Hi everybody, my name is Jane and I lost 65 lbs a few years ago. Now, I'm in my mid 40's and not quite as active physically as I was when I dropped 65 lbs in about 1 year. I was soooo happy to be down 2 dress sizes. However, I was feeling quite exhausted from the exercising, fasting,dieting, and a few laxative and water pills here and there.

Now, I have gained(re-gained) 6 years later about 20 lbs. However, I re-gained most of this weight in one season when I stopped working out at the same caliber that I had been driving my body to do. Therefore, in the mid of winter season, I completely stopped lap swimming, and went from 7 x a week gym workout, to about 4x a week for 1 hour each time, at the gym. But, I haven't swam now for a whole entire year due to the summer season being extremely busy for me. I had to take care of someone, and I also felt so hot that I was afraid to do laps at the outdoor pool, for fear of a 3rd degree sunburn. This avoidance in my usual exercise routine however really affected my body's metabolism, and I am terrified of re-gaining any more body weight.

So, I now walk prior to gym workout. Then I gym for about 1 hr per day 5x a week. I also reduced the size of my meals, and only do a protein drink for lunch. It's just more Convenient for me, at work.....Then, my dinner consists of mostly veggies, and 1 protein. I occasionally do use water pills, and diet pills. I feel extra bloated after eating a regular meal, and that's when I go to the gym, after my biggest meal of the day---dinner.

If I skip a day at the gym after a meal, I feel really bloated, and uncomfortable. Then usually the next day I'll put the appetite brake on and  increase my caffeine and diuretic intake. I also drink ice water non-stop, all day long. otherwise I feel very over heated and my mouth is dry. I feel exhausted, but I'm not giving in to ,"Middle Age Spread."  I am terrified of re-gaining, and this is what keeps me motivated to keep exercising and watching  what , and of how much I eat.

I would never resort to vomiting after eating since I spent way too much time and money in the dental office. Also, I had my fair share of painful novacain shots in the past when I wasn't as careful about my dental health. So, I'm terrified of having to have any further dental work, or in gaining weight.

I feel stuck in a cycle of panik and anxiety over my weight, food, and self control over my body. I feel tempted at times to just completely starve or go throw up everything that I just ate too much of, but then I deal with the feeling of ,"Fullness." And then just go work out at the gym and reduce my food intake , like I mentioned earlier.......But I don't feel very satisfied. I'm most the time quite exhausted, and very isolated too.

Last week I felt a bit dizzy after dinner taking my usual walk. Then I realized I'm feeling very anxious after eating my dinner. I'm tired of feeling anxious after eating, and I refuse to take any meds that would make me gain weight, or become Apathetic over my control that I have over my body. Oh well, I'm quite sure what to think. Is this typical of all middle aged women with former , full-fledged eating disorders from their 20's.  I'm not sure what normal body image, or real self control over one's weight should really be like.

I do enjoy shopping, and trying on the latest career fashions. I am extra sensitive of my weight and dress size as a result of this. However, isn't it nice to worry a bit over how one feels about how they present themselves to others at work. I like to at least look like I am , "In total control" of my body , and i find myself becoming exhausted over this issue. Any suggestions??????