Hi there,
I don't where to start but I do want to keep this brief without going into my life story....
I have had a sheltered, strong Christian background where the Christian teaching of no sex before marriage was something that was really cemented into my mind from early on. I would be really shocked when I heard other Christians or anyone else for that matter who would having sex. The actual sexual intercourse act represents a huge thing in my mind, always has done. Even though I did have had serious relationships and a few flings as well where I did get the opportunity to have intercourse, I held back almost every time, because I felt it was the wrong thing to do. So I have done "other stuff" but just not the actual act of penetration. But now at almost 30 now and still not married, to be honest I am starting to lose my patience...
The first time when I was 19, I ended up being overwhelmed by guilt and fear since it was something terrible and withdrew at the last minute.Then I didn't try again for many years until this year...10 years later now.
But I FAILED, miserably. Tried on two occasions and both occasions I failed.
Both times, I was fairly hard to begin with whilst making out with my last girlfriend and then went to get a condom but as soon as this happened I noticed how I felt that wave of anxiety come over me. My heart started to beat faster as I knew OK this might be it, I’m finally going to have sex for the first time. Tried putting it on and struggled to get it on and as a result it went soft again. Now at that moment, along with anxiety came the frustration and self pity. I was like inside "here we go again, I still can’t do this" "not again" Eventually I managed to get it on despite it being flaccid and it wasn't getting hard anymore and I had to actually touch myself in order to get it hard again. But I noticed how it wasn't really all that hard and in the end I just stopped and gave up. I didn't actually look where I was placing my penis and just thought I'll get it in the general area and it should just slide in. But I couldn't actually get it in, I don't know maybe I was nowhere near the actual area, anyway it just didn’t happen. It just seemed like a difficult task. I guess after masturbating for so many years, the idea of intercourse might seem slightly alien perhaps?
I should also mention that me and my gf were having some serious issues (non sexual) literally less than 24 hours before so I wondered if that affected things too. But I also believe my Christian beliefs and conviction and being celibate has now had a hugely NEGATIVE impact on me, my self esteem and my overall well being. I feel I deserve better than this after waiting for so long. As I've got older, I'm starting to become frustrated which no doubt leads to anxiety and probably makes this entire act into such a big deal.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I'm torn. Part of me still wants to wait til marriage, as I have waited for so long now I might as well...but when will that be!? Then the other part of me wants to finally experience this so I can finally just say I've done it and prove to myself that I can do it. I suppose right now, it's affecting my entire self esteem figuring out whether I can actually have sex!
SO I guess I would like to ask....how can I know for sure that I can actually do this!? I thought maybe getting a fleshlight or some kind of makeshift vagina? I know you can create a home made vagina but how accurate is this? Obviously I know a real person is the only way to know for sure...but as that's not possible at the moment, what other ways could there be? Health wise, I'd say my diet could definitely be better (I should less sweets and sugar) but I don't smoke or drink at all and I exercise say 1-2 times a week. Also I do get morning erections from time to time, like little while ago I was getting them every morning for about 2 weeks.
I JUST NEED TO KNOW IN MY MIND THAT I AM CAPABLE OF DOING THIS!
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You are normal and will be able to do it - with the right person. When you are in a committed relationship everything will always fall into place, she will be more patient and if she has experience (if you are honest with her) she will help you out and teach/guide you to where everything goes and what anatomy to touch on the female body, etc. Things are different when you are in a committed relationship somehow as there is trust and honesty which go a long way to having sex as there is so much more psychologically that you just don't think about beforehand.
I grew up in a very strict Christian background/upbringing. When I left home at 20, I went total blacksheep. I mean I got hammered and don't even remember my first time at all, that is disappointing but that was me rebelling. My parents said dancing leads to sex, so what did I do? Went out dancing, did it lead to sex? Not the dancing but the alcohol sure as hell did.
Point is, you waited this long, why wouldn't you wait some more? No woman in your church that you are interested in? What about on
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, a single christian dating site that may open up more opportunities for you. Are you currently attending a church function for single, unmarried christians (some churches have these) and on a weekly basis or monthly? Do you pray to God for guidance and patience?
Anyways, hope this can help you somehow. P.S. anxiety during sex is normal and is always going to be an issue until you are in a committed, loving and trusting relationship.
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That "DON'T DO IT!!!" they drill into you really causes a lot of anxiety.
After hearing my mother's voice several times while out on a date (always with a new girl because they gave up on me when I wouldn't touch them like they wanted) and losing girls I really wanted to date, I gave up on those ideas my mother had planted in my brain. I didn't go dancing though, I hate dancing. On school dance nights I got together with a buddy and we built dragsters. I kept my next girl for nearly two years and we never did have intercourse. Her father was a colonel and I was a PFC. If she got pregnant I would probably still be Leavenworth, but we sure enjoyed each others bodies.
I think your problems are mostly anxiety and stress and they will go away when you find a girl who knows how you feel and why you feel that way.
Intercourse is not rocket science, even a caveman can do it. Learning how to give and get the most pleasure out of it takes a little more effort and learning.
If your girl knows you have no experience she will probably enjoy assisting and teaching you.
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