Dear Alone with Adderall,
Wow!...you just might be my evil twin...
Thank you so much for sharing your story (and mine). YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am also 31, and was clinically diagnosed with ADD (plus the "H" in my less inhibited girlhood years ) - I was also in a car accident, 15 years ago in a 1980's tin-can-sedan with a seat belt recall (no it wasn't a toyota, LOL). I was in the passenger seat when we T-boned another car doing around 50mph. I wore my seat-belt (thankfully) and thus did not fly through the windshield - unfortunately the seat belt mechanism that should have caught upon impact did not engage, and I pretty much became one with the dashboard. I was never diagnosed with brain trauma, but after reading your posting my history is starting to make sense. While I have had ADD since childhood, I somehow managed to get by in school and life relatively well with a variety of physical and creative outlets to keep my young mind in check. I also had a mid-3s GPA in my first years of high school, I worked so incredibly hard to prove that I was as intelligent, motivated, and focused as I thought I should be. After the accident everything went downhill. My GPA dropped from the 3s to the 1s, I was suspended and almost expelled several times during my junior and senior years, my parents were so angry (all those years of Catholic school, down the drain!!), but mostly confused and disappointed that their precocious (but still somewhat intelligent?) daughter had become the delinquent problem child. All these years I just figured it was my rebellious teens, I kept telling myself that I was just cooler than the bookworms (btw I love books), that I threw away so many years of education and opportunity because that's what you're supposed to do at that age. Deep down I never quite understood why I had so drastically gone downhill, I wanted to be the real me (a nerd at heart), but suddenly I didn't know how. My post-accident ADD hijacked my life, my friends, my education, my relationship with my parents, etc for many years. My self-esteem became self-loathing, which became self-destruction. I'm sure most ADDers can relate! Fast forward ten years and Viola! It was a miracle! I don't suck so much after all - I just have some chemical issues in my brain! Yay Adderall!!! I felt like I was born again those first few months and years: adderall seemed to completely resolve all problems in my life, a little too late for college, but just in time to become an entrepreneur after being fired for the 30th time! (yes, I have been fired 30 times, mostly for being late or inadvertently breaking other dumb rules). I digress, but thanks for listening while I get years of this junk off my chest :P . Alone with Adderall, if you are still reading (I hope you are!) I will stop rambling and get to the point.
I had my daughter almost exactly one year ago, at 30, after finally feeling like I was getting back on track. I had been on Adderall for about 5 years when I found out I was pregnant (surprise!). My chances of conceiving were less than 50% at that time due to a prior ectopic pregnancy that was so far advanced that it left me no left fallopian tube, and some seemingly debilitating scarring. (Quick sidepoint - Ladies!! - never assume you've had a miscarriage until you've gone to ALL of your followup OBGYN appointments, I ditched out on the 2nd blood draw which would have revealed that I was still very much pregnant, and would have potentially saved at least part of my tube, not to mention my life). Ironically, these events transpired during my one and only extended duration break from adderall. When I got miraculously pregnant a year later I was back on adderall and still in the honeymoon phase of the first few months. My career was at an all-time high, I was on the rise with momentum, and not in a trailer park like I had once anticipated, lol). I was absolutely terrified of what seemed inevitable should I get knocked up and quit adderall at the same time - bye bye sweet job... I was so conflicted because I felt I had no choice, or chance to prepare or taper down the adderall. But I wanted my baby! I secretly felt like a horrible mom for even struggling with quitting adderall. I knew I would have a healthy baby, but no job, no health insurance, etc. These anxieties at first caused me incredible stress and internal conflict. I felt that if I talked to someone about it, they would think I was a drug addict, a crackhead, s**m of the earth. Long story short, I worked with my doctor to reduce my meds to almost nothing. I was able to survive pregnancy, with a few very small doses of occassional adderall under my dr's care. I was so torn, between my job and the relatively unstudied effects of such a new drug on an unborn fetus. I could not find any meaningful research or advice online, aside from the whole risk/benefit disclaimer the drug companies put out for pregnant people. So mine and my babies fate were in the hands of my own judgement pretty much - a scary thing sometimes!
So here we are 60 pounds lighter, one year later, and back on my regular previous dose of adderall (it was kind of fun letting people think I lost all that weight of my own volition :) I have the most beautiful, HEALTHY, intelligent daughter with a temperment and personality unlike I have ever seen in most babies. I focused on reducing stress as much as possible during pregnancy, as excess Cortisol (the stress hormone) HAS been proven to cause a slew of long term problems for babies in utero. I now believe that some of the healthiest, most beautiful, and most well-adjusted babies are born from mothers who do everything they can out of love - for some women that truly need adderall to keep their jobs or their marriage or relationships, I feel that taking as little as possible, as infrequently as possible, under Dr's close watch, in some instances (such as mine) would actually be an overall healthier choice for their unborn child. If the mother is not taking care of herself (and her brain and emotions and stress-levels) then the baby is also at risk.
Alone with Adderall, do not let yourself feel guilty about the fact that you need adderall to function like "normal" people. I would suggest talking with your doc about a solution that addresses both your's and your future baby's well being. You have ADD, it is a disease just as is diabetes or MS or etc. Adderall has saved the lives of many people (with true and severe ADD) - just because the drug can be addictive and harmful when abused, does not a bad drug make. You sound like a caring, concerned, and loving parent already to me - when you're ready for the little one trust in yourself to choose the right path. If you do your best out of love for yourself and your baby, then you are doing it right.
I have found that wellbutrin has helped significantly decrease my adderall dosage, I started taking it 3 months ago and I no longer have those horrible withdrawal effects when I skip a day or try to cut back. You could try that for awhile (before getting pregnant) if you need a little help quitting adderall completely. It is possible to get your life back, better than before, without adderall. I like the drug less and less with each passing day, I feel like perhaps it is not appropriate for me as a long-term drug: it still helps my ADD unlike anything, but lately I feel like it is starting to wear on my body. Oh yea, and the hair-pulling, lip-biting, and other OCD type behaviors, I do those things too sometimes, just like I used to pick the scabs of my knees as a child...no adderall required! So you bite your lip, some people manically and repeatedly clean their doornobs, or eat junk food, or do a "Tiger Woods"... I'd much rather be a lip biter (natural lip-plumper, no collagen required!) Ha ha. Oh, and the emotional outbursts you are experiencing - they are more profound during pregnancy, and during your early 30's (your hormones are changing a lot right now as you cross over that hill... it's unlikely caused solely by adderall withdrawals anyway). On the bright side, I have heard that these hormonal changes make women in their early thirties somewhat more interested in the act of baby-making...I'm sure your husband is willing to allot you a few emotional breakdowns if he know's you'll make it up to him later ;).
Thanks again Alone with ADD for reminding me that I am not alone! Keep showing up, as they say...and forgive yourself for being a human occasionally! And thanks for reading!
Wow!...you just might be my evil twin...
Thank you so much for sharing your story (and mine). YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am also 31, and was clinically diagnosed with ADD (plus the "H" in my less inhibited girlhood years ) - I was also in a car accident, 15 years ago in a 1980's tin-can-sedan with a seat belt recall (no it wasn't a toyota, LOL). I was in the passenger seat when we T-boned another car doing around 50mph. I wore my seat-belt (thankfully) and thus did not fly through the windshield - unfortunately the seat belt mechanism that should have caught upon impact did not engage, and I pretty much became one with the dashboard. I was never diagnosed with brain trauma, but after reading your posting my history is starting to make sense. While I have had ADD since childhood, I somehow managed to get by in school and life relatively well with a variety of physical and creative outlets to keep my young mind in check. I also had a mid-3s GPA in my first years of high school, I worked so incredibly hard to prove that I was as intelligent, motivated, and focused as I thought I should be. After the accident everything went downhill. My GPA dropped from the 3s to the 1s, I was suspended and almost expelled several times during my junior and senior years, my parents were so angry (all those years of Catholic school, down the drain!!), but mostly confused and disappointed that their precocious (but still somewhat intelligent?) daughter had become the delinquent problem child. All these years I just figured it was my rebellious teens, I kept telling myself that I was just cooler than the bookworms (btw I love books), that I threw away so many years of education and opportunity because that's what you're supposed to do at that age. Deep down I never quite understood why I had so drastically gone downhill, I wanted to be the real me (a nerd at heart), but suddenly I didn't know how. My post-accident ADD hijacked my life, my friends, my education, my relationship with my parents, etc for many years. My self-esteem became self-loathing, which became self-destruction. I'm sure most ADDers can relate! Fast forward ten years and Viola! It was a miracle! I don't suck so much after all - I just have some chemical issues in my brain! Yay Adderall!!! I felt like I was born again those first few months and years: adderall seemed to completely resolve all problems in my life, a little too late for college, but just in time to become an entrepreneur after being fired for the 30th time! (yes, I have been fired 30 times, mostly for being late or inadvertently breaking other dumb rules). I digress, but thanks for listening while I get years of this junk off my chest :P . Alone with Adderall, if you are still reading (I hope you are!) I will stop rambling and get to the point.
I had my daughter almost exactly one year ago, at 30, after finally feeling like I was getting back on track. I had been on Adderall for about 5 years when I found out I was pregnant (surprise!). My chances of conceiving were less than 50% at that time due to a prior ectopic pregnancy that was so far advanced that it left me no left fallopian tube, and some seemingly debilitating scarring. (Quick sidepoint - Ladies!! - never assume you've had a miscarriage until you've gone to ALL of your followup OBGYN appointments, I ditched out on the 2nd blood draw which would have revealed that I was still very much pregnant, and would have potentially saved at least part of my tube, not to mention my life). Ironically, these events transpired during my one and only extended duration break from adderall. When I got miraculously pregnant a year later I was back on adderall and still in the honeymoon phase of the first few months. My career was at an all-time high, I was on the rise with momentum, and not in a trailer park like I had once anticipated, lol). I was absolutely terrified of what seemed inevitable should I get knocked up and quit adderall at the same time - bye bye sweet job... I was so conflicted because I felt I had no choice, or chance to prepare or taper down the adderall. But I wanted my baby! I secretly felt like a horrible mom for even struggling with quitting adderall. I knew I would have a healthy baby, but no job, no health insurance, etc. These anxieties at first caused me incredible stress and internal conflict. I felt that if I talked to someone about it, they would think I was a drug addict, a crackhead, s**m of the earth. Long story short, I worked with my doctor to reduce my meds to almost nothing. I was able to survive pregnancy, with a few very small doses of occassional adderall under my dr's care. I was so torn, between my job and the relatively unstudied effects of such a new drug on an unborn fetus. I could not find any meaningful research or advice online, aside from the whole risk/benefit disclaimer the drug companies put out for pregnant people. So mine and my babies fate were in the hands of my own judgement pretty much - a scary thing sometimes!
So here we are 60 pounds lighter, one year later, and back on my regular previous dose of adderall (it was kind of fun letting people think I lost all that weight of my own volition :) I have the most beautiful, HEALTHY, intelligent daughter with a temperment and personality unlike I have ever seen in most babies. I focused on reducing stress as much as possible during pregnancy, as excess Cortisol (the stress hormone) HAS been proven to cause a slew of long term problems for babies in utero. I now believe that some of the healthiest, most beautiful, and most well-adjusted babies are born from mothers who do everything they can out of love - for some women that truly need adderall to keep their jobs or their marriage or relationships, I feel that taking as little as possible, as infrequently as possible, under Dr's close watch, in some instances (such as mine) would actually be an overall healthier choice for their unborn child. If the mother is not taking care of herself (and her brain and emotions and stress-levels) then the baby is also at risk.
Alone with Adderall, do not let yourself feel guilty about the fact that you need adderall to function like "normal" people. I would suggest talking with your doc about a solution that addresses both your's and your future baby's well being. You have ADD, it is a disease just as is diabetes or MS or etc. Adderall has saved the lives of many people (with true and severe ADD) - just because the drug can be addictive and harmful when abused, does not a bad drug make. You sound like a caring, concerned, and loving parent already to me - when you're ready for the little one trust in yourself to choose the right path. If you do your best out of love for yourself and your baby, then you are doing it right.
I have found that wellbutrin has helped significantly decrease my adderall dosage, I started taking it 3 months ago and I no longer have those horrible withdrawal effects when I skip a day or try to cut back. You could try that for awhile (before getting pregnant) if you need a little help quitting adderall completely. It is possible to get your life back, better than before, without adderall. I like the drug less and less with each passing day, I feel like perhaps it is not appropriate for me as a long-term drug: it still helps my ADD unlike anything, but lately I feel like it is starting to wear on my body. Oh yea, and the hair-pulling, lip-biting, and other OCD type behaviors, I do those things too sometimes, just like I used to pick the scabs of my knees as a child...no adderall required! So you bite your lip, some people manically and repeatedly clean their doornobs, or eat junk food, or do a "Tiger Woods"... I'd much rather be a lip biter (natural lip-plumper, no collagen required!) Ha ha. Oh, and the emotional outbursts you are experiencing - they are more profound during pregnancy, and during your early 30's (your hormones are changing a lot right now as you cross over that hill... it's unlikely caused solely by adderall withdrawals anyway). On the bright side, I have heard that these hormonal changes make women in their early thirties somewhat more interested in the act of baby-making...I'm sure your husband is willing to allot you a few emotional breakdowns if he know's you'll make it up to him later ;).
Thanks again Alone with ADD for reminding me that I am not alone! Keep showing up, as they say...and forgive yourself for being a human occasionally! And thanks for reading!
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Adderall, changed me, now i feel as i forgotten who i use to be, 25 years old, 4yrs. in this adderall affliction, before this script, i was okay happy loving chick with no worries ,only made the doctor appointment because i stay tired no matter how much sleep, my body craved more..sleep studies, bloodwork everything was normal, doc said he was giving me a lil something to get me motivated..stay awake, be alert. i should have just kept sleeping, long-term use 60mg a day....yes it changes your mind, never had any "psychological" issues...yet over the last 2 years ive been put in the charts as OCD, Anxiety Disorder, Severe panic Attacks, and Brief Psychosis.......im telling you i know what has caused this but i can not stop........to hardly ever sleep, eat to stay alive, food doesnt taste anymore, finding ways to keep my 105pd weight for the doctor says if i drop anymore weight he will stop the meds (weighed 150 before meds) work myself to death...to the point i have bruises everywhere brutal force on myself to strive for perfection...its like an enemy i can never rid, in my thoughts its chosen to live, my thoughts and mind over flooded with worrying, whos not okay? who is hurt? why do i feel like im dying? my body exhausted but my mind its creative, seeks knowledge, craves to know everything about nothing....relentless, never do i feel at peace, im inside of me, its like i know i am here but i make none of the decisions, the clock its constantly ticking...faster an faster im fading, driven to find myself again but how? i cant help myself, could one be a person inside there self? praying to god for courage to face...... myself?? you may all think im crazy but my thoughts have spun out of control, i am scared of things that i see, but really are they there, always feel as the devil is after me now, he seeks those who are weak, he seeks to devour...i am fighting all this , a psychological war, in my mind, spirit an flesh.......i need help to free me, my body feels so corrupt my mind no longer honest for i believe its lies, my intentions no longer pure........im no longer me. my heart i feel is all its waiting for......viciously it awaits. praying for you, plz pray for me.
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i am an 18 year old male. i was prescribed adderall when i was in 2nd grade starting with 2.5 mg at lunch and breakfast and eventually ending my junior year of high school with 30 mg xr capsules. after a long stretch of extreme loss of appetite and sleep and anxiety that can only be described as crippling i stopped taking it. over a year later, i feel like my brain is quite literally screwed. my emotions are extreme and all over the place and i have explosive rage and feel as though i have lost all motivation to make anything of my life. i can no longer give a sh*t about anything, and have lost almost all my interpersonal relationships. i cant help but think adderall is to blame for the destruction of my personality
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There's so many factors that an be to a blame for symptoms. I'm sure there are some causal reasons that we have not associated such as personality, depression etc that are contributing to these post adderall symptoms which we may share. But I have most certainly noticed a difference in the sharpness of my mind. I can not think or speak anywhere even similar to how I could once express myself. I feel like I just spew out b.s. Just to get people not to continue talking to me-I'm embarrassed to get into conversations I once throughly enjoyed. It's a never ending fog. I took aderall for three years from 16-19 and I'm now 22. The last 6 months of taking it it became almost worthless, I could take it and sleep, but mosTly could just stare at the work in front of me for as many hours as id let myself ...again Im sure there are other factors in my symptoms but I'm rather convinced that it is partly due to taking adder all- and with that I'm not sure there is anywhere to look to find out about this. Things should be done. Other kids, like some of you guys above were much too young for this drug. I feel that it may be an epidemic in itself and the negative effects should be more easily found and expressed as serious as they are--not just the obvious "benefits vs. Risks etc speech".
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Amphetamines cause involuntary jaw clenching - ask your doctor for "Flexeral" - it's a muscle relaxant & I take 10 mg a day (5 mg during day & 5 mg before bed) - it stops my jaw clenching & it has no side effects (doesn't make you feel sleepy, dopey, etc.)
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Wow, what I will say is that it is a little comforting and a little disconcerting to find that several other people's posts and experience's mirror my own experiences with adderall. That said, I also believe that's probably should indicate something to me about taking this medication.
Just for a brief background, I never took adderall until one day my friend who actually has ADD gave me some because we were in a crappy high school band, and he thought it would give us focus and allow us to be creative. Well, after that I kinda have had a love affair with it ever since. I was always very studious in high school so I knew that I could never really start convincing that I had ADD just to get a prescription for adderall, and mainly just took some from my friend when ever he had some he didn't want to use. So while I really liked it, my friend eventually got off meds for ADD, and I never really had a chance to take it...until, I went to college and the demand of being a student with aspirations of being a doctor really started to weigh down on me. I had always had that "love" for the adderall feeling with me, but since it was virtually hard to get, and I wasn't really the type to buy drugs from people or ask around for it, I figured I would just have to live life like I had almost always done, without adderall and all.
One day, however, I decided to actually give a try to getting some. Now I am not ADD, and I do not condone such an action, but for me, I decided to just go to a random doctor in my college town, one who I never had any contact with, and try and "act" and "think" like those I knew who have had problems with concentration. At first, she just prescribed me an anti-depressant, which is usually a common first solution as you wouldn't just into a stimulant for a person like myself just out of the blue. While I was supposedly taking the SSRI, I never did and kept going back, appointment to appointment claiming that I was having increased difficulty focusing on both my school work and social life. While true in part simply due to the amount of stress of school and all, I knew that I wasn't needing it to do well...I was just lazy.
Well 4 years of having taken adderall now, I can say without a doubt that I really do regret it. At first it was just kinda like a nice boost. I would take some and be productive, and space it out so I didn't rely on it too much. Well, that worked for a short while until I started wanting to take it to actually get myself to enjoy doing things. I became very apathetic towards any hobby or interest if I wasn't on it, but totally into when I was. This has eventually lead to more problems that come with increased use and addiction. I have "tics" that only manifest themselves when I take the drug (constant neck cracking and clearing of my throat). I also have developed anxiety about things to the point where I often ask myself who was I and where was the person I used to be. I had gone from a well-to-do, hard working and competent person, to a person who constantly seems to worry about everything, lack any confidence unless I'm on the drug, and even then, I'm a little too "tweaked" to feel normal. The crash of running out early happens every month around 2 weeks after my prescription, as that's when I usually run out, and then a week of "recovery" where I basically only care about getting sleep and then more sleep, and then an odd kinda old form of myself. I then get another 'script and start the who process over.
Seriously, if you do feel like you are starting to not feel like you can live without taking it, now is the time (while probably the most difficult) that you need to really try to do without it, and stop taking it. For people like me who didn't need it, all it does is make me "think" that it makes me better when really, it makes me worse as I feel like I cannot cope when I don't take it. Eventually, I've become quite down about it all and still have bad anxiety, but have started to fight through that and try to be, and live, without the drug. It sucked at first, but it really does smart to get better after a little while. Just the thought of needing a pill to make me successful and competent was my main motivator as I knew I couldn't take the drug forever, and eventually I'd be left on my own in the world without it, and that I had to be ready to face the realities of life on my own, in my own "wonder-drugless" world. It does get better, and for those who may feel the opposite, I simply encourage you to put a little bit more and more belief in yourself each and every day. For me it was simply not worth the kind of life I thought it gave me if I had to give up what a life I actually once had before being controlled by it.
Just for a brief background, I never took adderall until one day my friend who actually has ADD gave me some because we were in a crappy high school band, and he thought it would give us focus and allow us to be creative. Well, after that I kinda have had a love affair with it ever since. I was always very studious in high school so I knew that I could never really start convincing that I had ADD just to get a prescription for adderall, and mainly just took some from my friend when ever he had some he didn't want to use. So while I really liked it, my friend eventually got off meds for ADD, and I never really had a chance to take it...until, I went to college and the demand of being a student with aspirations of being a doctor really started to weigh down on me. I had always had that "love" for the adderall feeling with me, but since it was virtually hard to get, and I wasn't really the type to buy drugs from people or ask around for it, I figured I would just have to live life like I had almost always done, without adderall and all.
One day, however, I decided to actually give a try to getting some. Now I am not ADD, and I do not condone such an action, but for me, I decided to just go to a random doctor in my college town, one who I never had any contact with, and try and "act" and "think" like those I knew who have had problems with concentration. At first, she just prescribed me an anti-depressant, which is usually a common first solution as you wouldn't just into a stimulant for a person like myself just out of the blue. While I was supposedly taking the SSRI, I never did and kept going back, appointment to appointment claiming that I was having increased difficulty focusing on both my school work and social life. While true in part simply due to the amount of stress of school and all, I knew that I wasn't needing it to do well...I was just lazy.
Well 4 years of having taken adderall now, I can say without a doubt that I really do regret it. At first it was just kinda like a nice boost. I would take some and be productive, and space it out so I didn't rely on it too much. Well, that worked for a short while until I started wanting to take it to actually get myself to enjoy doing things. I became very apathetic towards any hobby or interest if I wasn't on it, but totally into when I was. This has eventually lead to more problems that come with increased use and addiction. I have "tics" that only manifest themselves when I take the drug (constant neck cracking and clearing of my throat). I also have developed anxiety about things to the point where I often ask myself who was I and where was the person I used to be. I had gone from a well-to-do, hard working and competent person, to a person who constantly seems to worry about everything, lack any confidence unless I'm on the drug, and even then, I'm a little too "tweaked" to feel normal. The crash of running out early happens every month around 2 weeks after my prescription, as that's when I usually run out, and then a week of "recovery" where I basically only care about getting sleep and then more sleep, and then an odd kinda old form of myself. I then get another 'script and start the who process over.
Seriously, if you do feel like you are starting to not feel like you can live without taking it, now is the time (while probably the most difficult) that you need to really try to do without it, and stop taking it. For people like me who didn't need it, all it does is make me "think" that it makes me better when really, it makes me worse as I feel like I cannot cope when I don't take it. Eventually, I've become quite down about it all and still have bad anxiety, but have started to fight through that and try to be, and live, without the drug. It sucked at first, but it really does smart to get better after a little while. Just the thought of needing a pill to make me successful and competent was my main motivator as I knew I couldn't take the drug forever, and eventually I'd be left on my own in the world without it, and that I had to be ready to face the realities of life on my own, in my own "wonder-drugless" world. It does get better, and for those who may feel the opposite, I simply encourage you to put a little bit more and more belief in yourself each and every day. For me it was simply not worth the kind of life I thought it gave me if I had to give up what a life I actually once had before being controlled by it.
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I am soooooooo very happy that I stumbled on this site. I have now taken Aderall 10 mg for 30 days. And I have to say that I am stopping the med. right away. Although it has helped with my focus, I have become extremely aggressive without it. I thought that it ws just me! I have also noticed that I feel heavyheaded prior to taking it. I only began taking it for focus during the work week. However, I feel awful on the weekends now. I am sure that your thnking that 10mg isn't much. However, I am a very petite individual (115 lbs. and only 4 feet 10 inches). I have never taken anything other than the occassional tylenol, not a drinker etc... Therefore, I am sure my body already doesn't have a high tolerance for much. Please know that I am praying for you all as well as myself. God speed! Eternal Appreciation for your testimonies!
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Lauren, I went through and am still somewhat going through a similar ordeal. You remind me of myself, so many emotions pushing inside all at once and feeling so far gone and lost that there's no coming back from it. Usually being a happy, outgoing, bubbly, positive person.. I felt even more like a lost case. Not many knew what I was going through, my disguise of a smile seemed to fool most people. I was 19-20 at my worst point. It was like I had a cocktail of traumatic life experiences and medical problems.. I didn't order it, but still had to pay for it somehow. I had never felt so alone and confused. I was in a dark place and no matter how much I reached out I couldn't find a light. All I thought about was suicide. How I'd do it, when, where.. The only thing that stopped me was thinking of what it would do to the people that loved me. How I would make them feel like I felt and I didn't want that. I'm 22 now and still not on my feet but I'm here and I'm trying.
I have a herniated disc in my lower back and a bulging disc in my neck. I've had them for the last 4 years but didn't know it until a year ago. I was in (still am) a lot of pain every day bc my disc is pinching my spinal chord. My knees are painful too not to mention arthritis and everything else. I didn't have insurance so I couldn't go to the dr. I have ADD too so I developed insomnia quickly with the constant pain and never being able to get my mind to be silent. I quit eating very much because I wasn't hungry when I hurt that bad. So no food, no sleep, and lots of pain was killing me slowly. When I finally went to the dr I thought I'd be saved and the medicine would make things right again.. Adderal, sleeping meds, and pain meds to try and get me balanced. I went from never taking medicine unless I was on my death bed to having 4 prescriptions daily. Well the pain medicine made me sick, the adderal helped me focus and quiet my mind, and the sleeping medicine sort of helped but I always felt and still feel very lethargic all the time. My body always feels polluted and I hate knowing I have a dependency on pills to function every day. What made it worse was the day they told me I had to do this for the rest of my life unless I had spinal surgery to fuse my vertebrea together. AT 22!! "You can't do this or that or that or this anymore" all I heard was "your life is already over".
But I'm not giving up and I have reached out to help many people of all ages get through tough times by telling them what I went through. I would like to tell you my whole story so you can fully understand my lowest point. If you'd like to talk further and get to know one another, I think we could do a lot for each other. If I don't hear from you then keep your head up, stay strong, believe in yourself, and keep that one positive thing, no matter how small, in your mind and heart. Sometimes holding onto even the smallest piece of hope will save you like a night light in the dark. ***this post is edited by moderator *** ***
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I find it interesting that a lot of what people describe as the effects of stopping Adderall sound like the symptoms of adult ADD. Those of you who have been on drugs since childhood might want to consider that some of what you are experiencing is your disease.
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I haven't ever replied to a thread before, but stumbled across this one and felt I had to reply. I am a junior in college and took Adderall for 5 years - in the end, at pretty high doses. I have been off of it for year. It's hard to tell if Adderall has long-term consequences. I think one of the hardest things I struggled with was re-creating my identity after I stopped taking it, and coming to terms that my mind off of adderall is simply not what it is on the drug. My interests aren't the same, I have a hard time reading for pleasure, or following the news, etc, whereas on Adderall this is what I spent all of my time doing. For those reading this, I highly recommend staying away from large, sweeping statements about how Adderall has affected your life - after I quit, I vowed adderall had ruined my life. I never left my room, my boyfriend broke up with me, I didn't have any friends. I had developed an extraordinarily painful anal fissure at age 19, and was worried my entire health was in the trash. I cursed the drug to the ground. I spent time thinking about how it affected my identity, whether or not I would ever be successful, etc. After 11 months, things are better, and I've learned that usually, sweeping generalizations are meaningless and only a source of unhappiness. Things will get better. Perhaps I have less energy than my friends - I think about this a lot - but perhaps I am just experiencing a slight, normal depression that many people experience as college draws to an end. Identity crises are not unusual for anyone, at any age, especially during adolescence. Things will get better. Just take steps every day to think positively and do things that help you. Eat well - I can't stress this enough. The human body is miraculous, and has the potential to heal from almost anything, but first you have to take care of it. Eat vegetables, eat organically, minimize processed foods - it is shocking how much of an affect this has on your energy level and mood. Oh, and if you are taking adderall, stop taking it. I can't stress that enough. Yes, doing work is hard without it, but I can almost guarantee that taking adderall for your whole entire life is a bad idea and therefore at some time or another you are going to have to learn to deal with your attentional issues on your own.
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Lauren
Those hard times are building blocks n ur life and for ur future! Life is like a rollercoaster, u have ups and downs! Hang n there..I've had a rough life, made bad choices too we all do. Open the bible and find the verse for ur life as we speak, it helps :)
Those hard times are building blocks n ur life and for ur future! Life is like a rollercoaster, u have ups and downs! Hang n there..I've had a rough life, made bad choices too we all do. Open the bible and find the verse for ur life as we speak, it helps :)
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Lauren,
I know exactly how you feel. Almost to the T. I have the cold hands and swelling feet, the hunch in my back, the anger towards my boyfriends. I feel numb to life, I get jealous of their emotions, but when I'm coming off of the medications I get disassociative states or the opposite, over emotional and angry. It is like someone else is behind the wheel. I've been taking adderal xr 20 mg since I was 15 yrs old, I'm 21 now. It took my entire highschool experience away, and I stopped feeling with my heart, I became calculating and manipulative. I burned bridges and found it hard to make friends after a few years of taking it, despite the fact that the initial experience of the medication made me feel on top of the world. I am suicidal and sometimes I'm afraid to feel inside of my own body. Especially since I've stopped taking the medication. My mom doesn't care, she thinks i'm crazy or something. I feel like my nervous system is out of whack and I may die of a heart attack or brain annuerism at any moment, especially when my feet and hands swell up. Sometimes I feel like my head swells up too, and people will say, your face looks swollen. I also get very bloated when I don't take the medication, my bowels just stop working and I feel like I'll have a hernia if I try to hard to use the restroom. My throat closes up and it's hard for me to swallow, especially liquids. I have a constant cough but nothing is in my throat and sometimes I get so tired I pass out in random places, but I always wake up after about 4 hours and feel like I can't go to sleep for like 2 days, I think I'm going crazy.... I'm just scared to live without the medication.
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I feel the same way with my OCD tendencies. I'm ADD Combined Type and I feel like the Adderall is really working good anymore, but I can't get up and start functioning without it. I, too don't know what to do....
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no sh*t, i feel the same way, I've been on adderal since my freshman year in highschool and im 20 years old now, just got done with my first year of college on and off adderall, and I've lost my job, failed three classes, and generally can not function without it, its like my brain was wired to work a certain way on adderal and never learned to function academically without adderal, socially on it im a mess, functionally on it I'm a chess champ, and emotionally im so overwhelmed because yes your living in your own head, socially the conversations run through it but never out of your lips, my body does the same red thing, I had to stop taking my adderal because I started having massive panic attacks and couldnt go to school. I'm in counciling now, and I'm about to undergo brain scans, memory testing, and vitamin tests to rule out any other medical condition besides my chronic pain from a spinal fusion (basically medicine has messed me up and I feel for you as well)
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Get some therapy. See a psychologist not a psychiatrist. There is hope. You just need to find other ways of coping, but you won't be able to do that without help. Reach out. There are people out there who can help. Learn to meditate to relax and pray.
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