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:-) Hi I have been on many many different anti depressants. Originally I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and have had added to that Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After years of trying loads of different anti-depressants and just feeling numb to life or worse, depressed and suicidal, I found a new doc who has introcued "MOOD STABILIZERS". The 1st day I took it I was EXTREMELY SUICIDAL, however the days following since then have actually helped me feel my feelings more (which is a huge plus! instead of having the whole world in numb, grey, black & white). Now I have been on it for just over 2 weeks and my Psych Doc wants me to increase from 1 tab to 1&1/2 tabs, but because of the shocking drug-induced suicidal feelings I experienced on this the very 1st day I was introduced to it, I am now SCARED AS HELL to go up on the dose! Totally understandable I feel! I have never been much of a risk taker however desperation is all that has been driving me, to find relief. Anybody had any other similiar experiences they can share re these feelings and LAMOTRIGINE, and increasing dosage feelings??? Has anybody had any success on LAMOTRIGINE I am also on 20g of Fluoxetine. Someone please help/reply.....cos I apprehensive out of my wits to increase, but if it's going to help, then....


Hi there,
I was reading your post, and just wanted to offer you some information, and perhaps some encouragement. I was talking with our pharmacist, I work in a pharmacy at a hospital, and was asking general questions. Well, the Lamotrigine (Lamictal) is generally used for seizure disorders. I dont know if there might be a new area that they are finding to use it to treat.
Now, the Lamotrigine has an effect where it will actually increase the side effects of the Fluoxetine that you are on. The best thing for you to do is to perhaps speak privately with your physician and pharmacist to make sure that there are no drug interactions that might perhaps increase these levels.
I wanted to encourage you, as much as you feel these things, to try and get out ANYWHERE where you might have some time to just quietly enjoy the outside. Perhaps it is hard for you, I am not sure. My husband is in the military, and I KNOW that it is hard to cope with feelings and nervousness panic etc, especially when I move so often and "setting down roots" is difficult. Please be encouraged. You where created for a special purpose that is revealed to you over time.
If you would like, I can be "an ear to listen" if you would like to PM me or just post. Now, suicidal thoughts should be brought to the attention of your physician and/or counselor.
Again, if there is any way that i might be able to help you (to listen) please dont hesitate. :-D :-D Hizgrace :-D :-D


Hi HIZGRACE :-) Thanks so much for your reply. I do feel your encouragement and care coming through & I really appreciate your reply. Yes generally Lamotrigine is used for seizure disorders but apparently it is also used as a Mood Stabiliser, so I'm told by my Psychiatric Meds Doctor Specialist (she is from USA and we are in New Zealand). I was given a print out of the Lamotrigine AFTER I had already started it & it clearly states suicidal thinking as a huge side effect - scary! I have since gone up on the dose anyway, out of desperation & my doc's suggestion, and that was yday and apart from a very down period at one point - no suicidal thinking, so I'm afraid it feels like all these meds are double-edged swords and I'm walking a tightrope. I do try and get out of the house, as I do feel the 4 walls close in on me sometimes :-) I certainly understand first hand your plight of moving around alot & setting down roots as my dad (now past away) was a Minister (of Religion) & we used to move every 2 years of my life & then also moved to the USA for 4 years, then returned to NZ with me now being half American in heart & half kiwi so, I sure do understand all the loss and grief u can go thru losing great friends etc - I been there done that too many times! So I empathize with you. I agree with you that I was created for a purpose and that it will be revealed over time. I am currently at a huge crossroads anyway with having my 17 year old (my 1 & only) just about to fly the coup, when nearly half my life has been devoted to raising him. So feeling that too, plus the loss of my dad 2 years ago whom I adored. Am currently going to a Prayer Healing Clinic just up the road as I have tried the Psychology way & counselling way plenty of times & most of it is not helpful i.e. "mindfulness & distraction". The docs only seem to know the theory, but now how it feels which is very frustrating feeling no-one understands. My Mum doesnt understand either but tries to tell me I will come thru this (however it has been years). It is certainly not the way I think, as Psychology tells us, and I do pray daily & ask for God's protection and guidance every step of each day. As I am only new on this site I have no idea of how to PM you, however this will do for now. Thanks ever so much again for your reply and encouragement. Sincerely from New Zealand, Ruth


Hi there HIZGRACE, thanks so much for your reply. I do feel the encouragement and sincerity shining through your reply. Yes Lamotrigine is apparently also used as a Mood Stabiliser & since my post I prayed & summoned up the courage to increase as my Psych doc had suggested. Apart from one major down period, I didn't have the same reaction to it, when I was 1st introduced to it, so phew thank God for that! I really appreciate your reply and can certainly relate to your putting down roots as my Dad (now past away 2 years ago) was a Minister (of Religion) so we moved around every 2 years of my life, including countries to the USA for 4 years, then states; Dallas, TX, Tulsa, OK, & Spokane, WA. So I empathize with you & understand 1st hand how hard that is with all the losses/grief you go thru losing good friends & having to "start all over" again. It is very very stressful & unstabilizing to say the least. I don't know how to PM you as I am only new to this site, however this will do for now. Thanks heaps for your reply and perhaps I will hear back from you. In the meantime know your encouraging and kind caring words are sincerely appreciated. Kind Regards from New Zealand, Ruth


Hi Ruth,
What a WONDERFUL post, you are SOOOOOO very welcome. You know, I LOVE The Lord, and I am very glad that you have a Christian counselor that you can go to. I have alot of friends at the Hospital I work at NavMedCtr, and they are VERY sweet and great counselors. But I like to look to my Creator for answers, and I always find that when I need the answers He ALWAYS sends someone I dont even know to provide encouragement and uplifting prayer. I like to share The Lord, but I know that I also should approach people with love and gentleness as He would, and maybe "plant a seed" of hope
I cannot possibly imagine losing my dad. It must have just torn your heart apart. But just know that he is with our Lord now, in peace and in the most incredible place imaginable. You know, I have been taking Celexa for about 6 years now, and it helps me as well. I get panic attacks sometimes where I just want to cry and it feels like I cant breathe. It is hard to explain when others dont understand. It is also hard for me too making friends. I just LOVE people, but sometimes it just seems easier to just come home and take care of things at home. Something the Lord is working on with me. I know that He has put me in MANY different situations to speak to others.
I was living in Japan and TOTALLY distraught (going through post partum depression). I went to see a secular counselor there, and had a bad situation with her, but at the end when I left, I ended being able to encourage her. Strange how things turn around like that. I have 2 boys, one is 10 and my youngest, Isaac is 14 months old.
My husband has had several LONG deployments to Iraq, and we had a REALLY rough time. We came back from Japan, and went to Florida, then went to California where I am now. I was in the hospital for diverticulitis, then 3 days later, I broke my foot SOO bad that I had 6 hours of reconstruction, with 11 screws, a plate and a bone graft. I prayed before I became sick if the Lord wanted me to be home, I recieved my answer. After 6 months of recovery, I became pregnant. (we prayed for 5 years for another). So it just never ceases to amaze me how incredible He is.
Enough about me, what is New Zealand like? I have a VERY wonderful close friend named Jillian and her hubby whom are from New Zealand... such a precious couple.
I am REALLY glad to hear that you are doing well. You know, the body is such a wonderful thing, but when our emotions and hormones and brain chemicals get out of whack, what a "wammy" it throws. I know this. These panics really got started bad when my thyroid went wacko.
I am humbled to hear that you moved so much. I know you understand how it feels. I dont want to have "pity parties" for myself, I just want to get past these issues. I know it will come some day. You know, my oldest sister had her 2 sons both "leaving the nest", and she was just beside herself. She said that it did indeed pass, and she is doing better. I have had to learn the hard way, that there are things that we go through that only make us stronger, we just have to learn to trust Him. Easier said than done sometimes.
I need to try and figure out to how to PM on this site. I have been on this site for a long time, and still need to figure it out !!! XD XD XD

Let me know how you are, and feel free to share "vent" any time you feel you need to :-D :-D :-D :-D



Hey again HIZGRACE4ALL. No I don't have a christian counsellor, but I do go to the local Prayer Healing Clinic on Tuesday evenings for prayer cos I've tried psychologists and all their techniques like "mindfulness" and "distraction" just aren't helpful at all to me. Especially when you are in a drug-induced feeling of way way way down! I told them distraction when you are in that state is like a truck running over your foot and trying to distract yourself from the pain - or denying it - and I ain't good at denial (not the River in Egypt! :) ) Yep looking to our Creator for answers is great, that's why I like Proverbs especially, because it has time-surpassing wisdom, that if applied can make you very wise indeed, and in effect, help us in this theme park called life! :) I find I am more of a brain-stormer though, and I've always been raised with 2 heads are better than one, etc etc, don't get me wrong, I am very independant, perhaps too much so and need to learn to ask for help more! However when searching for solutions sometimes we can just go round and round in circles ourselves, but when you have a bouncing off ideas or brainstorming session, it brings fresh ideas/solutions into your head which are just fantastic. Amen on your attitude re sharing the Lord. My philosophy is this; that if someone ASKS me I will share, however from my teenage years seeing a guy on a literal soapbox on a street corner one Friday night, yelling, screaming, pointing people out in the crowd/passers by and saying YOU ARE GOING TO HELL! I remember very vividly and intentionally trying to get past him without him pointing at me and yelling something just as (what he believed to be convicting and helpful) upsetting. I cemented my decision that very late Friday night as a teen, that I would never shove christianity/religion down anybody's throat whatsoever, despite what the Church says that we should all share....I think everybody is different, has had different experiences/traumas, whatever, and everyone needs a different approach, especially when it comes to the touchy subject of christianity/religion/God. Yeah losing my Dad was my biggest significant loss (by death) ever....I adored him all my life. He was the first man I ever loved. I thought he was (and he was) so many things; so funny, pulled funny faces, had a great personality, was very intelligent, knew lots of wise things, was humble & admitted he didn't know everything, knew he was far from perfect, had a great heart & sincerely tried to help so so many people along the paths of his life. So yep, I fought with God over that one big time. It took 9 days for him to pass from the time they called me & told me to round everyone up - that he was dying. Terror struck me - as that moment I had feared all my life, I finally had to face. They hospital was great in that they allowed me to stay/care for & sleep on a trampoline mattress beside his bed those whole 9 days. I was not about to leave his side, apart from cigarette breaks lol. Geez I've got off track here haven't I?! Yes I have the gift of the gab, and once trust is established am very open and sharing - however "something" (my gut which I believe is God) is telling me loudly and clearly you are very trustworthy, honest, sincere, caring and open yourself. So I trust that! :) So suffice to say, yeah it sure did tear my heart apart, I was suicidal. I kept going to the Hospital Chapel and writing diaries to God on which day it was and that I was NOT ready to let my dad go. I finally got to the point where I realized he WOULD be better off in heaven, and that he had had a good innings (he was 74 when he died) and that it was GOD'S TIME (dammit!) to take him. I tell ya it gives me goosebumps too to recall the night he died - and I only shared this with my Mum. But I will share with you. The night that he died I said to Mum "this is the night Mum, don't go home, 2nite's the night" - it was just my gut telling me, and yet up until then we were just foggily wondering and waiting....anyway it was just me and mum in the room that evening and we were gently caring for him (because he had pnemonia by this stage and had been taken off all fluids and life supporting stuff) and THEN I said Mum you are going to think I am nuts and I wouldn't tell many people this at all, but there are ANGELS in this room! I couldn't see them, but I sensed them, and his hospital room was FULL OF THEM! I know I am very sensitive to environments and I can go places and say ugh that place had "bad kharma or mojo", I can't necessarily discern what it is, but I can intuitively sense good or peaceful environments. Mum said after I shared, Oh Ruth you have a gift! I couldnt believe her answer - considering Dad was just about to go! I finally relented and HAD to go out for a smoke, where I met up with a regular smoker buddy of mine whom I'd gotten to know over the past 9-10 days - however she was a cancer victim. At first she was very inspiring and amazing like I', gunna beat this and then she was like, nope the doc's have told me I', gunna die, no medical help can help me now. So here was me sharing with her about the issues I have had with God and the Church as such, being judged and all, and was encouraging her that that crud shouldn't stop her from having a relationship with God - because after all, thats what it's all about. Then my mum rang my cell and said Ruth it's time. Man I dashed up that elevator & down those halls & thru all the buzzer/security doors so fast - it was like lightning. I was there enuf to see his whole body and face change colour and u could clearly see - he, my dad, his spirit, had gone. And I sensed the Angels had gone too. So maybe that was God trying to comfort me to precisely where he was going, not that I had any doubt, but it was a comfort to know AND experience. Geez why did I feel like I needed to share all that with you lol! Sorry if I am too long winded, however it would be good to get to know you. And yes, reading above, I am also comforted to know he is free from all pain, hurt, grief, worry, you name it. I got a tattoo on my thigh with "Dad" a sunset in the middle, and the dates of his life below. That helped me for closure, in some strange way - like he will always be apart of me, a huge part, and kind of like being on my thigh/hip he was my help & support in life, so significant to be placed there.

Anyway on to replying to the rest of your note. I wholeheartedly agree - it is extremely hard to explain to others when they have had NO experience. It's like trying to describe childbirth, the depth of pain etc is different for everyone, and just how deep only that person knows and understands. And if you ain't given birth, then lol it's extremely hard to good describer or not, get that person "on the same page" of understanding, so I empathise with your plight there. Thats all I need too, is someone to understand! The doctors don't, respectfully - they only know the theory, and they admit that. Yeah I love people wholeheartedly too, but like you, find it hard to let people close, as I have trust issues - and I know trust is earned over a period of time, and yeah it is way easier to just go home and submerge yourself/devote yourself to your kids, house, etc etc.

Oh post partum depression - I got that too. In fact, thats where it all started. Bad pregnancy - not morning sickness, ALL DAY SICKNESS! lol. And 49 hour labour doesn't help either. Yeah I can only just imagine the culture changes going to Japan, then Florida, then California! I know from living just in the States alone, that every state is very very different. Like "we have ways of doing things round here, and this ain't it" lol. It gets very confusing boundary wise & as you said, putting down roots/making friends.

Yeah the praying to get your answer thing you mentioned - that must have been frustrating waiting so long for another strongly desired child. I still struggle with everything in "God's Timing only thank you" especially when it is personal suffering that seems to be pointless, meaningless, purposeless and so intense, and so enduring, with no hope in sight. Even my Mum does not understand, despite my efforts to describe. However I am very very thankful that she has not abandoned me, that she is still devoted & committed to being my Mum and that she loves me with her whole heart. THAT just melts me to tears & tears of gratitude. Oh where are your friends in New Zealand? What City? Island? I'm in the North Island in the biggest city called Auckland.

Yeah that verse that goes on about us being "fearfully and wonderfully made" is so true. It explains our bodies are so complex knit and interlinked and the older I get the more amazed I am that a sore will heal over. Something I used to take for granted when I was younger lol. I personally think you all have better medical docs over there, as they are in fear of malpractice, whereas here our law makes it very hard to sue for such a thing, so consequently alot of our doc's aren't as onto it, or whatever as in the US. No, I too am not interested in having a pity party, just want resolution and healing and to be able to move ahead THAT WAY (straight ahead) free from this. It's good that you know it will come some day. I don't. This has just been an unending pit of ups, downs, despair, distress, worse suicidal, etc. There never seems to be an end. I have been on just about every medication there is, and some of them have been down right traumatizingly scary. The last one I came off very slowly I had head tremors for 6 months! I was told to wean off it within a month, but knowing myself I took 3 months - and my nervous system still freaked out like that!

Yep I can certainly understand your sis being beside herself with the empty nest. I've been going thru phases of that for years as Brian has grown up. He is now 17. But very very mature and insightful and wise beyond his years, just like I was when I was growing up (still am lol). Yeah my Mum told me that it would pass, but it seems to be a very long pass lol....just like layers of an onion ring. And my Mum still had Dad when all of us left home. My fiance of 4 years told me to move on Oct 2008, and with my Mum now aged 72, yes, the 2 people I still remain in this world/live for are slowly fading away.....not something I deal with easily - letting go. And to me that verse somewhere in the bible that says "The Greatest of Grief shows the Greatest of Love" has really helped me understand myself.

Yep trust IS easier said than done. I have to pray, God please HELP me to have trust and faith in you, because you know how I have felt so let down, suffered etc, when you could have healed me just like that, but chose not to, let me suffer. Yep. However somebody said to me the other day yes sometimes God does do miracles & heal people just like that & sometimes he chooses to incrementally heal us because that person might not be able to emotionally/mentally whatever handle a miraculous healing. So guess what - I was on my knees humbly apologizing to God for not understanding his ways. It was almost like he said, don't worry, I have plenty of kids and they're all angry at me for one reason or another (which made me kinda laugh).

Well I don't know whether I can get away with posting such a long reply, but I'm gonna copy & paste it just in case lol. And may I remind you you did say feel free to share "vent" lol - you just weren't expecting it all in one go were you haha. Anyway good to hear from you and thanks heaps for your hearty reply. I was going to say I wish you luck, but instead I will say that I will keep you in my prayers for your healing/recovery too ay? Tis awesome to have met you. Thanks so much for being a friend from such a long way away! Hugs, Ruth in New Zealand


Hi Ruthie,
You post was funny. You know it really amazes me to see some of those people standing in the streets screaming those things to people, they REALLY dont understand how VERY much they ARE NOT representing the Lord, and how they are actually turning people away from the Lord. I am working on so many things, and trying to learn to trust the Lord more and more.
My husband and I want me to stay home with the children and we are really trying, as I stayed home with my first, and only worked out of the home for about 4 hours a night. Being an at home mom is a HUGE job, huge but wonderful.
Well we are looking at short selling our house right now, and its looking like we might stand to lose about 190,000. But the Lord has REALLY put it on my heart that it is exactly where he wants me to be. I had a BAD accident in 07' and I had 6 hours of reconstruction on my foot 11 screws, a plate and a bonegraft. In August, they are doing some reconstruction on my ankle.
Needless to say, my middle name is not "grace".
I noticed that you mentioned about "shoving Christianity" down peoples throats,and I agree with you. I think that some churches really need to look at what they are teaching. Because I believe that people DO need encouragement in the Lord, but the biggest show of your relationship with Jesus is how you live. None of us will be perfect, but our living testimony speaks louder.
I wasnt really close to my Mom and Dad, I know that they love me, they were just SOOO busy with the 7 of us. Anyway, I didnt learn to truly appreciate them until I had children. So as you can imagine, I REALLY had to eat some "humble pie" at ask forgiveness for lots, and seek restoration. My mom and I are SOOOO close now though.
I went through sexual assaults when I was growing up (teenage years) and I really didnt think or understand having a close relationship with Jesus or God. I am still learning, always will be, but one thing that I noticed was, when I prayed for a hubby, God blessed me SOOOO much, and a lady counselor friend of mine said "Did you ever think that God would try to show his character and love to you through your husband?" I hadnt thought that way.
It is REALLY nice to have people whom can keep you "accountable" and can be "outside the scenes" and give you a true, objective, loving/tough love view of what they see.
Your Dad really sounds like a neat man. I would have melted if that were me.
You know a friend of mine died about 9 years ago, and she was coming in and out of consciousness, she said "Oh God, Mom, Jesus is SOOOOOO beautiful, Oh God HE IS SOOOO BEAUTIFUL, MOM" Her doctor said she would be hallucinating right now and she said "Im NOT hallucinating," and she named all of our presidents forward and backward.
Her mom had asked her what Jesus was saying to her, and she said "Well, He asked me if I wanted to be healed or if I wanted to come home with Him, "....her mom said "What did you say?" She said "I told Him I wanted to come home with Him". She died IMMEDIATELY and the look on her face was the most beautiful thing you could ever see. When you mentioned your mom telling you that you have a gift, she is truthful.
You mentioned your tattoo, my husband has many, but I am SOOOO chicken to get one. It sounds pretty, though.
It seems really hard LATELY to not let this anxiety keep me in bed, and to get going, but I have to keep talking to the Lord CONSTANTLY....Let me know how you are.

Hugs :-P :-P :-P :-P :-P


Hey Hizgrace,

Wow you replied again! :-) Cool :-) It seems to me we are on the same page with alot of attitudes and opinions etc, which is just relieving and great all at the same time. Yep I think learning to trust is a critical element towards having faith, feeling safe and combatting anxiety, and like you said, it is hard and we are all working on it, at some level. I remember my ex fiance who told me 8 months ago to "move on with your life" after 4 years of consistent "you are definitely the woman I want to marry" (almost from the first month!) thought it terrible when I said I had lost trust and faith. He was like "how COULD you?!" and I was like, just live a little longer mate! The stupid thing is he was 45 and I was 38 and yet he had lived a very sheltered, much easier life than I, I have seen more of the world, outside New Zealand, lived it, and been a single Mum for years - a very hard road all by yourself. He had just been the provider for his family (which is hard enuf in itself) but NOT a hands on Dad whatsoever. So I taught him a whole bunch of stuff on how to actually talk to his kids and try to connect with them - he really had no idea of how to do that either. I tried to encourage him in so many things, but suffice to say, when one person has had world's-apart more life experience than the other, and the other is without being dissy - very tremendously naiive, it is just so hard...

Well re your staying home with your second child, I completely understand how you feel. I have only had the 1, but I do not regret everything I have invested in him over these 17 years, with jobs that I have had to resign from because it was too much responsibility as my priority and heart was more with him or whatever. I followed my heart and gut to make those very tough decisions, (because it also made us go into stressful poverty) but I gotta tell ya looking back, all those years I put into him are now paying off - and they will continue to pay off for a lifetime - especially in the formative years so they say. I was listening to Dr James Dobson on the radio awhile back and I was amazed to hear him say that with all the peer pressure out there, all the c**p that surrounds & influences our young ones - it still remains that THE PARENTS are the biggest influencers no matter what age they are in life! I was like wow, really, ugh, (feeling so imperfect, but trying to do my best) ok well thats cool news then!

Good luck with your upcoming reconstruction surgery on your ankle in August! Lucky we got local anesthetics nowdays ay XD

Oh yeah and yeah I agree - I've been in so many different churches that make you feel stink for not having the gift of tongues or not "burning out for god" or "giving all credence, credit, grace etc to god" which I find rather matyrdomish. I mean hello, we need to have been co-operative with God to do what he asked us to do in the first place right? So there is some personal credit where credit is due business. And AMEN! I wholeheartedly agree that the actions and how you live speaks to much louder and is a living testimony to others, (pressure pressure XD ) than any WORDS or whatever. I think talk is so cheap really, especially when it comes to showing sincerity or true love and care or loyalty or whatever.

Wow I bet your parents were extremely busy with 7 kidlings! God bless them! Yep I bet they did their best too and the biggest thing is that they loved you and did their best with the wisdom they had then at the time, thats all you can ask of a parent, apart from passing on and equipping as much as you know for their handing over ability to deal with "life", the world and living in it. I told my Mum she had it easier cos she had Dad, as a disciplinarian, financial AND emotional support with us kids. She didnt like hearing that. We decided it wasnt wise to compare. But she will never know how lonely and hard to road is completely by yourself. Yep I too realized as I got older thee amazing parents that I had been gifted with. No, of course they weren't perfect, but then neither am I, and no-one ever can be. And yep I remember when I had my son, facing all these new challenges like even just pushing the pram down from our humble home to the doctor's and all the hazards that I didn't even know about, until then, then all the other issues you go thru when raising them. I can remember being absolutely Gobsmacked and found a newfound sense of ultimate take my hat off to all parents RESPECT for the huge trials they face! I really had no idea what total asses some people had for parents, until I just lived and learned, got older. Yes, I had had a very very strict upbringing, much harsher than alot of people, but I realize now that is because they loved and cared about me. Instead of some parents who just get so permissive, they don't give a damn and completely let go and give no guidance, teaching or wisdom whatsoever.

I'm really glad you and your Ma are so close now. That is really special. Sorry about the earlier years re sexual assault - I understand how soul destroying that can be.

That is interesting what you said about praying for a hubby. I grieved so bad when James told me last October to move on. I felt so secure with him, he was very demonstrative in his love and care, but he did not know how to communicate very well/intimacy etc. No, I wouldnt have really thought of the demonstrative way in which hubbies show their love would be similar to God's either, however I do believe thats how he created us to live. In relationship, family, community etc. Loneliness is a killer, believe you me, and as the bible says it ain't good for man (or woman!) to be alone! Yep well I am the biggest person that keeps me accountable. And yeah amen on giving you a true, honest, objective, tough love perspective of what they see. However I would add this, that it should be the Holy Spirit that convicts you and their true words should "resonate" within God what has already told you or is trying to tell you, rather than condemning you.

Wow thanks for sharing the story about your friend who passed away and expressing how Jesus is SO beautiful. Yep I saw the same look of serenity/peace on my Dad's peace as/when he was passing. It was almost like it took a few minutes for his spirit/soul to completely leave until there was just a body lying there mortally dead. Amen when she said "I am NOT hallucinating!" All I can say is how terrible that must have been for her Mum and you. I would just want to die if I lost my son.

Yeah I have more than the one memorial tattoo for Dad because after those ones on the other hip I have 2 bottle-nosed dolphins swimming towards each other (kind of like yin and yang symbol swims towards each other). That is representative of the fact that I love dolphins because they are so loving and friendly and sociable creatures and I also love to swim/snorkel/dive (only when it is warm tho! XD Really let me tell you, I was way chicken to get my first one, as you hear all these different stories, and your imagination can run absolutely wild and I won't say it didn't hurt cos that would just be lying, but it really does depend on what area you get it done on your body and also I think how old you are. I got the dolphins when I was about 26 I think and then the sunset with water. Then Daffy Duck on my shoulder (in colour) to represent my sense of fun and love of Daffy's character and personality. When I got Dad's one done I was like 35-36 and man, did that hurt alot more! It also depends on whether that tattooist is experienced and NOT IN A HURRY. Because they more they hurry, the more it hurts. I've had 3 different tattooists and I gotta say the guy with the most experience (he has like been tattooing people since he was a teen and he is like 60 something now) lol so I just put that down to the fact that I was older and more intolerant of pain lol...but only God knows the actual truth. But yeah for sure if you are interested, be mindful that it is all about the above factors, the biggest being WHERE you put it on your body as obviously your inner arm or thigh is going to be much more painful than your outer arm and thigh ;-)

I'm really sorry that your anxiety has kept you in bed. I have been there many many many many times. I tell you what I really do think these Lamotrigine have taken away alot of anxiety and it almost seems like I am starting to see remnants of the old Ruth that I thought had been lost many years back. I'm not so overly sensitive now, although still sensitive and tender hearted, but I can take a hell of alot more teasing and jokes now. Although hard, I could say goodbye to my son 2nite after an awesome weekend together without getting really super down in the dumps, I can actually laugh and tell jokes now, which I havent been able to do for so long. I think I am less worried about what other people appear to think of me, so boy, taking that risk of upping AND staying on this med that initially was terrible, seems, touch wood, like it is now starting to pay off huge. It's only been 3 weeks now too I think. So to see such significant improvements is surreal. Kind of like, oh God I hope this is not going to veer off and stop working like so many meds before this one have done. I'm just so thankful that I have had my mother's and my son's "gut feeling" that I will come right because them and their gut feeling is really all that has enabled me to keep hanging in thru this living hell. And it has been that for years, no pity party, just stating major facts, and not exaggerating either! I am sure you understand, as if the anxiety is keeping you in bed, then I have a very good idea of where you are at, simply because I have been there all too many times myself. And ya know, I hope this encourages you, but it seems to me in my view of life 38 years thus far, that THEE MOST LOVING & CARING, GENUINE & SINCERE of people are usually the ones that suffer from much more anxiety than others. So I hope you are able to receive that as a "building you up" statement :-)

Well I best be off otherwise they might have to chop down some trees to publish this on the internet XD and I am sure you are busy with 2 kiddies and a house under your close eye too. Am really thankful and glad that I have met you. Seems like I have found a great friend :-D Will wait to hear back from you when you can.

Hugs, Ruth in New Zealand


Hey again HizGrace :D ,

Just thinking about what you said re praying for a hubby. It really got me thinking, in a good way. As I mentioned in my earlier post, my fiance told me to move on last Oct 2008 - oh, so that is 9 months ago now. It really broke my heart completely & utterly, and understandably so, and I have really waded my way thru the grief/loss & heartbreak.

God has been speaking to me through different people lately on this very subject, but especially my Mum on letting go. She said if you are holding on so tightly to something/someone (as I do, because I treasure/cherish/love them so much, but dont misunderstand me - I don't suffocate! lol) how can God open your hand to place something new/better in there?

That principle really hit home for me. Of course my heart didn't want to let James go, because I loved him with my whole heart and soul and he was a very very good man (not many of them left nowdays!). I still don't know the reason why he "out of the blue" told me to move on with my life, but I think after what I have been learning lately about letting go of the old etc, it has really spoke to me hugely.

I read somewhere just recently that God knows why (quite literally) why some people only come into our lives for a reason or a season, and God only knows why they didn't make the distance, but God actually WANTS to put something BETTER into your hand/life, so he is not punishing you or trying to cause you grief/heartbreak or distress (I didn't think that), but merely only wanting to give you something/someone better! :D Well to me, I can't imagine anybody better than James, as he just peaked everyone I had EVER been married to (only the once! lol) or committed to. However, I guess God is in the miracle business, he DOES know best and never ceases to amaze/befuddle people (especially me lol as I don't have his mind whatsoever I just don't get his ways lol).

So I reckon when I have fully heart healed, I am praying to exactly the same end as you probably were - that God will bring me the better/right partner FOR LIFE to demonstrate his love for me through. Wow, what an amazing thought, especially when you are desiring a mate to share life with. Who knows I might get so healed/comfortable/thrice bitten quadruple shy (lol) that I would actually be content to be by my lonelsome lol (but knowing myself I don't think so lol). I think if you are with the right person, within reason, you should still be able to be yourself, fulfill your goals, have common shared goals, make compromises (to a limit), share, uplift, encourage, support and care for each other and still be an individual, but not ACT as a single, act as if you are in a PARTNERSHIP - which is exactly what James found hard to do. He did what he wanted, and told me what he was going to do, then went ahead and did it, without any consulting or communication or compromise with me. To me that wasn't acting in partnership or as partners do, and he said all that would change when we married, but I said uh uh, this is a trial run to marriage - if you cant act like you are in a partnership now, then there is no way you think I should believe you are going to be any different just because we are now officially married. I ain't that naiive in relationships. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you've planted a good seed of hope in my heart for a future hubby, so thanks heaps mate. I hope all is going well at your end of the world. Love and Hugs, Ruth in New Zealand :D


Hi Ruthie,
I am REALLY glad to have helped. It is SEEMINGLY soooo very hard to let go of someone. I moved out here to California "chasing" my "dream". After I told him that I didnt want to be with him anymore, it wasnt working, he said "That's fine, you'll just have to do this ALL BY YOURSELF....ALONE ." I was petrified, here I was, in Cali, I worked 3 jobs to make ends meet, I was too ashamed to go back to Florida or Georgia, so I stayed. I met a friend when I was working at the Hilton and he asked me to go to church with him (I didnt marry him, he was a great friend). He said, "I think you really need to go ." So I went to his church, and met the most wonderful people, and asked the Lord into my heart. I had a hard time understanding. I guess for a while I just went through some lonliness bad. Well, the Lord always brings me into things in HIS time which is the best time, and I got a GREAT job. I walked through my Christian beginning a bit rocky, and I am still growing. I used to think real men were no longer. I had some really bad experiences when I was dating starting through my teenage years.o
I forgave the awful things that happened, and moved on. Well, I met my husbands sister in college, and we became good friends. She said to me one day "I know who your husband is goin"g to be. I just know." Needless to say, I thought she was crazy. About 2 months later, her mom had a stroke, and was in the hospital. Then I decided (I was nervous) that I wanted to go and pray over her mom. Well, I walked into the hospital room,and there he was. I just felt different. After that he asked his sister to ask if he could call me. Well, he called and eventually we went out. My dad had said to me once (he is a man of little words, especially lovey dovey ) and my dad said "You will know when he is the one, when he looks at you, doesnt even say "I love you" and you feel a "shock", and you cant speak, but you can see it in his eyes". The first time he said "I love you" to me, I felt that "shock", and I just knew .
Anyway, do not let your heart grow weary.



Hi Ruthie,
I wanted to tell you that your posts have truly blessed me. I have gone through many periods of time with feeling hopeless, and all the while The Lord was telling me "Hello.....I'm here, remember Me telling you to cast your burdens on Me? Dont be so doggone stubborn, child. Dont be such a control freak." Now, I know He would never say such a thing, but just the "human" thoughts. I wanted to tell you what chills it gave me when you mentioned about the angels. That is just INCREDIBLE !!!
What a blessing your posts are, it just seems like The Lord knows the BEST timing when we can encourage each other. Listen, I went to San Diego Community Bible church this morning, and my pastor had this ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE SERMON today, which you can hear on your PC. You should check it out on the website. The worship was SOOOO powerful, and the sermon about had me in tears. I have always wondered if other believers ever had some of the doubts and things that sometimes get to me.
Ruthie, I wanted to ask you if you have ever had your thyroid tested. I remember when my thyroid went haywire, and I had alot of the depression etc. symptoms that you were mentioning. I also know that several docs at the hospital where I work have told me that when your thyroid goes haywire, it effects EVERYTHING. I was just thinking about that a little while ago.
I am getting a little nervous about my upcoming surgery. I have to have a mosaicplasty of my talus bone in my ankle. I had a SUPER bad fall 2 years ago, and had my ankle reconstructed for 6 hours. Well, I guess it had an effect on my ankle too. But the doctor I am seeing in Laguna Hills is supposed to be EXCELLENT !! Please keep me in prayer, as I dont like to be "out of commission" like that. I will probably be posting quite a bit at that time. That is how I found this site, was when I had my foot surgery, and I was looking for information on my Lisfranc francture/dislocation/crush....MESS. Anyway, I am going to run off to bed, off to work in the morning. Have a blessed night.
Thanks for your blessings of your posts

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D Hizgrace


Hey there again Hizgrace,

I meant to mention to you in my last post that I would be including you in my regular prayers re your ankle, but I guess I blurbed out so much other stuff lol I forgot to mention the most important thing lol, sorry bout that. I can only see your last post to reply to, but I did get to read the both. Thanks for the not growing weary thing, I have been, but am not in that space at the moment - am just praying God will bring a better one my way one day when my heart is ready/healed.

Aw I'm so glad my posts have blessed you. Wow thats pretty cool. I feel you have been the same to me, I just put it in different words lol :).

Haha you and I sound so so similar. especially about the "hello, i'm here, remember me, 1st Peter 5:7 i.e. cast ALL your cares on me..." verse (one of my favourite verses!!!). Yep I'd have to admit that I am a super organized, routine, control freak personality too. Out of routine out of the blue stuff (which frequently happens in life lol) can tend to really throw me and send me into panic/worry.

The panic/getting thrown feeling probably happens to alot of people and perhaps we are just being alot more open about it? :)

Yeah I agree with you, God wouldn't say that - he would gently and slowly work with each unique individual to be able to lean on/trust in him more, hour by hour sometimes, and day by day. As a real organizer I always plan, look ahead, plan "plan a, b & c, just in case plan a & b turn to custard" lol - well that's what I've learnt out of life anyway - you gotta at least have a Plan B at least - the best laid plans of mice and men and all that.

Am glad that my sharing that experience of sensing Angels blessed you/gave you chills. It gave me chills just re-writing/re-living/recalling it! I have never had such an experience in my life before OR since then, however my Dad was the first significant person I have actually lost by death, rather than it just not working out or moving cities or whatever.

Yep I am certainly here to encourage you where I can. I believe in a 2 way street friendship, not just one way cos that just ain't fair on either party, however my Mum advised me in my teens that relationships, especially marriage is all about give and take and sometimes you give 70% and receive 30% and sometimes you give 50% and you receive 50% - she was trying to teach me that relationships change, depending on circumstances etc and that it will not always "seem fair". That put me in really good stead for the future, but like you, had many many series of bad/toxic/untrustworthy or whatever long-term relationships where I was committed and faithful, but the other half wasn't. And like you, I didn't believe there was such a thing as a good man existing (at least in my age category anyway lol).

Re your wondering if any other believers have doubts etc - of course they do! They are all at different levels, and sharing that kind of intimate information is not something alot of people do - they keep it tight to their chest between them and God only, for shame or judgement might come upon them or whatever. Just to read the Bible and see so many lamentations and psalms and expressions of pain, etc etc, you can betcha that ever since Noah was in Nappies (Diapers lol) that every single person, believer or not, have their doubts. And I was reminded today when I was transcribing some wisdom from 1997 (!) into a book of mine of that verse that says "the devil is forever roaming around like a lion, seeing whom he can devour". I had written in my book (from 1997) that when fear, doubt or whatever ATTACK you & that's gotta be the anti-christ, so subtle he makes you think it was all YOUR thoughts! Anyway I had written to pray without ceasing, reach out to someone you implicitly trust, get prayed over etc etc. We can't always do that with the pace of life these days, but that's why I keep going to my weekly Prayer Healing Clinic. I have found that that principle of "where 2 or more are gathered" does seem to work alot better, than when I just pray by my little lonesome - gutted! I DO wonder why it doesnt work as well when I'm on my own....argh.

Yep I do think I've had my thyroid checked through blood tests and it all seems to be apparently normal. I have always had hormonal trouble and am quite irregular. I had a shocking pregnancy and thats where most of it all started i.e. post natal depression (49 hour labour for starters!) and all day sickness throughout the ENTIRE pregnancy which I think I already mentioned before. Our bodies are so complex - it can be anything that causes anything, and it is often very challenging for doc's nowdays to find out the root cause, cause they do tend to treat symptoms nowdays instead of digging for a root cause.

I think a little humour is in order to throw off those pre-operative nerves. Mosaic-Plasty? It sounds like they are going to beautifully glass tile you with multi coloured glass and plasticine haha. No in all seriousness, I WILL be praying for you from now until then, AND afterwards, so rest assured you will be covered with prayer and ya know I think sometimes God gives OTHERS the faith that we need to encourage us, otherwise his plan of us all needing each other wouldn't work too well now would it? I have many times had to borrow my Mum or even my son's faith that I am going to "come right" and be completely healed, bouncing for joy/able to cope alot better etc. I think God sometimes plops faith into others, rather than yourself, so you can be encouraged. And certainly you can take comfort in the fact that you have the very best specialists who know what the hay they are doing too. So it sounds all good. And I sooooooooo understand about the being out of commission thing lol. I think if you are anything like me, you are very very determined and won't let that stop you. Even if you have to be on crutches or wheelchair or whatever (I don't know) I can envision you tearing round doing all the things you normally do, with a little help here and there from your loved ones until you fully recover.

Anyway I think in the past number of posts I have sent they have chopped down many many forests (lol) so I will bid you adieu too. And rest assured I will be keeping you in my daily thoughts and regular prayers! FYI - I am definitely feeling alot LOT better on this Lamotrigine than ANYTHING else I have ever been on before. I just pray that that keeps going, touch wood, pray to God, cross my heart, fingers AND toes lol.....

Anyway Hugs from Ruth in New Zealand xoxoxoxo :D


Hey there HIZGRACE,

Haven't heard from you in awhile & u did say u wld be posting on here more often, so I hope it is just cos u are busy, and not something I have said to offend, if so - my sincerest apologies. Am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Ruth in NZ :D


Hi Again Ruthie XD
I havent posted in a bit, I am getting ready for my surgery on the 17 of August. I had to run around like a crazy woman trying to get my Family Medical Leave Act paperwork taken care of (it ensures I dont lose my job due to an injury). I had surgery on my foot to reconstruct it which was 6 hours. I fell and had a traumatic break. Well, the orthopedic surgeon who fixed my foot, transferred with the Navy to Jacksonville florida, and I am here in San Diego.
Well, my ankle started REALLY bothering me (EXCRUCIATING), so I HAD to go to a specialist because he didnt want anyone messing up the 11 screws, bone graft and plate in my foot. Come to find out, there were several franctures that went unnoticed and my talar dome has gauges in it, so they have to do some surgery now, and put in screws in my ankle. FUN FUN FUN. Good thing I have a VERY high pain tolerance. Anyway, my surgeon is up in Laguna Hills, and I live in San Diego, which is about a 2 hour trip. So getting off to the office was pretty much NOT a quick prospect. So now I have my paperwork, submitted it, was approved, and I am finishing up the rest.
How are things over there? We have had a nice temperature drop here, although it doesnt really get too hot here.
My family is doing well, and we are moving forward with things. My boys are growing quick.
How are you feeling, and what have you been up to? Are things getting better? Just keep your chin up, I know the Lord will bring you a WONDERFUL man who will bless you. I am going to run, I will post more later, I have to get back to work.



Hey there again HizGrace,

Oh ok you been super busy by the sounds of things then. And surgery in about 10 days time! Wow sounds like quite an ordeal paperwork wise! Well weather wise it is still cold here, but we are starting to see more sun which is relieving! (We being on the opposite side of the world to you have the opposite seasons to you if you didn't know).

Thanks for the encouragement re wonderful man who will bless me - nice thought. Yep ok, well I hope it all goes well with you and your surgery, I am sure it will all go just fine, but just so you know, I will be prayin' for ya.

Hugs from Ruth in NZ