can relieve your own tensions, there is no hurry to decide one way or the other. Live a little, things change after high school, and you will find different friends. I worked with a guy 7 days a week for 2 yrs, we were close. He took another job, and the first day he wasn't there was devastating. It had nothing to do with sex or attraction, he had become like a brother to me. Guys are told they shouldn't have feelings for other guys, but it all depends on how you grew up, and the friends you make and loose along the way. One day you will find yourself comfortable in a situation, and want to pursue taking it farther. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself, you will meet the right person eventually.. Hang out with open minded people, and what ever happens your Real Friends will accept you for who you are, the person they already know you to be. The others were never really Friends at all!
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