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I posted on here I believe a few weeks ago about the horrid thoughts I had about harming people I love and how after a silly argument with my Dad made me react to these nasty thoughts by hurting my beautiful little cat. Everything had been going fine and I had managed to ignore the thoughts and push them to the back of my head and I was getting back to track with trying to live normally again.

But then last night I just don't even know what happened I was fine then all of a sudden I hurt my cat again when she came near me!!! I don't even understand why I did it and it was like my body was being controlled by someone else. I snapped out of it straight away and gave my poor baby a cuddle.

I literally couldn't believe what I'd just done. I broke down crying and felt so sick. It was then at that moment that I knew I couldn't keep these horrible thoughts to myself and I knew I needed to tell someone about them as it was making it worse by not talking to anyone. So I went and poured my heart out to my mum. Luckily she totally understood and said she had heard of these OCD symptoms before which was a huge relief lifted off of my shoulder.

She's told me she would come to the doctors with me and that she'd support me no matter what. But I just still feel bad for what I have done and sometimes I feel like maybe it isn't the OCD and that I am just a horrible person. I'm too frightened to go near my little kitty again even though she came up to me earlier to give me a cuddle which broke my heart because she was still loving towards me even after how mean I had been to her. I honestly don't even know why I did it and I just want to kill myself so I know I won't be a danger to others :( Sorry that it is such a long essay I just need someone to talk to who might understand and thank you for taking the time to read it.

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Hi RiHa,

I am by no means skilled to be answering this question but I am a person who cares and cares about everyone.  Everyone has a chance and deserves chances again and again (depending on what is done) and you deserve chance after chance as you still have so much love to give - I can hear it in your voice.

Please, please, please - you are too loved by all to leave this world so young.  Your kitten came and gave you a cuddle this morning letting you know that she forgives you and still loves you - she is innocent and needs attention as well she knows that you are the person that provides this to her.  She will still come to you no matter what, just the same as small children whom are abused they will always think they did something wrong and go to the person that hurt/harmed them.

You are doing the right thing and did the right thing by talking to someone about it and you talked to the right person about it, your mother whom loves you unconditionally.  She understands you and will stand by you and support you with whatever you may need.  Taking this step is the hardest part and you understand yourself so well that you knew that had to seek and talk to someone about this problem.

Take care and please do no self harm.  Good luck with your situation and us posters here are always here for you and will listen when we can and supply answers when we can.  Thinking of you...

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Hi lizardqueen420 Thank you for replying :) I very much appreciate you taking the time to read this and reply. Thank you for not thinking I am a horrible person as I had posted this somewhere else too and that told me I was crazy and needed locking up which hurt and upset me. But it made me think maybe they are right maybe it is not OCD and I am just a horrid person. My little cat has been coming up to me since I got home from work wanting cuddles but I have only just cuddled her for a little second and then walked away as I don't want to be around her long in case my mind tells me to do it again and I do. I feel horrible not giving her cuddles as she had always comforted me in the past when I had depression so to not be able to show her how much I love her hurts me so much.
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Hello RiHa, please don't worry too much about what those other people said ... You most certainly are not a horrible person, neither are you crazy or in need of being locked up. But you know that already, don't you? You feel bad for hurting your cat and that proves that you are not a bad person. I think you are suffering from extreme stress and anxiety and in your frustration you just want to lash out at something. This last episode was probably triggered by the argument with your dad. I understand how you feel and i hope you can be reassured when i tell you that these feelings will subside in time. Please do see your doctor though, and be as honest as you have been here.
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Thank you for replying too :) I feel like the weight has been lifted off of my shoulder after telling my mum. It was so tough having to keep the thoughts a secret. My main worry now is being around my cat. I haven't been near her for a couple of days as I'm worried I may react on the horrible thoughts. Even though I keep telling my brain to ignore it a small part of it keeps telling me to react on it which is really upsetting me :/
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