Forwarding some Southern quotes. These are not jokes, they jus sound that way if you're not from around here.
SOUTHERN QUOTES
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering c**p on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy it.
13. It's hard to pump out the swamp when you're up to your butt in
alligators.
NOTICE TO THOSE MOVING SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight and advice to people moving to the South from The North or
anywhere else.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use
it by someone.
2. Just because you are able to drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Best Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 3 men in the cab of
a four-wheel drive pick-up with a -pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This
is what they live for. Their names will be Billy Bob, Virgil, and Roy.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know
the location of local hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying
to find it yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from 'round here, are you"?
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either. Yer even.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective; "big ol", as in: big ol
truck, or big ol boy, big ol dog etc..
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph
zone,directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks
learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
yet, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car
was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eatin.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December to git drug out.
14. If there is the prediction of, or the slightest chance of, or even
the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is expected at
the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store. It is just something you're spos'ed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house,
and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is, in fact, a
valid defense.
SOUTHERN QUOTES
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering c**p on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me
enjoy it.
13. It's hard to pump out the swamp when you're up to your butt in
alligators.
NOTICE TO THOSE MOVING SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight and advice to people moving to the South from The North or
anywhere else.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use
it by someone.
2. Just because you are able to drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Best Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. 3 men in the cab of
a four-wheel drive pick-up with a -pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This
is what they live for. Their names will be Billy Bob, Virgil, and Roy.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know
the location of local hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying
to find it yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from 'round here, are you"?
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either. Yer even.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective; "big ol", as in: big ol
truck, or big ol boy, big ol dog etc..
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph
zone,directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks
learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
yet, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car
was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eatin.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December to git drug out.
14. If there is the prediction of, or the slightest chance of, or even
the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is expected at
the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store. It is just something you're spos'ed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house,
and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!", is, in fact, a
valid defense.
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