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im 19 and have a 2 year old son. i had a surgical abortion yesterday at 13 weeks. it went fine, no pain but now its mentally killing me. my poor baby didnt do anything wrong! i feel so guilty and regret it so badly. although i did have reasons i wish i could have worked through them and carried on with the pregnancy. iv cried so badly today and have hugged my belly begging for my baby back. does this ever get easier? im even feeling suicidal and i dont want to interact with my little boy as i keep crying. please help me

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I had an abortion on 16th jan my 1st pregnancy and I feel terrible but I know I did it for the right reasons. Be strong for your little boy and all in good time you'll have another child when the times right. I never ever thought about abortion i still disagree with it but we have to live with our mistakes we are strong as woman! what we do always has a reason tho! time is a healer i do know..This is my story..x

This is going to be long, please read all..
I am 22 years old and June last year of 2012 I broke up with my partner of near to 2years. The relationship lacked respect anymore on both parts and just wasn't healthy. I did what most young girls do my age enjoyed life went on holiday went on couple dates and partied a lot.. In October 2012 a colleague from work approached me and asked me out for a drink, we'd spoken a couple times had a few laughs previously and thought why not it's only a drink, don't expect anything from it and enjoy myself. I'm not a person that easily let's people in, I will have laughs with people and enjoy company but don't like to get attached.
So me and my colleague went for a drink eventually had a great night he made me laugh so much he wasn't really my cup of tea at 1st but there was something about him that drawed me in, I think maybe because I'd felt alone for quite a while and it was nice to have something in common with someone. The was defiantly chemistry there.. We went on a few more dates and before I even knew it we was seeing each other a couple weeks later. We was both so carefree with our head in the clouds. Everything moved so fast within a month he was around my house everyday it's my own fault I know, I'm such a person that wants everything now and so was he.. We was jus planning our life's together .. I've never been like that in my life it was fun at the time.
We started to have sex and I have always been so careful I was on the evra patch but came of it, I wanted a child with my ex but he was very grounded and planned everything did things right.
Sex was amazing with my colleague at work I can even say the best.. We got so carried away in our bubble, after 6weeks sounds mad me even writing this! I just didn't care we was having unprotected sex I obviously knew what I was doing at the time I'm not stupid and all my life I have argued the fact that I don't agree with abortions! I'd never conceived in my life or even knew if I could. After 2months the bubble popped for me and my work colleague where just dreamers I knew that together my life just wouldn't be the way I wanted it. He was lovely he'd do anything I asked I know he was in love with me but after so long I started to compare him to my ex everything he done and I knew it was my ex of near to 2years I wanted. My ex never lost faith in me after 6months of not being together I knew he still loved me . I know his attitude had changed because he realised too how much he loved me he was never bad to me just his tongue I couldn't handle anymore.
On dec 15 2012 I called things off with the guy at work, I knew I didn't feel right. He was a gentleman and left me alone even tho he hurt.
After a week I started talking back with the ex again and soon as I did I knew it was him I wanted everything fit into place again I wasn't lost I knew what I wanted in life just I was complete and I've always had the saying if you leave it's obviously for a reason so stay gone .. But with him I knew I was made for life. By 23 December 2012 I was back with my ex. We enjoyed Xmas together we was so in love again and we now have that barrier of understanding.
On jan 3rd 2013 I knew I was due on that week and randomly I don't know what came over me I went to boots an brought a pregnancy test and on the morning 4th jan 2013 the pregnancy test came positive I was screaming crying I couldn't stop. Immediately my mum was like have an abortion my partner will never now. Shes not the best at advice! I told my current boyfriend who the baby wasn't his and he said he'd be their if I had the abortion as he knew what I believed in and how hard it would be for me. I told the father the guy from work and he said he'd be there for me either way i kno deep down he just wanted me and a family but i loved my current boyfriend. I had a week off work and that whole week I completely fried my own brain one min I was having it the next I wasn't! My options where 1: have the baby do it alone not have a man around because my current boyfriend I.e was ex couldn't stay around for me to have someone else's baby he was so hurt !! Which was understandable or 2: have the abortion do it right next time and live with the guilt!
I went with option 2 I know it was the right decision but I am so annoyed,angry, upset and disappointed with myself for allowing this to happen I was so caught up in my bubble I lost site of everything I believed in! I had the abortion on 16/01/2013 and all I do is cry! I know I made the right choice bringing a child into the world with a broken home immediately and not ever having a full blood sibling was not what I wanted for my child and having children with different dads!.. 200% it would have been loved but I kno it just wasn't right. I cry because I did it, it was real it was a baby to me even tho I was only 6weeks my heart is now aching for a child and my current Boyf wants children with me but wants me to wait a couple months but I feel that is ages away because I yearn so much for a baby with him .. I've had a sh*t start to the new year I want to move on but I've screwed up so much I don't what to think ... I've hurt myself the guy from work and my current boyfriend deep down! It's hard to be a Christian this day and age but on my death bed I know I will be scared for doing what I have done!
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