Hi, I had an abortion with my boyfriend only 4 months into dating. We’ve known each other for years through mutual friends. He was in married for 5 years which ended up failing after they decided to be open, his ex wife left him for his best friend / their roommate. Needless to say, he’s gone through some intense trauma surrounding trust, sex and relationships. We broke up after 7 months while I was across seas on a vacation with my good friend. 

After my abortion I found myself having more and more panic attacks, jealousy, low self esteem and anger. My ex boyfriend was as understanding and loving as he could be while still maintaining boundaries. I felt like this was the healthy relationship I’ve been in, a lot of open communication. 

He dated a few people in the first year of his divorce, only on polygamous relationships. I was his first monogamous relationship since his marriage. This summer was rough after the abortion with my mood swing. My ex left the state for 3 weeks, we had a week together, then I left for 4 weeks.

Before I left, he approached me and explicitly told me, no matter what happens when I’m in Europe will be okay as long as I am honest with him. “Honesty is more important to me than love” I was caught off guard because my intention for this trip was never to go off and hook up with people. But to enjoy the sights and time with my friend. I expressed that I wasn’t worried and that I’d always be honest. 

Three weeks into my trip we ended up staying with my exes friends in Berlin. Their apartment was wonderful, we were invited to go camping with them and some of their friends in East Germany in the country. 3 nights of swimming in lakes, drinking lots of beer. The last night we all took ecstasy and danced around and all ended up cuddling. A girl who was staying up there started kissing me and we ended up hooking up, another guy joined in, we kissed a little. Then they started hooking up and I left the room and told my boyfriend immediately. He dumped me on the spot, saying I’m a liar and I’m too immature for the kind of relationship he needs. I was shocked. I never would have guessed this would be his reaction. I had an anxiety attack the next day which resulted in my friend taking me to the hospital to talk to a counselor. He has never said cruel things to me or called me such mean names. It’s been a week since the break up and I’m heading back home tonight. 

I would love some insight on how I can gauge our next conversation together with out triggering him further. I know I made a selfish mistake. Now I just want to make it clear to him it was never my intention to break his heart. It seems he is still going through a lot of trauma from his previous marriage and I triggered something inside him that made him close himself off to me completely. 

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate your time.