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Sorry, taking this board ove. Right theres been some breathrough- but possibly at the worst time possible.

I am trying to comeof alcohl..al ws going well until last night. The thing is , i am a grumpy, crabbie, tearful snappy cow at the moment. The only thing Ive noticed different , is when I go to bed, I can get to sleep , but wake really early.

My partner has stated that he will leave providing I sign these parental responisbilty forms...which I am not sure whether to or not. i cry for my girls ...I dont care about how I feel as sometimes love is just bad for us.

Ok, so on that not , asked a good friend of mine - a solicitor what the best thing I should do is. She has said hold out till you get yourself an accredited family lawyer specialiesed in that area. Ok, so I knew where to go and made the appointment. Its a 3pm on Thursday. One minute I am okay , gues its dysthmic feeling...other times I am crying.and other times just cant talk to folks.

Sometimes I feel like I dont want to hurt him either. but hes nebver fully understood my feelings so that just mad.

I am still trying to atick with these withdrawl pills for alcohol, but all i really want to fdo is have a drink so I can forget it all.

Ive discussed the situation a little with my girls. The older one almost sounded excited about the change. But I just remeber so much about how hard it can be growing up in a dysfunctional family and it makes me cry.

Still detemined to get of the booze, but feeling absloutley miserable, and Thursay seems like such a long time away..and so does Friday for when Ive to report back to my carer. I am scared I am going to fail so tearful and exhausted . Also keep loosing my footing and finding it hard to cross roads...also very constipated. lost my appetite for a bit then binged when it came back. One minute reilef..the next desperate doom. i feel as though someone close has died, but noone has and hes still hanging around. Sorry just wanted to let it out so I didnt go on at other folks who have a heck of a lot more on their plates. but I am feeling what I call really sad. Sometimes so sad it just doesnt seem worth it.

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It helps a lot to get on here and keep talking about what problems you're going through here. I can tell you that talking about it helps with 90% of the issue, and that the rest of it is just your attitude. I think that you are going through a really hard time here from what I hear, and I think it might be a good idea for you to consider a therapist or a counselor.

Quitting alcohol is one of the hardest things you can do, so consider this help that you enlist for your battle. Going to a therapist isn't weak, it's strong! And you can beat this.

Keep us posted on your progress! Good luck to you.
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This moth infestation is not helping me. Although its a good anger releas, batter them to death with an old babrbie doll, but cant find where the main ones are coming from . Today killed around 20 of the little creatons..wait ...theres another.. The only nice thing I have in ,my life are clothes. materailistically speaking.
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OK, lit lots of lavender incesne sticks, and sprayed fly spray Took the kids to brownies and came home to find my room was awash with moths flying everywhere. Discovered that theyd totally taken over a rug under my bed .had to throw everything out, not the bed but god it was a nightmare, the strange thing is since this discovery my nose ( which was blocked for months , seems to be clearing) I can breath again- or is that just the medicines working who knows?

Went to work had taken a pill also had really upset stomach , thought I was going to puke. Hid pretending to size up clothes but like a ton of bricks it all hit me everything everything negative and I was falling back down I just couldnt hols it in and the more my boss demanded I did something the more I was getting upset.....I find my boss demanding and i thought that was becauseof my situationat home and how thining how dare someone so much younger spk to me like that and throw things down ....Surley it sonly polite to ask nicely , not demand ( I am sure theres a difference ) It did not help that I was abubbling wreck for I diont know how long , and he s not so bad cause he gave me a cuddle and whereas other not so nic eeole would not. But then after that I felt him really mean coz, his demands were so bad. A customer even commented on his behaviour but I dont htink hes that bad . She just said poor you and smiled and rolled her eyes when she left maybe cause hehad thrown me more stuff t o hang. maybe he was just anxious to get things done as there was a lot to do. But 2 people that were above me rarely actually came on the shop floor and little miss incompetent me was to be superwoman. One was hanging a delivery ...but in doing so giving me all the clothes to hang...I didnt get through it all and I mean I normally really like where i work and really like these people. but Iam getting a bi sick if this.....my question, what weve to dress up on bla bla aday?" and got bitten back ( Ie) Read the doror) sorry but here was a nicer wat of putting that too. I just dont get it...When I am feeling this way Its just i dont spk to people in such a rude manner...anything just about anything could be happening in their lives and just because they come across as being a bit dosier than others, or slower or whatever, does not give any one the right to spk down to anyone , especially by work superiors!!!!! Call me stupid and yes, I understand they have a difficult jonv, but hey they do not have this situation going on, lookl after 2 children have anxiety and try and carry on...they may well have a lot worse going on ...but at this precise moment in time I cant imagine what that could be , especially when I have a friend in hopsital about to ...forget it not putting that her. But yeah I am upset and dont know if this pill is working just feel like it is making me constipated and tursday seems ages away. Probably no one will understand this rant as I have posted all over the place , but just ranting to let it out so I will feel better...Oh I want a drink , I jusrt want one....but see its sh*t cause if I have one Ill go mmmmmmmm, ha , thats better and think acht come on , one more and so on until I am on top of a table dancing ( ha ha) Thats past history not done that for at least 11 yrs. Oh nevermind!
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How are things going with you? That last post was very substantial and it seems that there's a lot on your mind. Like I asked in my last post, are you seeing anyone about these issues? It seems like a lot more than anyone would be able to handle right now so enlisting extra help would really get you through this tough time. Please let me know how things are going and keep us posted!
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I dont know...Speakin gto old uni friends helped, but to be honest..Ive messed up so bad that I cant get my head round things. And worse had to have a drink last night ....Just so over awed by those moths...and that I cant cope with these things on my own.. Just cant stop crying and so aggitated, but then again I keep getting things that have happened recently in my head, and partner hoarding money so no money in account so I am using my credit card- I have no savings, to get by and I needed this for later .

I feel really confused, Other people just see me as a nervous wreck thats got no control. Also just hate the way people talk to me. i cant stand it. i almost , actually I got an urge to run out my work screaming and wanting to jump of the top of the buildong today as my superior was so demanding and the other seems to be so superior, attitude wise ( whether thats there work mechanisms i dont know ) i am just me ..Thats the thing I just dont chang other than heresay on the computer...but getting realy nervous and anxious about Thursday In fact . thinking about my children all day and feel gutted that I am going to do this. It feels selfish somehow

To ask for more counselling seems ludicrous. but the last time I felt like shed ask questions Id say a little and she looked on things differently. But I dont know Just dont think it helped whatsoever..I dont know but the After a session i dbe good for a day or 2,,,but then Id fall back.

I feel controlled by everyone and everything...even this pill is controlling me, so cant see how this is going to help!!!

Feeling really fat , and so crabbie, actually a bit isolated. I feel put down, to the poitn that I let evryone down and its a vicious cycle, and that when F*** it, know one will know Ill have a drink. Realising though thtat I am starting to look older thanmy yrs..People thinkI am 42 and not 32. Find that gutting to. Oh well...I dont know Ill keep trying...mind you I know I promised my doctor Id not drink , compared to last week i am doiing mcuh better.....but hmmmm, don tknow its not great ..I had to have wine last night again!!! Maybe if I remebred to take the ful dose it d be better. Why am I so stupid!! I know its bad for me, I know its not a good example for my kids ...I know it kills? It just seems like the only thing that works...Mum suggested i try gin...but erm....maybe I ll try 2 gins a night after all this...its just a rocky road.

The other thing is I see mum s that look so polished and glam and really focused on theri career and children and happy with their lot..I get jealous.
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Everytime I walk, everything is unbalanced and sometime have to stop, and just get my balance. Also, everytime I walk, I get stomach cramps...and its bad, as I get anxious Im not going to make it to the lou...thats if I really need the lou ( ie) its either ..oh Im not talking about bowel movements here. Sorry...and stomach itchy.
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I feel bad for your situation but don't keep beating yourself up. Anyone in your position would have a hard time with it! But the good news is that you are never given more than you can handle, so you will recover from this. I'm glad talking to some friends helped. IT sounds to me like being unbalanced and having stomach cramps can be symptoms of anxiety. Going to a counselor might seem silly but it can help a lot. But you do need to feel like you want to get better! How does that sound?
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Hi Healthandfitnessperson, I don tknow...Nothing will stop me from crying. Good news is Ive just spoken to my mum and as she has been in this situation herself and been around alot to help, shes totally understanding and thinks I am doing the right thing.It does not stop me from hurting, as I am hurting my children , no matter what. Sorry I am shaking realy badly at the moment. My friends have been really great. One of my friends whose a twin ,,,,they did law, gave me much advice, and the lawyer I have knows that I am very anxious to get it set in motion again. Went to the office twice Both occasions in tears and choking on my words. Ive just no back bone, and I feel like I just dont want to hurt him He does these things due to his upbringing and thinks it perfectly acceptable. I know its not. But I am so worried about my children. I cry for them , more than for me ( obviously) .

I definately will not sign any parental responsibility papers until Ive had advice, so shaky going to go get a cup of tea. i really eally cant stop shaking. I thought Id feel more relieved by this stage but worse, according to my mum it will get worse before it will get better. I also have to stop myself from throwing up. A thing I used to do as a teenager, if I got stressed about exams Id have good puking sessin before going in ( that helps-not). The other thing though, is though my eldest daughter keeps things to her self she said"If daddy moves out-can I have his bedroom?" Mde me feel a bit better, as though they maybe will find it easier to accept this than I think. But ill never know about that, will I?

I dont know typing here is helping, but can tsee me getting through the night without having to have a wee glass of wine ,Tottally failing by that .I just now dont think its a good time to be trying to. Yes , Ive cut down and even had some nights off, but Ive messed up with that too. Feel like such a failure. Maybe counseling would help . Maybe it would be better than dragging friends down , who also have their own issues, .So yes, I guess its maybe a good idea. Must go get cup of tea, thats if the shakes will stop, or ill be ending up in a and e with burns..Heck, I hate this!!!!!! But thanks for responding.

Si stressed too. Taken all day to sneakily find documents to get legal aid reset, I better go thats my girls home. Thanks again.
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Children home .Thankfully there sitter gave them their dinner. i am in no fit state. still shaking and pins and needles. I kust want to curl up and sleep..Its a terrible thought...I know ..but sometimes I wish I ws properly ill. Bad -eh?
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Ok, just seen my sooliciotr. Hes setting legal aid up again. Explaeaine about these parental responsibility papers that I am supposed to sign ( looks like they are a complete waist of time , if I sign or ) If he refuses to go, then I will go ahead and report everything to my Gp, then get...what was that called an interdict report....so that want take long...but then I question (stupid me) about this.I question doing this because I want him to leave in amicable circumstances. I dont want there to be no communication as that ( and believe me, I know that can be damaging to children( Here again! round in circles...On the other side of things...if I feel hes making me so illand I am having suicidal thoughts due to his treatment, thensurely I should take this risk.....Hmmm.. So temtped to phone the lawyer back and say "Just do it" Iam such a woooz!!!! Healthandfitnessman -what would you do?

I have an appointment with my Go regarding my drink issues...and oh dear ...so worried...cause of all this week and last week ( though much better than before) but on other drugs..which havent made a joy of difference to anything or any of how I feel. They just make me sleep .Take one and sleep thenwake up and cant sleep..on and then get clumsy..I mean tried this and under these circumstances.ICANT DO IT! Me =complete failure sadooo stupid mooo. Gopd Ive got 2 lovely kids why would I ? Oh I dont know ....anyway, at least legal aids is back in action and ..Im giving myself little time to resolve this...Like a friend has said my drinking habits want change...because he will see me getting better and stronger and then damage me somemore and then i drink and round and round we go...Help....this is not right!!!!
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