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I' ve been an off and on dieter/bulimic for many years now. Probably ever since my 1st stressful situations in life hit me. Loss of a lover, loss of a volunteer position, loss of trust in a person whom I really looked up too, loss of a few best friends. Well this all kind of affected me cuz I unfortunately began to binge on sugary and starchy snacks, like ALL day long................Then I realized, at first that is that I could have ALL the yummy delic cake that i wanted and eat it too. Then, I began to use laxatives, and, water pills, and mega exercising techniques to rid myself of the effects of my choices of bad food.       But, unfortunately I'm now a middle aged female and my waist and breasts are getting way too large for my comfort level. I'm starting to panik. I suddenly just lost my appetite because i'm really scared of spreading. I look at the scale daily and then I suddenly lose my appetite after eating my light cereal in the morning. I only eat breakfast because my blood sugar levels get way too low, and it would be difficult to get going in morning without my wheat square cereal and mega cups of caffeinated flavored coffee. I'm very nervous and afraid to even look at food without having to run to the gym panik striken by my lack of self discipline. Then some days I eat out of control, and feel totally apathetic, and feel my fat tummy and wonder why I am so pathetic. I have no self discipline on these days and kind of become a krazy jane for the moment of impulse. Sometimes when I binge I forget and pass out. Then I wake up too tired and all yucked out to even make it to the gym. These are the days that are making me spread though. What should I do I feel totally grossed out, powerless, and have NO Control. I feel kind of really stressed out, mabey I shall just take an rx to help me relax. I just don't know what is my problem. Can anyone suggest something for me???

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Mia, can you find a therapist?  Eating disorders are often a coping mechanism for dealing with underslying issues—anger, pain, fear of losing control.... (sounds like issues of control may be big for you?). 

What worked for me the most: (1) keeping a journal (an outlet for stress and recording feelings, which sometimes can be really hard to identify) and (2) planning my meals. 

Buy a nice journal and a beautiful pen and set aside 20 mins before bed.  Added benefit: it will keep you out of the kitchen :)

With meal planning, take the stress out of deciding about meals and what to eat.  That was huge for me.  3 meals and 2 snacks, EVERY day.  Some people swear by 6 small meals but that doesn't work for me.  Depriving yourself is what will cause bingeing on other days.  Don't deprive yourself—you will never break the cycle if you do.  Just aim to eat normally every day.  If you mess up (overeat), it's OK.  You don't need to compensate.  Just try to eat normal the next day, and so on.  You will get your groove back.   Try not to get on the scale.  You are not pathetic.  You are facing something very real.

A therapist can help you work out underlying issues, but if you can't get to one, please try my suggestions.  Give the journal a full 2 weeks, write every day and see how you feel at the end of 2 weeks.  You might find that your eating has normalized a bit.

You are already exercising, so that's great.  Once your eating becomes normalized again, you won't have to "work off" the binge calories.  You may need to examine your body image too.  I have been all over the scale (116-163lbs) and I have to say, I look at pictures of when I was heavier and I was so pretty with the extra weight in my face!  The extra fat cells add a little plump, detract from wrinkles and can even make you look a little healthier.  I don't know how much you weigh (or what you want to weigh) but it's not important.  It about feeling better about yourself—this can be achieved by working at what you're going through emotionally—also appearance related work can be helpful as well.  If you have the money, go for a fashion consultation, or meet with a personal shopper.  Learn what clothes flatter you most and perhaps you will learn to love what's underneath them when you have clothes that make you look and feel fabulous.  Sometimes we are so obsessed with losing weight that when we do we find out we aren't happy with the way we look at a lower weight either.  Focusing on our appearances in other ways can detract from this ultimate goal to be thin. 

I hope something I have said is helpful for you.   Good luck.
JB
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Thank you, for your very thoughtful response. I appreciate the advice.
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If you ever want to talk more or need more support, don't hesitate to be in touch. I am a social worker with not only personal experience having an ED, but I've also worked with ED patients.

sparrow.fourteen@ gmail.com (without the spaces, just trying to avoid the spambots)
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Hi Sparrow 14, I'm back online again at Steadyhealth.com. I think your earlier suggestion helped me to relax a bit and I had other issues which occurred so I kind of had to pay those issues more attention and less to my problem with weight, and erratic eating patterns. I took the entire summer off however and from the 70 lbs that I had lost in about 2 years, I regained 20 lbs in the last 2 years. This got me down a bit. Then it helped to motivate me to again keep going to the gym and doing whatever it takes to drop that last 20 lbs. My ultimate weight loss goal however is to drop 40 total, including the first 20 that I had re-gained through isolation during the rainy season, and of course boredom and binge eating. But I'm back on track, and totally focused and in control of my weight loss. I'm on a dietary weight loss supplement, and at times now I have to remind myself to actually eat a meal. I look forward to daily exercise and dinner is the biggest meal of the day for me. That's why I go right to the gym after wards. Otherwise I feel way to anxious and become bloated feeling and nauseated even after a regular sized meal. I drink a lot of diluted juice with cold ice and water all day long. Therefore keeping my appetite under control. I actually even hate shopping for food at the store, it takes so much concentration shopping for other people. Then I have to do my own too. I do hate feeling exhausted all the time though, and when I exercise following dinner I am anxious until I start sweating off my calories. Before that occurs though, there have been near instances where I just felt my entire body become limp and almost pass out towards my left side. I think it's high anxiety after eating a Normal meal, which is still new for me. How have you been?
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Hi Sparrow,
I am currently off for the summer and find my spare time tempting when I think of binging on junk food. When I'm occupied during my regular year, I dont have as much time to go shopping for food. But lately I've been overdoing the Dollar Tree and pasta carbs too. My appetite is just absolutely out of control. My diet pill doesn't seem to help either. I drink loads of water, but it seems as though im retaining like a "Giant Jet Puffed Marshmallow." I'm feeling really frustrated with the abdominal bloating. I've increased my water pills to deal with the ab bloating, they seem to be helping a bit. But they don't control my voracious, out of control appetite for sugar, and carbs. I find myself more grouchy and sensitive to everything. I also hate having to force myself to go to the gym when I feel very exhausted, but I have No Choice. I don't want to share this info about my lack of appetite control with my MD or counselor, I just feel too embarassed. I have a very disciplined exterior, but my interior is falling apart currently. At times I find myself on the verge of passing out, or like I'll be walking and then just trip(physically) for no reason, except that my timing seems to freeze for no reason at all.
Am I the worst case of compulsive eating that you ever heard of or what?
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